General New To Ptsd And Looking For Advice

[Niknakjones]

So I met my boyfriend almost a year ago. Wasn't really looking for anyone and then he came out of nowhere. He pursued me and we immediately hit it off. Everything happened so fast between us and he was nothing short of perfect for me. Then came time for him to leave. We talked a little about keeping in touch and seeing what happens but neither of us thought it would work out. (I had never done nor desired to do the long distance thing and he said it never worked out for him before) So he left and we talked, everyday. Feelings grew. And everything was going great(for a long distance relationship) Until he decided to stay. He was supposed to come home in February but was offered the option to stay till May. As February came and went he became more distant. Started talking about not wanting to disappoint me, about the not knowing what to do, about not knowing where he fits in when he gets home(I tried so hard to keep him up on everything that was going on with me everyday, I wanted him to feel like he fit with me), about pressure of expectations and no longer wanted to have any relationship talks(he was always so open about talking about those things) and just very cold and distant. So he has been home for a week now. We have only seen each other once and while I caught glimpses of the guy I love, there is a giant wall around him. He has used phrases like his world is kinda dark right now and he feels a little lost. He asks me how he is supposed to tell me he needs space and time(just tell me) I know he cares and I know he doesn't want to lose me but he is struggling. I have been trying to learn about all of this and how to best show him love and support without letting him push me away or driving him away. Any help and or advice would be awesome. He is someone very special and I know he will thaw out(his words not mine) I just want to be there for him and hopefully get back what we had.

 

[sonicwhite]

I don't know how this pertains to PTSD but I can see how having a bf you where really close with and now distant can be a littl uncomfortable. I would suggest not to worry so much.


He may just be going thru some things and it's hard for him. I know you would like answers but guys seem to draw away really if something traumatic happened to him.


Just be patient with him.

 

[Niknakjones]

Thank you. I don't know if he has ptsd or not. He has always said he doesn't but I wonder. He is career military and done many deployments. It is the drastic change in his behavior, personality and demeanor that cause me to wonder how to handle the situation.

 

[sonicwhite]

Ya then maybe he is just now triggering. Maybe under a lot of stress. But please if he allows you stay by him. I know stress can make my PTSD and OCD flare up. And I isolate myself anyways but I get to the point I'm so anxious that all I can do is lay in bed and await some type of doom.


It's really hard to pinpoint what is going on since it's just the two of you but just try not to over react and try to live in the moment. What can happen in the future is out of your control.


Being in the military sets alarms off for me. I could be wrong.

 

[Niknakjones]

Thanks for the insight... I am gonna do my best to be there for him.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi, and welcome.

I'm not sure if we can really give you much advice as what is advised to do in a non PTSD relationship isn't necessarily advised for a PTSD relationship and vice versa. I hesitate to give advice as you are guessing on PTSD since he's military and distant. Do you notice any PTSD specific symptoms in him? (After reading DSM PTSD criteria.)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Does he have a therapist or a counselor within the VA.

Dont guess on PTSD, or any mental disorder. Id nudge him to talk to someone in the VA or a licenced therapist outside the VA as he does sound depressed. The not wanting to hurt you is familuar but it can depression and not PTSD.

I had a hard time accepting I had PTSD as "that's what vets get, my past cant be as bad as war" but it doesnt work like that. Not all soliders that are deployed and see bad stuff get PTSD and some that saw less do. Its not good to guess at it. Its about how we process trauma. All process differently.

Either way, Im sorry you guys are having a rough time! :hug:

 

[Sweetpea76]

It could just be "normal" post deployment stress... It takes a service member awhile to get used to being home again. It's a whole different world, and it's an adjustment. I'd just give him a little time.

 

[Niknakjones]

Thanks everyone for the comments. I have never dated anyone or been in this situation. When researching I stumbled on to this sight. I found some of the other post similar to what I was experiencing and thought I might gain some insight.

 

[Snaz]

So I met my boyfriend almost a year ago. Wasn't really looking for anyone and then he came out of n...

My ex partner has PTSD and depression. This consists of flashbacks, helplessness, ANGER, (which he took loads out on me!) My advice to you is to read and research as much as you can. Don't let it drain you though! Don't take anything he says personally. Read about all the symptoms, what and how you can do, to be most supportive in the best way. Let him know how you feel, that you care. Same time give him some space and don't pressure him in anyway. He has to do this his own way. Just stay consistent and follow through on what you say. Unfortunately we cannot take it all away and fix it, as much as we want to! It was overwhelming with my BF at the time but after reading and learning overtime it's helped. I am a caregiver. I've stayed very positive which has helped me. Make sure you look after yourself, you matter too. Relationship is the last thing he'd be wanting to talk about right now. He needs to be happy and in a good place himself, right now he's not and is stressed in his own mind. PTSD can be a very dark and horrible place. It's scary. Just try and be understanding, and let him know that you are there for him if he wants to talk, and listen to what he says very carefully. If he gets worse, suggest therapy. Stay strong