Sufferer New Here

[DiamondBug]

hiya everyone,

I am dying inside. I struggle every single day. I go to psychodynamic therapy every week. I have a boyfriend of 4 years, who doesn't know about how I'm on the edge everyday of my life, he just tells me I'm ruining his day, I had something really horrendous happen to me 10 years ago and I never recovered, I was 11 years old, I was brutal tortured amongst other things, almost daily I relive the feeling of (I think I just probably *trigger warning* here) my stomach being slashed or being bitten. I suck my thumb and have a teddy named geoff and that helps a lot, but my boyfriend makes me feel immature, childish and to be honest humiliated about it. It's my only freedom, the only time when my heart isn't racing and I'm not drenched in sweat. I just don't know how this forum is going to work for me, I find it hard to talk about what happened to me full stop because I've only just now actually started talking about it. I think I would find it easier maybe telling my story through text, it's just horrendously graphic and obviously I don't want to upset anyone on here with the details.

I hope someone hears me and more importantly wants to talk to me x

 

[Codladh]

Hi Diamondbug. I'm new here too but everyone seems very supportive and kind. Just text away and I'm sure people will listen . And if you need to hug Geoff, then hug away!....it's much better than some of the things I have done to survive a day. Sounds like a nice,self caring way to support yourself.....I'm 34 and it doesn't sound childish to me.

 

[Killashandra]

@DiamondBug

Yes we are here and yes we hear, I'm a so sorry to hear of your trauma.. if you feel text would be easier we have a journal section here that you can use to get it out.. there's public and private diaries..

I understand how hard it is to get through each day, and I have a cuddle bear too.. miss piggy . for those bad days where I can't function properly.

With the issues you have with your boyfriend, does he know? and is he willing to help if he does? it's incredibly important to have a caring and supporting partner and friends.. and have you got a therapist? a Therapist will be a valuable tool to learn coping strategies.
Many of us here have different experiences with thier recovery it's a personal journey but we gather here to help, support and care for each other, when so many of us don't have that support network around us.

I hope we can make some difference , I'd write more but I have an appt I have to get to..

All the best

Killa ☺

 

[shimmerz]

obviously I don't want to upset anyone on here with the details.

I think most of us are pretty resilient. I wouldn't worry so much about that. Have you thought of maybe starting a diary here? It may help you to offload, rearrange, get clear in your head what has happened to you. I have to warn you though, it can be pretty draining, so maybe take it slowly.

he just tells me I'm ruining his day,

I am sorry that your boyfriend isn't more supportive. Many people just don't have the capacity to understand. Are you seeing a therapist?

I suck my thumb and have a teddy named geoff and that helps a lot,

Then keep doing it. I had a teddy bear for ages. I retired him about a year and a half ago. I also have a blanket. For security.....

Nothing you are speaking about, based on the information you have given about your past is unusual. It isn't crazy, nor immature, nor anything to be humiliated about.

Take care hon.

 

[Mytime]

Please feel free to talk about anything you need to let out. If anyone feels triggers, they will stop reading your post. We are here to support you with no judgement.

Now I would like to say, welcome to the forum we are glad you found us.
I'm sorry you are having a hard time
but you are not alone :) sending you support and :hugs if you except .

 

[Matthew Morris]

Think you are braver than you think and to say you can talk about things in the knowledge you won't be judged only cared about.

 

[ladee]

Glad you are here. Many people here in different palaces in our recovery. No two people are the same.
We work at our own pace and respect the hard work we all have to do.
People have shared there is a diary section here if you would be more comfotable writing there.
In regard to triggers, we each are resposible for our triggers. And like was shared , we can stop reading. But thank You for your concern for us..
Hope you have a Therapist as that does make our journey safer.
Again, glad you are here.

 

[DiamondBug]

@DiamondBug

Yes we are here and yes we hear, I'm a so sorry to hear of your t...

Hi killa,
Thank you for being so supportive,
With my boyfriend I told him I was raped when we first got together because I was too scared to get close to him, but it was only a few months ago I got really angry about a news story about a gang rape and murder and he was like you don't know what that's like so stop getting so worked up, and I just thought it now or never and told him with tears that I did know what that was like. They are such dirty words to me I couldn't say it bluntly directly to the him like I can type it, it was the only way to say it. He got really angry, like why didn't you tell me, you're lying, why are you making this worse, etc. all within the same arguement. Neither me nor him have brought it up since. I don't think I want to he hurt my feelings about it. I darent bring it up.
I'm going to my therapist tomorrow so we'll see how that works out.
Thanks again :)

 

[DiamondBug]

I think most of us are pretty resilient. I wouldn't worry so much about that. Have you thought of ma...

Thanks for the reassurance, it means a lot, i just get so embarrassed about this sort of stuff I don't know why,
Take care of yourself

 

[DiamondBug]

Hi Diamondbug. I'm new here too but everyone seems very supportive and kind. Just text away and I'm sur...

Thank you for your nice words, I'm sort of overwhelmed that people actually responded, it was a stressful day, take care of yourself

 

[DiamondBug]

Please feel free to talk about anything you need to let out. If anyone feels triggers, they will stop re...

Thank you, I just didn't want to barge in with my rant and upset people :laugh: I'm glad I've found somewhere I can put my feelings down for once :) take care of yourself :hug::)

 

[Ka-9]

I don't sleep with a teddy bear, but I do with a cockapoo..same thing...... So you're in good company here.