New Lover

[Stitchin]

I was abused as a child - until I was able to make my escape at 18. I was very self destructive, worked as a prostitute, drank and drugged, but finally stabilized a bit at about 23. At 25 I married an abusive older man, (30yrs older) then after divorce I isolated to the extreme.. no commitments to anyone, alone 99% of the time. Completely celibate for eight years.

Recently a beautiful and brilliant man began courting me. He is twenty years younger than I am. We live in a very small town, his hometown, where everyone knows everything - lots of judgmental people and such.

He is a very private person, and wants to keep our relationship under wraps. Which is fine with me, rationally. I mean I know first hand the ways people judged me when I was the younger partner. I don't want him to suffer those things - he says he's ok with it when I talked to him all bout that.

Emotionally I think it's affecting me in bad bad ways. The sex is fantastic, I have shared my history, he is supportive and loving ... and this weekend I fell into a terrible hole, filled with absolute self loathing.

It was very hard to explain to him that I cannot identify the problem, that my mind and body react to missing memories, and I felt so bad that I have allowed this beautiful young man to develop feelings for such a damaged person, because my CPTSD will hurt him, and I feel like a bomb laying in his strong and beautiful arms, and any second I will explode and kill him.

I want a life with this man, but right now we have no refuge, his home has other people in it, and mine is on a busy street, so when he parks at my place people know he's there. Both of us want more but circumstances are keeping us quiet.

He began courting me in November last year, and we've been sexually active for two months.

How can I know if this is a private relationship or some kind of secret he's keeping? My brain will not stop wondering what his motives really are, even though I see how we are beneficial to each other. My heart aches constantly over imagined future abandonment and heartbreak when he decides he wants someone younger, who can have his kids, and isn't a complete basket case.

I just don't trust my own judgement. I am fighting so hard to relax and enjoy this experience with this man. Every day I tell myself, enjoy it for today, let tomorrow take care of itself.

I know I need a therapist.

My abuser was my father, who was a pastor in a Christian church. I have a strong aversion to religion, obviously.. this small town doesn't even have a psychiatrist, and the therapists I've looked at all are religious. I drive an hr and a half to see a psychiatrist, but still can't find a therapist to help me figure out what's really dangerous and what's imagined.

Now that I'm not completely isolated, all kinds of darkness is leaking out of me, and staining everything and everyone around me. It's been a long time since I felt such intense pain. I miss the numbness of being alone, but this love is so beautiful, maybe not even real, but so amazing to have another human willing to actually touch me, hug me, love me, and express desire for me to be happy.

But we have no life together outside of this tiny bit of heaven. How do I know when it's time to tell him the secrecy has to end? I don't want to rush into things. I'm a gypsy and ready to relocate to have a life with him, but he's unable to relocate until he finishes his degree.
I'm terrified. I'm in love, I think, but so afraid. I think I might have made a terrible mistake ending my total isolation...or is it normal to feel so broken when in a new relationship?

I don't even know what my question here is. But I'm glad I found this forum to talk to people that understand.

Thanks for reading.

 

[girlA]

My background is the same as yours..abused by father years of isolation as it is a safe place noone to hurt me but me..I too have taken a chance to find someone..While we re together or chatting I'm so happy..bit then I have days and days with no contact and my mind runs amok! So many worries and doubts about whats really happening... When we talk I enjoy it but not sure I can cope with..The what ifs and waiting to find..It wasn't real.. Your right though enjoy all the positive the relationship gives and try to quieten the mind..

 

[Stitchin]

Thank you girlA, it's good to know I'm not alone

 

[Bloomy]

I dont really have so much smart things to say to you. Your life story made me cry. I can relate to so many things.
I just have man questions. Like - no one knows about you two exepet his car parked outside? What about his family? Does he talk with you about a future? Does he reassusre you that he wants this future with you? How are you two togheter? Can you talk about everything? Share? Do you feel like he understands? Did he say hell relocate after education? And did he talk and dream with you about where?

