New Here Please Help

[PtsdInNewEngland]

I have ptsd I'm a 32 year old female. I feel awful lately.
Here are some things I think occurred in my life that made me have ptsd

Sister terminated life in 92 when I was 8 with drain

Dad shortly after made an attempt where we sure that was it thankfully he pushed through
No support from mom or dad as far as guidance, advice, love although I was safe and they were good providers
After acting out in my teens I spent a year in jail for check fraud where I was molested by a correctional officer on several occasions
Upon release getting with a guy at she 20 who hit me, punched me, put knives to my throat, ruined apts, vandalised and ruined my property, often making me have to start from the bottom with buying all new things.
Breaking into my apt. By the fire escape after a restraining order was in place and i dumped him only to come home to another destroyed apt he destroyed everything
Giving me herpes
Cheating and other woman teaming up against me and jumping me in public places.
Took 7 years to leave where bf # 2 came in looking like the sweetest man on earth only to find out after 2 years of invested time he had multiple other women who all that they were gf as well
The sadness and betrayal I realize I was with a full blown narcissist who was mirroring me the whole time. I stayed unbeknownst to what a narc was and his promises to stay faithful.
Somewhere in the relationships I started stripping and escorting. I loved the compliments/money and actual kindness from most of the men that saw me from what I had experienced in relationships.
I left npd man and decided I need to start my life over at 31
I was sexually assaulted by a stranger last Nov.
Since then my mind won't pass go I have shut down
Disassoative symptoms include
Seroquel abuse
Benadryl abuse
Anything that can put me to bed so I don't have to face outside or thoughts
I can sleep for days, have no hobbies except seeing my therapist, and psychiatrist
Extreme rage pointed at someone else that soon after goes inward n I cry, choke, sob, shake
Saying multiple times a mth I'm going inpatient but I never do because I'm always locked in my house
Suicidal threats
Not caring about appearance
Hopelessness
Starting a job quitting within a few days this has been going on at least ten years the job carp
Google addiction seeing if anyone else on the web feels what I feel and feeling better I'm not alone.
The assault really brought it to a head and it's been really bad this year.

Before anyone tells me to see a therapist I have one who is especially helpful and I'm trying but it's so hard.
I have a psychiatrist as well and I'm medicated.
I'm trying to date some one it's an epic fail. I don't understand why anyone would want anything to do with me and I don't believe love is real or exists.
Everything that someone else didn't mess up for me I self sabotaged it after all this crap.
Some days I seem fine, outgoing glimpses of happy me shine through. Most days however I lock in and garbage disposal meds to sleep away the pain.

Sorry for triggering. How do you get this beast under control?

 

[Powder]

First, let the Dr. know you are taking other OTC drugs. Are you on Rx meds? If so, Doc needs accurate facts.

You sound like you would avoid inpatient due to being incarcerated as a teen and molested. How upsetting would it be to be not allowed to leave a place. That would be triggering. So, probably best to just see a therapist more frequently or into a treatment place totally unlike the past and very safe feeling.

Make your sense of safety a #1 priority. You have to establish safety and stability. That has to be maintained always.

Then, take meds the same every day, no increase with symptoms until checking with Dr. Learn coping skills to manage symptoms that are good for you and make you feel better the next day, no come down.

Last, be more open and honest. Get into a recovery program, like NA, and stick with it if it's helping you and your sponsor has your back.

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find your balance in a new way.

 

[PtsdInNewEngland]

Ty I try not to look at myself as an addict. I don't do hardcore street drugs. I have always told my doctors about my seroquel abuse I call it serokilling myself one pcns thought that was a funny saying. She laughed and was like sweetheart take it at night not during the day. For ten years I have been honest about seroquel abuse and addiction because it is mom narcotic I get laughed at and sent away with more seroquel refills. I could definitely participate in NA or AA as I'm addicted to escape and sleep.
Alcohol, opiates, cocaine are things I dabbled with in my past and only made things much exacerbated so those things definitely I did not escape in. The ambient, seroquel, lunesta, benadryl type sleep aids are what I look to.
I need to focus on basic stuff now showering, eating, self soothing things. Th for responding.
Big hugs

 

[Freedomfighter]

I have ptsd I'm a 32 year old female. I feel awful lately.
Here are some things I think occurr...

When we are struggling with past abusers we need to find ourself first. Once you leave those abusers in the dust and concentrate on yourself you learn a lot.

 

[Kolten]

One day. One hour. One minute at a time of u need to. Start small and work your way into a routine of simple things. Showering. Dressing. Brushing ur teeth. Take time for I and I wouldn't personally worry ab others as far as romantic relationships right now. Do u have a mentor at all?

 

[Gadgie]

Try my favourite one that helped me a great deal, to get through my last "bad patch" and its.............

"Get one positive thing out of each day"