New Relationship! New To Ptsd! I Could Really Use Some Advice!

[Jessica52655]

H. i. I'm Jessica. I'm new to this site and I am looking for any help I can possibly get! Sorry if this is long but I am just so desperate for advice!

About 6 weeks ago I met a man online. He asked me to call him so I did.. There was something about him right away! I can't really explain it! I felt so comfortable talking to him! We talked on the phone for over an hour and a half that night. I had no idea what was going to transpire from this conversation. He was very open to me about being medically discharged from the military and I had heard of PTSD so I really knew nothing about it. I bluntly asked him so do you have PTSD or something? He talked about being broken and depressed. I think we hit it off so well maybe because I didn't know what I was doing and wasn't worrying or overthinking things like I might be now? I'm not sure. But for some reason he completely opened up to me that night like he doesn't to anyone. It was a wonderful conversation and neither of us wanted to get off the phone. He did tell me that he was getting ready to go to a 60 day PTSD treatment. At that point my thinking was well that will give us time to build a friendship maybe.

He text me first thing the next morning with a good morning and we text all morning he was so sweet and I could tell I was making him happy and he asked me to come and meet him. This is completely out of the normal for me to meet someone that quick however I knew that he was leaving in a week for 60 days and I felt that much of a connection to him that I felt I should meet him before he left. He said he wanted me to meet his mom and I thought that was a little strange but I thought it was sweet. He lives an hour away so I went. I didn't end up meeting his mom because I didn't make it in time she had to work. But his sister was there and his stepdad.

When I met him I knew he was special. It felt like we clicked. By the end of the evening we had talked about a lot. He had grabbed my hand and even kissed me which felt amazing. He was so open and honest and really had me feeling great about meeting him. He was so honest. And I guess I didn't understand the whole PTSD thing at all. So he told me that he hurt girls and he don't mean too and he was telling me this because he wanted me to know that he really liked me and he would never hurt me on purpose. He told me that its hard for him to let people in and trust people and he had a wall up and he looked at me and said I can't get my heart broken again I can't. He was talking like he really wanted to see what would happen and he was positive and smiling and it was good night. He didn't want me to leave when it was time and right after I left he sent me a text telling me how amazing and beautiful I was.

We talked and he told me he was deleting his online profile so I kind of took that as a hint so I asked him if he was trying to say that he wanted to start a relationship and see what happened he said yes. I told him I could do that. I said I really liked him and I really needed to not worry about dating and focus on myself anyways so I would not see other people and get to know him better and see where things go. So the next day he invited me over for supper for the following day. he said he was telling his mom all about me and she really wanted to meet me. Again since I knew he was leaving soon I wanted to to make time for him whenever he wanted. The next day he was really quiet and then he text last minute and said sorry he was having a bad day and wanted to know if the next day would be okay for dinner instead. I went the next day. another wonderful night. we visited with his mom and dad and sister and they made steaks for dinner and it was very nice. He danced with his mom and hes just such an amazing person. He was telling them all about me and was proud of me and kind of showing me off. He wanted me to come back two days later for dinner and wanted me to meet his best friend. he said I should feel special bc he doesn't let anyone in like this. He was talking and then he said see mom what she does to me she makes me all positive he was acting like he couldn't believe he was so positive. he kept repeating himself making sure I would come back on Friday night again. I really could see the sadness in his moms eyes looking at him and she said to me he really does have a heart of gold. I don't know if she was worried about him hurting me or me hurting him or just worried in geral but I felt something there. his family is wonderfuland we really had such a connection I can't explain . we were strangers but it didn't feel like it.

so the next day he was really quiet again. I sent him a bunch of picture quotes because I had so many feeling s going on and he didn't respond. I was kinda of lost. but the following day he text and said sorry he was having a rough couple of daysand asked if I was still coming over . I went over but he seemed different kind of withdrawn. he was okay and trying but just not the same person.

so he left for treatment and i that heard much from hiM....he only lasted 2 weeks and came home for some reason he is very withdrawn but when I do hear from him he always apologizes for not talking to me and told me that he's just really struggling and has a lot on his mind he also sent me the song by lee Brice hard to love listening to those lyrics just makes so much sense to meI sent him a text every few days I have since I met him just letting him know that I'm thinking about him when he does text back he always told me thank you for the text they always make him smile I just feel so lost looking for advice on what to say to him do I continue to text him I have the time in the patient to wait for him at this point in my life I really saw a side of him for whatever reason that week whatever reason that I saw it and I know it's in there and that's what's giving me hope to hold on.....I do think I've made a couple of mistakes by sending him too long of text pouring out my heart usually my text or simple and short but a couple times I let my emotions get ahold of me and sent him what my heart was feeling I hope I haven't overwhelmed him at this point should I just wait for him to get ahold of me.

