Welcome Jessica-
After reading your post I am going to say that I think it would be very, very wise not to expect a wonderful relationship with what is essentially a complete stranger. Please don't take what I have to say as preachy or telling you what to do. I say what I say because I see myself in you----or how I used to be. Like you, whenever a guy seemed nice right off the bat, I would fling myself off of the proverbial cliff of love and always landed on the rocks below. There was no bed or roses or soft fluffy cloud waiting for me at the bottom.
I am 50 years old now. What I have learned after many years looking for that perfect relationship is that there isn't one. Every relationship is going to have it's ups and downs, naturally. It seems to me you are starting out with someone who is moving very, very fast. A guy moving that fast raises a huge red flag for me because normal, healthy thinking males are notorious for their sidestepping ability to fall in love and open themselves up to hurt. This is FEMALE territory…..what I call "picking wedding invitations before the second date." I share this mainly because "fast track" involvement is how my relationship began with the two worst abusers I have ever met. What ultimately started out as love at first sight evolved into a twenty year nightmare with two different violent sociopaths.
Another thing I learned is that guys generally tell you want you want to hear, and also like to test the waters to see how amenable you are to bad behavior. The fact that this guy says he has hurt girls is a huge, huge red flag. He is telling you the truth and waiting for your reaction. A guy once told me that if a guy tells you that he is not good enough for you or any other negative trait---- you need to listen because he is NOT LYING. When this guy told you that he hurts girls you need to listen because he is priming the pump. He is seeing what he can get away with using baby steps. The more you let him get away with the little things in the beginning, the huge things will be that much harder to break free from in the long run. My baby daddy used to tell me how badly he mistreated his ex before me. He was out and out telling me he was violent towards women, but I thought I was immune for some strange reason? Gee…..what a dumbass I was because he told me up front that he had no problem hitting women. The fact that he told me he even shoved his own mother was another clue that I ignored. Also, if he is postponing dates is another clue. If he was really, really excited about the prospect of seeing you, wild horses could not keep him from seeing you. He is testing your ability to be put off, or if you tolerate being lower on his list of priorities, or other girls. PTSD, BTW? Is no excuse for bad and insensitive behavior. Bad manners is bad manners PERIOD.
As for my experiences with online dating? I met one guy who didn't even have enough cash to pay for my drink. He expected random sex, of course, and didn't feel that he even had to pay for it--- not that I'm a prostitute anyway. It left a nasty taste in my mouth and I avoided all contact with him after that.
The next guy I dated seemed like a good fit. That was until I began to realize I was opening my life up to him, and he was using the excuse of I'm-in-the-middle-of-a-custody-dispute-and-need-to-look-like-I'm-not-dating-anybody-in-order-to-win. It didn't take me long to call BIG FAT BULLSHIT! You either have a wife, or significant other, and I am the side dish that you can't even introduce to your friends. Really? Even IF you are in a custody battle a judge isn't going to take your kid away because you go on dates. Whether he was being honest or not really wasn't the point. The point is he had baggage and was not completely free to be involved with ANYONE.
I got lucky with the third and ONLY because I had already known him since I was ten years old to his twelve. He found me online after being completely MIA for 30 years. THIS is the relationship that was meant. I grew up with him and we had and have seen each other at our absolute worst. We may not have had contact for 30 years, but we KNEW each other in a way that only people who have spent a significant amount of time together can. Even though it was only as kids, it was a relationship based first on friendship, then on romance. That is the ONLY way to go. If you don't actually like somebody, even at their worst, love is nothing but a pipe dream. You can't know you really like someone until you know their biggest flaws, secrets, and all the BS that comes with looking at a person realistically and not through the rose colored glasses of infatuation.
I say all this because, man o' man, I don't want to see a sister go through what I went through. I say this because F*CKING A RIGHT you are special! So special that a guy needs to prove to you that HE'S equally special. That he's not typical….quite extraordinary…..and will fight tooth and nail to IMPRESS you with more than just platitudes and guessing games designed to keep him in control.
