Supporter New to ptsd, boyfriend doesn’t feel love, please help.

[Heartbroken89]

Hi everyone.

I am new to this forum and quite new to PTSD. I don’t have much understanding of it, but I’m here today because I’m breaking down and I need help.

My boyfriend and I have had a complicated relationship.. we were together for 7 years and then last year unfortunately broke up. He has General Anxiety Disorder from many years back and through out our relationship he has struggled moderately with this. I have ever since I’ve known him supported him through everything he’s dealt with, happily as he is my best friend and the love of my life.

Last year we decided to part ways. He started seeing a woman for about 9 months. They were in a short relationship with eachother that ended because she broke him down. She manipulated, cheated, lied, was gaslighting, would blame him for everything, make him feel worthless.

Him as a person is very dependent on other people’s opinions of him and really wants to be liked by people. After his relationship with her, he wanted me back as he realized he lost something good.

I took him back because he is truly the love of my life and we have seen so much together. Honestly we have an amazing bond, in so many ways. Through out knowing him I have never once betrayed him, I have loved him unconditionally and been there through the darkest times, when he’s been financially struggling, when he’s broken down, lost his job, and I would do it again in a heartbeat because I love him.

Upon entering the relationship this time around everything felt great. However I’ve noticed changes in him. His short relationship with that evil woman has made his anxiety 100 times worse and now he gets flashbacks, bad dreams, he’s so much more easily startled, he’s on edge, very negative, feels naseous, he can’t for the life of him stop thinking about all the things he went through. I don’t want to go in to too much details but she really manipulated him and broke him down. His therapist suggested he might have PTSD.

He tells me that he struggles to feel love for me, and his feelings are just flat. He keeps telling me I deserve better than him. Sometimes his idea of love really doesn’t help, I believe we have all the best components for LOVE: Trust, connection, are there for eachother through everything, have a great time together, same values, morals, goals in life, support eachother, open with eachother about absolutely everything even the hardest things... but after 7 yrs the butterflies aren’t as apparent. I think that’s natural as with time it develops into a more mature life rather than infatuation. He believes however that butterflies must be there.

I feel like he struggles to feel for me because his past experience because there’s nothing else in the way. He has become so negative and him already having anxiety does not help. He’s so affected by his past experience, he doesn’t FEEL anything about anything.

Is this something you go through when having PTSD? I really need insight. I’ve come here in a state of tears because Im so heartbroken. I love him a lot and I know we can be great together but everything is blocking him.

Need help from a kind soul who can relate. How do I make this better? I wanna understand and help him :(

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you sure he either A) doesn't have another trauma in his past or B) isn't hiding parts of his other relationship from you? I say this as what you've described in that relationship doesn't cause ptsd.

 

[Heartbroken89]

I’ve read on many places including this forum that abusive relationship can indeed give you PTSD...

 

[EveHarrington]

I’ve read on many places including this forum that abusive relationship can indeed give you PTSD...

No, not from what you describe. PTSD must be the result of a specific kind of trauma.

"She manipulated, cheated, lied, was gaslighting, would blame him for everything, make him feel worthless."

This does not/can not in and of itself cause ptsd.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Why do I need to justify myself? There are things that have happened that I do not wish to share on this forum, yes he went through something traumatic!

 

[EveHarrington]

Ok. But "traumatic" is different for everyone. Asking for advice on a ptsd forum when he doesn't have a criterion A trauma (not saying this one way or another) could result in you getting bad advice. A shitty relationship doesn't equal ptsd.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

So if he has been diagnosed by a professional which he has, that’s not enough? Or does he need to be accepted by your standards too? I’m posting here for help, nothing else.

 

[joeylittle]

Hi @BoyfriendqwithPTSD -

His short relationship with that evil woman has made his anxiety 100 times worse and now he gets flashbacks, bad dreams, he’s so much more easily startled, he’s on edge, very negative, feels naseous, he can’t for the life of him stop thinking about all the things he went through. I don’t want to go in to too much details but she really manipulated him and broke him down. His therapist suggested he might have PTSD.

So if he has been diagnosed by a professional which he has, that’s not enough?

Which is it, please? He was diagnosed, or his therapist suggested? Those are not the same thing.

There are things that have happened that I do not wish to share on this forum, yes he went through something traumatic!

You're under no obligation to share anything. But if you insist that a bad relationship gave him PTSD, you'll get pushback from members here. That's not how PTSD comes about. And there are therapists, who are not qwualified to diagnose, who will mistakenly attribute things to PTSD.

He tells me that he struggles to feel love for me, and his feelings are just flat. He keeps telling me I deserve better than him.

Is this something you go through when having PTSD?

It's something you go through with many different mental illnesses. For example, the struggle to feel, and believing you are worthless...that's highly typical of depression. Depression is it's own beast, and is not treated the way PTSD is treated. There are many different types of depression, and some can be brought on by situations (like the problems with the woman you describe).

If you want to understand what is going on with your boyfriend, and he is having trouble talking about it - you can suggest that you and he go to therapy together. Communication isn't actually easy, even in healthy relationships; it takes work. You and he might benefit from the help of a third party.

If you have a more specific or different question, you're welcome to post in one of the other forums. You can link to your OP, here, if you'd like. But opening another thread with essentially the same question is what we consider duplication of content, and those threads will be deleted. If you have questions about this, please open a help-ticket on the site. The contact us link is for administrative issues only.

Thanks.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

He has been diagnosed, I didn’t have clear information but I spoke to him again and this is what he says.

He gets flashbacks, nightmares, avoids situations/places/ anything that relates to her. He panics, breaths heavy in any situation relating to her, even if it’s just thoughts of her. He feels completely disconnected from himself. He doesn’t feel happy/joyful any longer. He states that the thoughts are very intrusive and he cannot get rid of them.

I work within mental health myself and take care of severely depressed patients. I know what depression is. I have studied mental health for 5 years, worked with patients for 6 years. His presentation is different than the patients I’ve had.

I want to be a good girlfriend, I want to understand this. Yes, It does hurt me when he says he doesn’t feel love for me, but I would like to get a better understanding of it rather than taking it personally and being selfish.

 

[EveHarrington]

It would help you to know what his root trauma is, as the bad relationship can't be anything more than a trigger for previous trauma. That way you know what you're dealing with. Healing the trigger doesn't really work. You need to get to the root of the problem.

 

[joeylittle]

Yes, It does hurt me when he says he doesn’t feel love for me, but I would like to get a better understanding of it rather than taking it personally and being selfish.

Does he want to break up the relationship?

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

He doesn’t want to break up

When he was younger he moved away to a place that was quite far from home and because of this he developed severe anxiety. He is also very frightened of flights (due to bad experience) and confined space. Any situation he can’t ‘exit’ from terrifies him. Only experiences I know that have impacted him are the moving away and flight experiences but I’m not educated enough on this subject to know if they can cause PTSD...