I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to distract him from getting help I honestly looking back I don't know what he was doing on that dating site but you know that's in the past now it is what it is I care for this man already I see qualities in him that I am looking for a real person to be with and I do I just don't want to give up in the meantime I'm focusing on myself spending time with friends exercising my career my kids I have enough to keep me busy so he's not the focus of my mind all the time I just worry about him already I care a lot about him I'm also trying to learn more about PTSD I just feel this man is worth it

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[Sighs]

How long are you prepared to wait?

Seriously. Do not hold on hoping that things will somehow get better. My vet made it very clear to me in the early days of our relationship that I either accepted him as he was - with his PTSD - or I should leave. I've hung onto relationships too long in the past in the hope that someday somehow things would improve.

 

[Jessica52655]

I really see an amazing person in there and I can accept him just the way he is.... that's the thing! It's actually an amazing feeling for me to see somebody... I just wonder how long it will take for him to trust me......

 

[whserenitynluv]

Latley i have talked to several people being single with some pretty extreme ptsd. I have just started intensive therapy without drugs of any kind. I personally have been testing the waters on purpose to experience new feelings and emotions. Right now, I have all of these new emotions. Ones I've never experienced, and since treatment started, every time I go I seem to have a little bit of a flash ride. There have been a few people I have talked too I was amazed with myself, and believe it or not had an incredible experience once. What a relief it was just to be. With no fear. But the thought of actually going through on a date, no way. I have had several people I've talked to, no connection. Met new people and building that. I am so involved with healing, a brand new lifestyle, and making myself experience things that sometimes it's overwhelming. If you understand it go for it. Personally I would love to have that, the problem, they don't deserve it right now. If I was to date someone right now, it would be a slow process, but I have noticed that the people who know about it I am way more easy to open up. I want that so bad that I am doing anything to heal myself, and I'm a pretty extreme person. For some reason I wanted to give you in sight of the brain of someone on the other side. For him it probably feels incredible to open up. It only takes one little thing and then they question things, and run. That's the pain I don't want to give someone. He probably doesn't either. I noticed when I was talking to someone the panic set in. They were great, although not my type per say , I guess that's why I chose that route. It felt incredible and it helped me,so now the relationships I'm building are a little easier. Rambling here . Not sure if I make sence, but this is from the mind of the affected. Cheers!

 

[Sighs]

er... not sure what you mean by

I just wonder how long it will take for him to trust me......

If by that you mean "when will he feel safe enough that he doesn't withdraw from me anymore" then I think the answer is probably 'never' because its not a trust issue. (Although of course some PTSD sufferers also have trust issues - hell plenty of people without PTSD have trust issues...) My vet needs his space because he is overwhelmed - not because he doesn't trust me.

I'm sorry if my responses sound negative to you - I'm being realistic. Its not as simple as being supportive until he trusts you and then he lets you in and everything is great. In fact the closer you get the more of the 'darkness' you will be exposed to. In the words of Missy Higgins "I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see, so we can both be there and we can both share the dark". If you are prepared to stick it out and support him then he is a lucky man. But you are only human and you have a limit. If you get to it and you need to bail out - that's ok - it won't make you a bad person.

Just one more word of caution - you mentioned you have kids. Try to minimise the impact his "mood swings" have on them. My dad also suffers from combat PTSD. It didn't make for the happiest of childhoods.

