New Lover

[Stitchin]

My gut says this is a problem. I have to find the courage to tell him I can't be a secret, and I need to do it soon. My mental state is deteriorating fast, and if this actually ends badly I feel I will need to seek in house treatment asap.

 

[The Albatross]

If that's what your gut says, you'd be better served focusing on a discussion rather than figuring out what you're gonna do if it goes unfavorably. Give yourself the benefit of a doubt, you opened up this topic now rather than later. I didn't realize you were a new member by the way. First topic?

 

[Casey_03]

I'd have to agree with @The Albatross here about red flags. If he's in his early twenties, he's right around that age when most people don't really know what they want and are kind of experimenting. (There are exceptions, of course, but I think it's quite rare to find someone that young who knows exactly what he wants). And to me, his desire to keep things secret speaks to him realizing deep down that he may not be in it for the long haul. I don't necessarily think he's using you or doing anything malicious, I'd just be careful about getting attached to someone who seems too young to really commit.

At the same time, there are happy endings sometimes and he might have legitimate reasons for wanting to keep things secret. None of us can really know. I guess I would suggest talking to him about your concerns openly. I don't think there's really any reason to end things, and I think you're right to think you should focus on the present rather than worrying about how it will end -- you SHOULD enjoy what you have with him now. But I would avoid thinking too far ahead or worrying about how things will be a year or two from now.

To be fair, if you've known him since November, that's really not a very long time at all. You may very well become disillusioned with him in a few months time. I don't think people begin to really show their true colors until a year in.

 

[Stitchin]

Yes, this is my first post, I just found this place today, because I've worked myself into a complete mess, I'm literally sick with stress over this nonsense, and needing some outside perspective.

He is just 22, and I'm acutely aware of everything that's been said here - why can't I trust myself to know that my feelings are legitimate without someone else helping me idk - I feel so darn fragile. I don't know how to communicate what I'm experiencing with him without coming across as desperate, clingy and histrionic. And my fear is manifesting itself physically, I'm in a very heightened state and having extreme trouble backing away from the panic that is gripping me. It seems so silly. I was so rational in the beginning - why am I suddenly freaking out about this? Although I suppose if I'm honest it's not all that sudden - it's an accumulation of little feelings over the past months - how it made me feel when his behavior changed to a more neutral stance in public, ignoring little things has let this fester inside and now I'm a mess! It seems sudden but it's really not.
I mean he's been talking about taking me on a camping trip with his sister and her boyfriend, so maybe he's not planning to keep this secret forever? Why do I feel like this is such a problem now, when just last week I was so confident that keeping this to ourselves was thinking absolute right thing to do?
Is it possible that my current state is completely unrelated to this and I'm just choosing to create a problem with our privacy just so I have something to solve and hopefully feel better? Or maybe I'm creating a problem just so my current state can be clearly justified?

 

[Deadman]

When you love someone it is normal to want them to be proud to be seen with you in public and at family events. No matter the reason for secrecy eventually that unrealized desire will cause problems.

 

[The Albatross]

Second guessing is human nature under all circumstances. I expect a lot of your freak out is that you love him, and that you're questioning it now with respect to your ending your period of isolation.

It is good that you recognize though that it was cumulative over the past months, also that you were fine with it and now you're questioning it more... and that too you say he is planning a camping trip with others... so maybe it has more to do with it being "not a secret" soon rather than actually being a secret?

 

[One step at a time]

It seems so silly. I was so rational in the beginning - why am I suddenly freaking out about this?

Your feelings are not silly at all. When our experiences have proven that even those we trust most can hurt us, it makes sense to be afraid of being vulnerable again.

I don't know how to communicate what I'm experiencing with him without coming across as desperate, clingy and histrionic.

The thing is that you are not desperate, clingy, and histrionic; you are wary for very good reasons.
I don't know how this conversation will look for you.
I communicate very directly in my personal relationships, so for me, it would sound something like, "I am so grateful for our relationship - I think you are beautiful and intelligent and exciting. But because I have been through a lot, being vulnerable is so, so scary. And I feel even more scared by the fact that we are not out and proud about our relationship. I need us to talk about how we choose to represent our relationship to the rest of the world, and for what reasons." For me, if the other person in the relationship is unwilling to talk about this subject openly and honestly, it is a deal-breaker. But you may have another approach, or a different set of boundaries.

Sending support

 

[Stitchin]

Thank you everyone for reading and replying. I really feel much better, the panic is subsiding and now I'm just exhausted.
I think I will try to have a conversation with him about this soon.
Perhaps it is possible that the actual problem is not the secret, but the fact that it soon will not be a secret.
I'm so grateful to have found this pool of collective wisdom and support.
BIG LOVE

 

[The Albatross]

Post an introduction when you can and be well gal.

 

[Stitchin]

So I had a conversation with him last night about this, and carefully worded my statements as @One step at a time suggested. It was a good convo, went calmly. I learned that our relationship will remain as private as possible. Some things he said were a little disturbing, but I took it all in, considered overnight, and have come to the conclusion that I need to take a fairly big step back emotionally. I have not freaked out or fallen apart like I thought when I first wrote this, I feel very collected. Yay me!

 

[LadyZane]

Glad to hear it went well! I think the only way to know if something is or isn't a "red flag" is to put it out in the open, discuss it as honestly as you can, and see what the effect is. Fear has held me back from doing this in the past and I really regretted it. If you know what someone is really thinking--and you do everything you can to keep the relationship open and comfortable for talking honestly about things--then you know whether you're really in a relationship that's moving forward. Without that kind of communication, a person is just an idea, if that makes sense.

 

[Marie Miguel]

Just don't overthink! Enjoy your relationship with your partner and continue your medication.