SunflowerKitten
New Here
My biological parents died in Feb 1985 and April 1985.
My biological mother killed herself a month before I turned 2, and my sister was 6.
We were in foster care for about 3 yrs and then adopted in March 1988.
I was assaulted in 2000 at age 17, and that sent me on an emotional roller coaster.
The first man i met after that happened i felt was my savior and i thought i was in love.
I got married to that man at the age of 18, he was 24 at the time, and had my three children at 19, 21, and 23 yrs old.
I became a caregiver to my husband at the time at age 22.
After years of abuse (mental and emotional and verbal), lack of appreciation for all i was doing for the kids and him at the time, no respect, not being treated like a wife, no love, no affection or intimacy, no praise, being talked down to, caring for him on his death bed, and after surgery, countless moves, multiple surgeries, hospital stays, raising three children on my own and caring for a grown adult child at some moments, it all just became too much.
The kids saw the sickness around them all the time, the home environment was negative for them because I was working and only had time with the kids on week nights or weekends. Their dad was bitter and angry and wanted everyone around him to be miserable, he didn't want to be sociable, or a family man, barely wanted to play the father role, and i was always doing homework and going to the school as a PTO parents, all the parent teacher conferences, ect.
At the age of 28 (November 2011) i told him i couldn't stay married anymore and wanted a divorce. He moved out and the separation was official and i proceeded with the divorce.
The divorce was final in February 2012, and i turned 29 in March 2012.
All of the years i had to stay strong and hold everything together I was never able to fall apart.
Now that it seems life is totally changed and totally different the toll has come down like a ton of bricks.
I had to have a hysterectomy in June 2006 at the age of 25, after i started hemorrhaging from stress and it caused my uterus to prolapse.
March 2008 i started having issues with breast cancer/precancerous cells and in Jan 2010 and I had a lumpectomy.
I'm now on Xanax for anxiety and stress and the PTSD from the abuse has damaged my mind and how i feel or look at myself.
I don't want a healthy relationship i want to have in the future to be sabotaged by my way of thinking, or compare the nice guy to my ex husband and who he was and how he treated me.
I am reading books on how to try and heal or reverse the destructive patterns anyone who is abused gets themselves into, and i need to find a counselor, but i have three children i am raising on my own, and get no child support from my disabled ex husband, and i have to pay him spousal support because of the laws in Texas for being married over 10 yrs and supporting one spouse for over half the marriage.
There is no time for me to take a day off to sleep or just have alone time, down time for me, there is no time to try and heal or learn what to do to start on the road of healing.
I work in a long term contract job 40-44 hrs a week, Mon-Fri. If i don't work I don't get paid, which is not possible to do since I have rent, other bills, and the alimony.
This new life i did choose because i wanted the divorce, but i didn't know my body and mind would totally fall apart when i was trying to help the kids lives and my life run smoother.
I have the kids in therapy, and they are doing well.
I'm their custodial parent, even though they visit with their dad every other weekend and a month in the summer.
I need to be doing well since I am all they have, I'm the only good health and neurologically healthy parent they have.
I'm not sure if I really have a question in my post, but I just am not sure where to start to make myself emotionally functioning in a positive light after so much negative, so much sorrow, lose, and mourning.
Thanks for reading.
My biological mother killed herself a month before I turned 2, and my sister was 6.
We were in foster care for about 3 yrs and then adopted in March 1988.
I was assaulted in 2000 at age 17, and that sent me on an emotional roller coaster.
The first man i met after that happened i felt was my savior and i thought i was in love.
I got married to that man at the age of 18, he was 24 at the time, and had my three children at 19, 21, and 23 yrs old.
I became a caregiver to my husband at the time at age 22.
After years of abuse (mental and emotional and verbal), lack of appreciation for all i was doing for the kids and him at the time, no respect, not being treated like a wife, no love, no affection or intimacy, no praise, being talked down to, caring for him on his death bed, and after surgery, countless moves, multiple surgeries, hospital stays, raising three children on my own and caring for a grown adult child at some moments, it all just became too much.
The kids saw the sickness around them all the time, the home environment was negative for them because I was working and only had time with the kids on week nights or weekends. Their dad was bitter and angry and wanted everyone around him to be miserable, he didn't want to be sociable, or a family man, barely wanted to play the father role, and i was always doing homework and going to the school as a PTO parents, all the parent teacher conferences, ect.
At the age of 28 (November 2011) i told him i couldn't stay married anymore and wanted a divorce. He moved out and the separation was official and i proceeded with the divorce.
The divorce was final in February 2012, and i turned 29 in March 2012.
All of the years i had to stay strong and hold everything together I was never able to fall apart.
Now that it seems life is totally changed and totally different the toll has come down like a ton of bricks.
I had to have a hysterectomy in June 2006 at the age of 25, after i started hemorrhaging from stress and it caused my uterus to prolapse.
March 2008 i started having issues with breast cancer/precancerous cells and in Jan 2010 and I had a lumpectomy.
I'm now on Xanax for anxiety and stress and the PTSD from the abuse has damaged my mind and how i feel or look at myself.
I don't want a healthy relationship i want to have in the future to be sabotaged by my way of thinking, or compare the nice guy to my ex husband and who he was and how he treated me.
I am reading books on how to try and heal or reverse the destructive patterns anyone who is abused gets themselves into, and i need to find a counselor, but i have three children i am raising on my own, and get no child support from my disabled ex husband, and i have to pay him spousal support because of the laws in Texas for being married over 10 yrs and supporting one spouse for over half the marriage.
There is no time for me to take a day off to sleep or just have alone time, down time for me, there is no time to try and heal or learn what to do to start on the road of healing.
I work in a long term contract job 40-44 hrs a week, Mon-Fri. If i don't work I don't get paid, which is not possible to do since I have rent, other bills, and the alimony.
This new life i did choose because i wanted the divorce, but i didn't know my body and mind would totally fall apart when i was trying to help the kids lives and my life run smoother.
I have the kids in therapy, and they are doing well.
I'm their custodial parent, even though they visit with their dad every other weekend and a month in the summer.
I need to be doing well since I am all they have, I'm the only good health and neurologically healthy parent they have.
I'm not sure if I really have a question in my post, but I just am not sure where to start to make myself emotionally functioning in a positive light after so much negative, so much sorrow, lose, and mourning.
Thanks for reading.
