Relationship New Relationship - Fight Or Flight?

[chicken sammich]

Hello.
Met a marine vet. Instant feels from both of us. Shared two months of great conversations, romance and a few obstacles overcome. I am in love with him. He is an ex marine with ptsd. But he is so much more than that and I have seen the magic that makes him so special. From the time we have been dating, he has blown off dates on me two times...this post makes it the third time. We were to attend a comedy show benefitting a veterans charity. The day of the date he cancelled.
I have been sitting on my hands NOT contacting him since that note from him. I don't know what to say. I'm hurt and upset. However, I love him, and in listening to him share with me, I learned he needs isolation from time to time, and he may need to go away. In the past he's gone as far as leaving the country (before we met) without even telling a soul.
In many regards I respect that. I wish I could just up and gtfo to another place where nobody knows me and just have myself an adventure. But I'm grounded here - job, kid and bills.
So I have the answer from just reading the other posts here from my fellow girlfriends - and ladies I give you all a big hug because it hurts so much when they turn their backs on the very person that adores them the most.

I need encouragement, to stay strong. PTSD is a mean m-fer and I hate that it has made my friend feel that I cannot be a part of his life. But I know I have to keep myself busy and be positive, that he will reach out to me when HE IS READY. Its as if he has deployed, but he is just a few miles away from me. ugh.

Thanks for your support.
K

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Hi,

Your repeating a story that's been told here many many times.

To answer your title question. You may misunderstand the term 'fight or flight'. Instead maybe use 'overwhelmed' or 'unwell'. Maybe he isn't mentally ready for a relationship. That may be something you will need to accept.

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/understanding-ptsd-by-anthony-parsons.13878/#post-174285

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/#post-173960

Best wishes.

 

[chicken sammich]

To answer your title question. You may misunderstand the term 'fight or flight'. Instead maybe use 'overwhelmed' or 'unwell'.

Hi. The fight or flight is MY current dilemma, not his. I am trying to understand him and care about being his friend, but being treated as a doormat isn't something I want to keep experiencing. He just comes and goes, and I am left alone. It sucks.
Thanks.

 

[TIFFk]

Hello @patiomermaid. My boyfriend is a army veteran who also has PTSD. The same thing you are describing is something I have experienced dozens of times. At first I would get sooo hurt when he would cancel plans with me. I often thought He found something better to do or he didn't want to hang out or me or our relationship was falling out. I would sit At home in misery because I had cleared my schedule for whatever it was we had planned . It has gotten easier but if I said it didn't bother me that'd be a lie. When he cancels on me I try to find something to do with that free time to keep myself from overthinking. I try to be understanding that he sometimes need space. I also suggest reading the links that @Ayesha provided. The stress cup explanation helps a lot. You will see that a relationship is a big stressor for someone with PTSD. That was a hard realization for me because It is difficult to think of myself as a stressor , I wanted more than anything to feel like I provide comfort and strength. Best wishes to you and big hugs also :)

 

[chicken sammich]

Hi TiffK,
Thank you very much I needed those words so much. I will read the links, but moreso just some reassurance that I am not alone. I did reach out to him today, just to say I was here if he wanted to talk. He got my message (sometimes technology is not the root of all evil) so at least I know some basics 1. he is alive (has tried suicide several times in the past), 2. he read my message pretty quickly after receiving it 3. hasn't replied with a "f off" or "I don't love you" so yeah those are the three positives I'm CLINGING onto right now. I'd love to talk to you more if you want to be each other's buddy. Thank you so much. Hugs all around!

 

[nursenurse]

You have kids. think from their perspective about someone who is coming and going in your life at whim, with the huge possibility that this will never get better. They will mirror and/or tolerate what they see their parents accept as good behaviour. Cut your losses now, he has ditched two dates too many this early on in the relationship. Your kids did not sign on for instability.

 

[Larksong]

Hi @patiomermaid If it helps at all, you are definitely not alone. And be thankful you knew from the beginning about his PTSD. I've had 2 years of push-pull from my combat ptsd vet without realizing until I happened onto this forum that his long-term ptsd was likely behind his frequent disappearances from my life. What you're describing is very typical. Two months ago, I had no idea about any of this, and people on this forum have given me a lot of really helpful insights and personal support. It's an honest, helpful, positive place to be. Blessings!

 

[Friday]

First question... How does he handle vet-stuff? Just asking cause it was a veterans benefit he bailed on. I know for myself the military is something I get unbalanced over. Sometimes I absolutely rock any kind of military shenanigans, more often, military stuff is what will tip me over the edge. Nov10th is really, really effing hard for me. Spent half the day this year all but crying on the phone with an army friend (who didn't really get why the date was hard, but gets hard dates, so he was an absolute love), and then half the night skipping from bar fight to bar fight. Then spent most of Veterans Day the next day in bed feeling sorry for myself and hating myself for being so selfish, cause Armastice day isn't about me. Traditionally, 10 & 11 are celebrate and mourn. Lately it's just been mourn&mourn. Shrudder.

Secondly... <grin> I'll disagree with @nursenurse on this one, with provisos. My dad was only in our lives -at most- 6 moths a year. So 2 dates is nothin' to me. It worked for my parents. They have a wicked strong, super loving, 40+ year marriage. I (and all of us) are very close to our father. He's an amazing dad. When my dad was home it was SuperFamily, when he was out to sea, it was Adventures-with-Mom. Families, strong-good-happy families are made up of all kinds of schedules. Some are dinners every night... But a whole lot have military deployments, hunting-widows, fishing-widows, campaign months, publication slams, tour schedules, studio sessions, etc. Times of separation that are simply built in, expected, and handled as a matter of course. Whether it's for work, play, or recovery. The provision... Is whether or not PTSD-isolation is something that can be worked into your family as a matter of course, or if it's something that is going to cause stress-pain-heartache.

 

[Sighs]

As the daughter of a combat vet with PTSD and now the partner of a combat vet with PTSD I too would respectively suggest that you take steps to shield your children from the roller coaster. Its not the absences that are so hard for children but the unpredictability and intensity of the sufferer's emotional responses. Walking on eggshells comes naturally to me - you don't want that for your children.

 

[chicken sammich]

Hello and I have some positive news! Since my first post in November, said Marine and I have overcome several hurdles. He has really pushed himself to share with me and not isolate, which has brought our friendship to a closeness I have never known before. He is truly a remarkable person and I will stand by his side proudly to be his biggest fan. We are taking a little trip together this weekend to see some great music. He has shown me more humanity and humility than I've seen from most people. Thank you very much for your support here. As I learn about his PTSD I will continue to read and research about it and be a positive influence in his life.