After reading your post I am going to say that I think it would be very, very wise not to expect a wonderful relationship with what is essentially a complete stranger. Please don't take what I have to say as preachy or telling you what to do. I say what I say because I see myself in you----or how I used to be. Like you, whenever a guy seemed nice right off the bat, I would fling myself off of the proverbial cliff of love and always landed on the rocks below. There was no bed or roses or soft fluffy cloud waiting for me at the bottom.
I am 50 years old now. What I have learned after many years looking for that perfect relationship is that there isn't one. Every relationship is going to have it's ups and downs, naturally. It seems to me you are starting out with someone who is moving very, very fast. A guy moving that fast raises a huge red flag for me because normal, healthy thinking males are notorious for their sidestepping ability to fall in love and open themselves up to hurt. This is FEMALE territory…..what I call "picking wedding invitations before the second date." I share this mainly because "fast track" involvement is how my relationship began with the two worst abusers I have ever met. What ultimately started out as love at first sight evolved into a twenty year nightmare with two different violent sociopaths.
Another thing I learned is that guys generally tell you want you want to hear, and also like to test the waters to see how amenable you are to bad behavior. The fact that this guy says he has hurt girls is a huge, huge red flag. He is telling you the truth and waiting for your reaction. A guy once told me that if a guy tells you that he is not good enough for you or any other negative trait---- you need to listen because he is NOT LYING. When this guy told you that he hurts girls you need to listen because he is priming the pump. He is seeing what he can get away with using baby steps. The more you let him get away with the little things in the beginning, the huge things will be that much harder to break free from in the long run. My baby daddy used to tell me how badly he mistreated his ex before me. He was out and out telling me he was violent towards women, but I thought I was immune for some strange reason? Gee…..what a dumbass I was because he told me up front that he had no problem hitting women. The fact that he told me he even shoved his own mother was another clue that I ignored. Also, if he is postponing dates is another clue. If he was really, really excited about the prospect of seeing you, wild horses could not keep him from seeing you. He is testing your ability to be put off, or if you tolerate being lower on his list of priorities, or other girls. PTSD, BTW? Is no excuse for bad and insensitive behavior. Bad manners is bad manners PERIOD.
As for my experiences with online dating? I met one guy who didn't even have enough cash to pay for my drink. He expected random sex, of course, and didn't feel that he even had to pay for it--- not that I'm a prostitute anyway. It left a nasty taste in my mouth and I avoided all contact with him after that.
The next guy I dated seemed like a good fit. That was until I began to realize I was opening my life up to him, and he was using the excuse of I'm-in-the-middle-of-a-custody-dispute-and-need-to-look-like-I'm-not-dating-anybody-in-order-to-win. It didn't take me long to call BIG FAT BULLSHIT! You either have a wife, or significant other, and I am the side dish that you can't even introduce to your friends. Really? Even IF you are in a custody battle a judge isn't going to take your kid away because you go on dates. Whether he was being honest or not really wasn't the point. The point is he had baggage and was not completely free to be involved with ANYONE.
I got lucky with the third and ONLY because I had already known him since I was ten years old to his twelve. He found me online after being completely MIA for 30 years. THIS is the relationship that was meant. I grew up with him and we had and have seen each other at our absolute worst. We may not have had contact for 30 years, but we KNEW each other in a way that only people who have spent a significant amount of time together can. Even though it was only as kids, it was a relationship based first on friendship, then on romance. That is the ONLY way to go. If you don't actually like somebody, even at their worst, love is nothing but a pipe dream. You can't know you really like someone until you know their biggest flaws, secrets, and all the BS that comes with looking at a person realistically and not through the rose colored glasses of infatuation.
I say all this because, man o' man, I don't want to see a sister go through what I went through. I say this because F*CKING A RIGHT you are special! So special that a guy needs to prove to you that HE'S equally special. That he's not typical….quite extraordinary…..and will fight tooth and nail to IMPRESS you with more than just platitudes and guessing games designed to keep him in control.
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