Relationship New Relationships And Ptsd

[Jane]

Ok no idea where to start... guess I should just jump right in.

Last month I started a relationship with a ptsd sufferer (he wasn't a complete stranger we're both part of the same community in this area). His ptsd is a result of actions comitted during military service, combined with a bombing he was caught in, which ended his military career and left him with injurys which considerably shortened his lifespan (this was over 6 years ago).

All was going well, we ended up gettting very close... but recently he was put under a great deal of stress at work (lose your job, lose your house, and entire career kind of stress) which subsequently opened the door for flashbacks, moodswings, depression the whole works.... he ended up doing the distant trying to drive me away with horror stories thing (which would work on most people because he has been involved in some things that make many recoil in horror)... I told the truth and said that I don't care, that was another time and place and that's war in general.

And then I get a message, he can't do this any more, he didn't know how we got this close, we have no future, that I can do much better and have my whole life ahead of me and he will continue to live in the past, he's incapable of love... saying all this with tears in his eyes... Am I right when I think that he somehow feels like he's going to ruin my life if I stay? That this would make him feel guilty? I told him that I'm not going to take this when he's at his lowest, I know being ill makes him act like an ass sometimes and I won't hate him for it and all the rest... so to this he says ok he'll discuss this with me next week.

I'm perfectly capable of deciding where my life goes, if it gets screwed up it's my fault not his, I have experience dealing with manic depression (and the outbursts and anger) I've been to hell and back with friends and I have a fair few anxiety disorders myself, I'm so stubborn there is nothing he can throw at me that I can't take. Should I make all this clear to him? What else should I say? Is it best to be blunt like I think?

Sorry for rambling a bit I've got a lot of thoughts in no particular order.

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Hi Jane, that is great your willing to stick with him.

I have to say that I've tried to drive people away because I didn't want to ruin their lives with my PTSD. I still have those feelings pop up from time to time. I think that is what he is doing. He thinks if makes you leave then he is saving you. But he must really love you to want to save you. So he is capable of loving IMO

Tammy

 

[Deleted member 541]

I think it's great too that you are willing to be there and take whatever he can dish out. That said, I also believe that you should tell him how you feel, then tell him that you will be respectful of his wishes.

He is in need of space right now, and I think that stepping aside and giving him that space will benefit both of you. I hope that eventually he will be able to reach out again. Let him know that you will be there if he needs you.

I wish you the best.

 

[Kathy]

Welcome to the forum Jane, lovely to have you. I am also a carer though of a child rather than a partner. Please feel free to read and post in the Carers section as well, as you will find many there in situations similar to your own.

I agree with what you have already been told. He is pushing you away, and likely feels as he says, that you will have no future with him. He may feel unworthy of you or that he will make your life miserable. I know that is the feeling my daughter with PTSD has; how can she possibly date and marry, who would want her, she would ruin the life of whoever was with her, and so forth. I suspect low self-esteem is a large part of it, perhaps also fear of a serious relationship. I do agree that being straightforward and honest with him is best. No point talking around matters. Be blunt with him, make certain he knows your feelings and then give him the space he requires, as She Cat suggests.

I do hope it all works out well for you. Take care and keep us updated.

 

[Jane]

Thanks guys, you've given me some new found confidence in my intuition. I am a bit useless when it comes to giving people space though, it takes all my self control, one obsessive part of ocd for me is the constant fear that people will just become distant when I'm not there and eventually leave/give up on me (actually this did happen in my first proper relationship) so I end up desperatly trying to stay in touch which just ends up having the opposite of the intended effect, doh! *slaps self on forhead*... just one of my problems there are many others stemming back to ten years of constant bullying, verbal and physical abuse when I was at school, a large dysfunctional family, and my own body image issues (product of an attempted sexual assault). After this, anything he does will just run over me like water, because he doesn't have a malicous bone in his body, we both know it. Maybe this is something I should make clear?

 

[Kathy]

If he is needing space at the moment though Jane, not giving him that space, regardless of your own personal reasons for doing so, will simply push him away further. If giving space is difficult for you, you truly need to work on that aspect of yourself, if you wish to have a good relationship with him in future.

 

[Jane]

I do like a challenge, thankfully my house is a mess and cleaning is a good distraction.. I think I've got it down ok with displacment activity and rational thinking. I had it under good control before I met him, and thankfully that particular anxiety is no longer as strong as it once was. I think it's one thing I'm going to have to explain in the interest of being open and honest... thankfully he shares the same particular brand of humour as my best friend who just mocks me incessentlly whenever I get stupid (brings me right to my senses and everyone can laugh about it).

 

[Nebulustrix]

Pushing a PTSD sufferer when they need space is definitely a no-go. I'm going through some pushing from someone right now myself, and it is making me feel like I want absolutely nothing to do with that person.

Those who have been through severe trauma require time, patience, and boundaries. Sometimes those boundaries may seem unreasonable, but if you really care about the person and want to help them and be there for them, it is important to respect those boundaries.

Something that might help in your situation would be verbally acknowledging your recognition of his concerns and fears, offering to step back and let him work through it, and then providing an opening for him to contact you when he is ready and/or if he would like some support. This approach allows him to maintain a comfortable boundary while he copes with his flashbacks and anxiety and reach out to you when HE is ready, as opposed to having you reach out to him and only push him further away.

If, in stepping back to let him work it out on his own, you become concerned for his emotional and/or physical welfare, it may be a good idea to check up on him, but make it clear that you are doing so out of concern for him and not because you are feeling he is not giving you enough attention. If it seems like you are checking on him for yourself, it will bring the walls up higher and drive him further away. But you also want to be able to keep a good enough tab on him to make certain he isn't letting his PTSD devolve into suicidal depression or keep him from getting back on his feet and pursuing goals for recovery.

 

[lunasea]

Just started a long distance relationship with someone with PTSD. Known him for years. Recent confession of love on both sides and the desire to be together forever. He is in a withdrawal period now. Tells me to listen to "I wont give up" by jason Mraz. Im a worrier, been hurt before etc...Do I have anything to worry about. My heart says no, my anxiety says otherwise. What do I do? I dont want to ruin this.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@lunasea This thread is pretty old. I would suggest starting your own about all your worries.