Its a hard road and this forum is great support - even if it doesn't always feel like it. :hug: if you accept them.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Sighs, I can't help but feel that you are twisting her words when you completely change what she asks about trust and you turn it into a withdrawing issue.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I think you should be clear on the understanding of PTSD and do some reading on this if you are serious about entering Into this relationship . It's not easy for both party's . I think it's early days for him to trust you with everything and he's obviously trying very hard. It takes a lot of trust from a PTSD sufferer . I think it's nice that he has found you but I would suggest to be there in the first instance as a friend then see how this develops in line with his treatment etc. I often ask my husband to leave me because I can't bear when I'm flash backing and suffering from withdrawal and dissaccoiate that he has to see it and at times our relationship has been very rocky . I've asked my husband to get some knowledge and understanding of PTSD so he is able to support me. I think meeting the family was very quick and am just slightly concerned at how fast it's moving for both of you. I think being there right now for him when he wants to talk is okay but allow him some space too. I'd advise you not to make any promises you can't keep such as you will meet him and then unforsceen circumstances may prevent this, it can set him back unfortunately . I don't want to tell you how to be in this relationship as it appears he's so happy at this moment but there will be times when he's really suffering . Please get some more insight into PTSD for your own knowledge and how to be there for him. I think you've made him really happy and it would be a shame if it came crashing down due to rushing things. I wish you all the best x

 

[Wastinglight]

it would be a shame if it came crashing down due to rushing things

Yep, I'd agree with that, speaking from personal experience. It probably won't hurt either of you to slow it down some. Or a lot.

No-one here will tell you that it's an easy path you've chosen, but do I hope it works out for you. You will find a lot of support on your journey within this site.

 

[nursenurse]

Why did he last only 2 weeks at the treatment? This is the very thing that could help him and prepare him for a life with PTSD and therefore with relationships.nif he is not ready to stay the distance with that, then he is not ready for a relationship period. Is he in other therapy? What is he doing to heal himself since the intensive therapy was a bust? You will never be able to heal him, remember that.

If you look around on this site, you will find many stories similar to yours, the quick development of feelings for each other, the "You are the only one I have told this to" kind of thing. Step back, take a deep breath and slow the heck down. You don't know anything about this guy truly, 6 weeks is not enough especially with PTSD to be saying that you are ready for a committed relationship. If he is not in therapy, what you see is definitely what you will get and possibly worse. It is altruistic and perhaps overly optimistic to say that you can hang on. You do not know that.

Another thing that concerns me is the line"You should feel special because I don't let anyone in" or something like that. Maybe it came out wrong, but to me there is a bit of emotional manipulation there.

Do not involve your children in your love life for a while. They do not need to meet him yet, although methinks it may be too late. And for heaven's sake, no horizontal Tangos either. Until you both are on more solid ground, he in therapy, and you with less stars in your eyes. Good luck.

 

[Jessica52655]

Thanks for all the advice! I am super patient with him and want to go slow!! Since coming home from treatment his texts have been very few and far between.... so I haven't talked to him since last Saturday night when initiated contact to see how I was doing.....I have been sending texts every other day... Should I stop sending texts or let more days go in between? Or just wait til he reaches out to me again?! I guess everytime be isolates I just worry he won't ever contact me again even though I know that is probably not true!

 

[Jessica52655]

Thank you! I have not introduced him to my kids yet.... I actually do have a good head on my shoulders for the most part :-)

 

[whserenitynluv]

Another thing that concerns me is the line"You should feel special because I don't let anyone in" or something like that. Maybe it came out wrong, but to me there is a bit of emotional manipulation there

I have to disagree with that. Being a person with ptsd that was misdiagnosed at a very young age with ADHD instead and put on attention medicine. The drug itself is a wall, and if you are medicated in any way you don't have the ability to bond as close as everyone else. It is only when there are no barriers that you can let go and love. The only love I found in full along the way was adrenaline, because it made me "feel" . Now that the sky opened up it rains. I have felt things I don't even have words for.

Jessica, good luck to you. It would be a great idea to research the ptsd. It would also be a good idea to get to know what kind of trauma he experienced.this will give you an idea of what kind of treatment he "should" be getting, rather than his own idea. My treatment is not just a casual I go in and have a chit chat kind. I have groups, homework, accountability, journaling, three different drs. A schedule. Reading, fear confrontation training. My T told me that it will go away, but through this I can function. He also told me that to make a commitment in this time of my life is not a good idea. No matter how bad I want it. Good luck!