New Relationship

[gist]

I have been dealing with PTSD for many years. I grew up having visitation with a dad who tried to kill us by ramming the car into medians once a week at 90+ mph because he refused to take his bipolar medication. My first real relationship lasted 6 years. It was with someone that everyone loved, but he was psychologically, emotionally, financially, and physically abusive. He used my dad against me and triggered flashbacks during every fight and disagreement. I escaped from my ex 11.5 months ago. And I've been raped 3 times. Twice in college (high rape rate where I went at the time, it wasn't unusual, unfortunately), and once this past Spring in a foreign country. I was drugged when out with a group of friends (even though I poured my own drinks, not sure how it happened) and raped.

I've been having trouble dealing with the most recent incident, but am almost in a good place.

Anyway, I met this guy, and he's really sweet and he knows all of this and he's still here. But he very much doesn't understand. One of my roomies accidentally triggered flashbacks of what happened this spring last week and I was in a bad mood for two days. This new guy I'm seeing didn't understand why I was still in a bad mood. When I explained that some things take a while to get over, he logically got it, but he doesn't really understand. I'm concerned that this may become a problem because he has led a fairly boring (in a good way, no trauma) life. We're still only dating, but I don't know if he would be able to handle my PTSD in a relationship. Does anyone have any advice?

Thanks!

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm a supporter, not a sufferer, but maybe I can offer some insight on "the other side."

It takes awhile for us to even begin to understand our loved one's PTSD. We have to learn about PTSD, the type of PTSD (combat, cPTSD, etc.) and then our loved one's specific case of PTSD, with all it's triggers, symptoms, and quirks. We'll never be able to understand exactly what is happening all the time, nor will we be able to ever fully comprehend the trauma. All we can do is put in the effort to learn, be compassionate, and be a supportive and patient partner.

In a new relationship, I would consider his effort and willingness before I'd consider his understanding of PTSD. That's going to take a little time.

 

[gist]

I'm a supporter, not a sufferer, but maybe I can offer some insight on "the other side."

It takes aw...

So, I have to wait and see how it goes? I guess that makes sense.

We haven't been dating very long, just a couple of weeks. I know it's early to even start thinking about this, but I'm afraid that he has no idea what he's getting himself into, and that it's probably too early to ask him to look into it himself. Does that make sense? I just don't want to drag anyone into what I've gone through I guess.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

The truth is that nobody ever has any idea what they're getting into when they start dating someone with PTSD, even if they have a parent a sibling or a child with PTSD. That is, the PTSD relationship dynamic for a partner is very different than that for other types of relationships. So I guess what I'm saying is that unless you want to date someone who suffers just like you do and has the same PTSD symptoms, there will be a learning curve.

 

[illusionist]

Going on my own experience, it totally depends on the two individuals. My ex exclaimed at the end of our relationship that he would never get involved with a woman with Ptsd ever again as he could not handle it. He was the type who would go out of his way to try and fix me, feel totally rejected when I went into a bad phase, and dance around me.......things I really didnt want, in fact I personally detested.

My partner now, of seven years is the total opposite....he understands and accepts the way I am, and above all....has no great quest to fix me or be over protective of me. He walks alongside me, does not carry me.....something that's very important to me.

Two weeks is really early to be thinking ahead.....give it time to learn about each other. He can read up all the literature there is on Ptsd, just like my ex, but not have the personality to handle it.....then again....He could never read anything about Ptsd, like my partner, and form an understanding of you, in time, and be able to handle the life he may have with you.....only time will tell.

 

[Kefira]

and that it's probably too early to ask him to look into it himself.

This probably isn't standard, and may not be entirely kind on my part. But if there is interest, then that person needs to at least know my diagnosis and be interested in learning. Even if I have to teach them. If they are interested in actively pursuing information and asking me about what they find, even better. Being open to it is the bare minimum though. And that is sometimes even for friends. I tend to disclose very early on in a potential relationship. It can be difficult, but sometimes you just have to hit them over the head with it.

It's just my opinion and my way of handling things. I'd way rather have a few awkward conversations in the first weeks and months. The tradeoff is maybe then they'll have half an idea of what's going on when I get triggered (because that's a when, not if) instead of having to try to explain the disorder and my past from scratch in the wake of a major episode when they're freaked out by what they just saw

I also think it's something another person should have a chance to make an informed decision about. Are they really going to totally understand? No. Not until they're living it. But to me it's like any other chronic illness or disability. Everyone has their own levels of what they can do in a relationship. Doesn't make them a bad person. I think it's important to say upfront this is my diagnosis, these are the things I struggle with, here's some of what you can expect and this may not be easy. Sure, some people still aren't going to realize what they're getting into but it at least gives them a chance to for their own reasons determine whether that's the sort of energy they can invest. Being a supporter is hard and it definitely isn't for everyone.