I wish you all the best - and I sincerely hope this to end well for you. I know myself to much about how it is to be lonely and finally feel some one loves you ( in my case its just imaginary)

 

[Ice_Fire]

Wow! This has so many parallels with my life at the moment. I was abused as a child, in all ways and I'm now 22 years old at uni doing the final year of my degree. I'm in a relationship with a woman who is much older than me. My family would not approve of the age difference and so, for the moment the relationship is under wraps. I'm the PTSD sufferer in the relationship and I'm the younger partner so the situation is not the same as yours. Her family knows about me, I've met them etc, but my family don't know, and only a handful of my friends know. As the younger partner, I can understand why he wants to keep things quiet for now, especially in a small town. There's a lot of judgement, society seems to think that they have the right to stick their noses in and put an age/gender/whatever else restriction on what makes a valid relationship or not. It's difficult, I can understand him being scared of family and friends saying hurtful things about both of you and he'd rather not have the conflict. It is the fear of the strain on my other friendships etc that stops me being totally open about my relationship. He's probably thinking of all the things people would say to him that would make him feel he has to defend his relationship. "she's old enough to be your mother" (please don't take offence, it's something I've been told about my partner), "you're going to regret it", "she's using you" etc etc. He would defend you and have to fall out with his friends and family, which is not something he wants to do. However, I'm acutely aware that this is not something that can be kept up for long.

My partner worries about the same things you do, such as she thinks I'll get fed up, want someone younger, want children etc. If your man is anything like me then that's not on his mind at all. All he's thinking about is how to navigate the negative reactions you will both face by people who speak before they think and feel like they have a right to voice their "concerns" about your relationship. My partner doesn't see me as damaged, so I don't think he'll be seeing you as damaged either.

Sorry, I don't seem to have actually answered your worries, but maybe sharing my situation and my point of view as the younger half of the relationship has helped a bit?

 

[Deleted member 37474]

When my husband first started working in his young twenties, he had a relationship with a much older woman. He liked her. They had fun, lots of sex. To a young man... sex is just that but cool and amazing (especially when they have full access). It didn't last. For women, sex (according to my therapist) is a direct entry into our spirit. This is how we feel loved in a normal non abusive way. (For a man... his spirit is in his stomach). They feel loved when we feed them. I don't even know where I am going with this. Maybe that he may view this relationship and its benefits differently than you do. But... that is not saying that it won't work.

 

[Stitchin]

we do discuss the future. His family does not know about me. No one does. He tells me to hold on, we will eventually be together. I do feel that the sex is very motivating for him. And I have given him all access.

He says his family has disapproved of every relationship he's ever had, and their opinion is not an issue - but why then do they still not know?
I guess it's just time for me to tell him if he's really serious it's time to go public?
I'm such a mess. And quite afraid that asking to go public will put an end it.
But if that's what happens then at least I'll know it isn't real...and my fears are not baseless.
Sigh.

He himself had an abusive sexual experience from age 13-14, at the hands of a friends aunt. But he seems ok with it. Maybe I'm over analyzing here but my marriage was based on a search for a loving fatherly relationship, if he is looking for support and love from an older woman, I want to be that for him. I want to make him stronger, happier, but I fear I'm giving up my control...I'm historically a people pleaser, to the extent that toward the end of my marriage I had a total psychotic break, ended up hospitalized and got my diagnosis. Geez I don't know where I'm going here.
I'm just trying to figure out if there are red flags for real or if I'm just having catastrophic thinking.

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm. A younger man who wants to keep the relationship under wraps is a yellow or red flag for me.

"is it normal to feel so broken when in a new relationship?" It is when it's clandestine, re-evaluate.

 

[Stitchin]

Thank you albatross. I shall reevaluate.

 

[The Albatross]

One of our friends has had a very open (on his end and with us & the rest of his friends) and long standing relationship with a woman (whom we'd try to meet to socialize with but she'd cancel every time for the last 30 years.) ... to the degree that he (the significantly younger... like 28 years) wanted to marry her and pursued her til he gave up. They clearly loved each other but socially she was incapable of risking or trusting or even trying... and even though he stayed with her, on her terms... it was really sad for them both because they had chosen very limited lives. Eventually (at around his early to mid 50's) he put her on the back burner and went back to school and began a second career. He did love her and was not interested in pursing another woman... it was just that he could not fulfill his needs on her terms for their relationship either.

Now she is in her mid-70's and isolated though he and her children are all ready and willing to assist her... but she can't or won't come off and be honest about her relationship with our friend Ken.

Also personally, my first husband did that to me - married me, I thought with his family's blessing but he did that clandestinely and I didn't find out til I had been married for a year and a half. Ouch... and though there were other issues... that was a big wound.

 

[Stitchin]

I'm feeling completely devastated and I haven't even said anything to him yet.

 

[The Albatross]

Because of why? You're topic... "I'm just trying to figure out if there are red flags for real or if I'm just having catastrophic thinking." It doesn't mean you can't be in love or enjoy what you have... but you weren't askin' for no reason... what does your gut say?