deer_in_headlights
Diamond Member
(((((((((((((Ali))))))))))))))))
We love you!!!!!!!!
((((((((((((((Ali)))))))))))))
Deer
We love you!!!!!!!!
((((((((((((((Ali)))))))))))))
Deer
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Relationship New To Relationship And Ptsd
- Post starter Ali
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- Post starter
- #39
I just don't understand....
He called, he was on his way, his car broke down, we talked and texted. He got called into work for today and I have not heard a peep out of him since. I almost feel like it was a test of sorts, like I am his yo-yo and he pulled the string to see if I would come back up. Then I think, well, maybe the car thing he could handle, but getting called into work possibly set him back? I just don't know...
I did send him a e-mail. In it I told him to spend the money he was going to use on a hotel here to fix his car. To still come and I would pay for his room. He needs to get away from xxxx (county where he works). How the few days I went over there to see him he even said it was like a vacation even thought the office was only 5 miles away. How our cheeks and behind our ears hurt from excessive smiling, and how ugly both of our toes are (inside joke~ he laughed till he had tears!!)
He didn't forbid me from going over there (even before this ptsd 'episode'), but felt bad because he has never been here for a overnight stay. He said it isn't fair that I have done all the driving, but I understand he is oncall and has his son on the weekends he isn't oncall. He also wants to see my life, the way I have seen his. Family, work, house etc etc..
I suggested in the e-mail to call in a favor from his friends, to cover his butt the next weekend he has off and get over here. This way he also has time to fix his car. I also tried to bribe him with his favorite meal ( no going out to dinner $$$), and teased him that I would even let him bake dessert. ( he loves to bake!)
So, for now, I am not sure if I am his yo-yo, or being called into work has bad him go back some... back to confused! Yet reassured he still thinks about me and is in love with me.
I did send him a e-mail. In it I told him to spend the money he was going to use on a hotel here to fix his car. To still come and I would pay for his room. He needs to get away from xxxx (county where he works). How the few days I went over there to see him he even said it was like a vacation even thought the office was only 5 miles away. How our cheeks and behind our ears hurt from excessive smiling, and how ugly both of our toes are (inside joke~ he laughed till he had tears!!)
He didn't forbid me from going over there (even before this ptsd 'episode'), but felt bad because he has never been here for a overnight stay. He said it isn't fair that I have done all the driving, but I understand he is oncall and has his son on the weekends he isn't oncall. He also wants to see my life, the way I have seen his. Family, work, house etc etc..
I suggested in the e-mail to call in a favor from his friends, to cover his butt the next weekend he has off and get over here. This way he also has time to fix his car. I also tried to bribe him with his favorite meal ( no going out to dinner $$$), and teased him that I would even let him bake dessert. ( he loves to bake!)
So, for now, I am not sure if I am his yo-yo, or being called into work has bad him go back some... back to confused! Yet reassured he still thinks about me and is in love with me.
Ali, I have just met a guy and it took me a long time to face up to the fact that I wasn't giving myself the time I needed to adjust to him being around, let alone more actively in my life.
He was very gentle and slow in his approach + ironically, I used to get frustrated that he was just lacking in confidence to approach me - apparently he found me intimidating - which was a painful realisation of our incomplete understanding of each other.. but not to complicate my reply to your situation with too much detail about mine, basically I was running away from him for months. He has had to approach very slowly, no sudden surprises and although I know lots about him, it is a constant fight - a real struggle - to accept him in to my life.
I am weary & terrified like a cornered animal.. he knows it
Because of the way he is, he managed to work this out for himself without the sort of input you are getting here on the forum - which is truly a miracle to me and part of that was that he saw through the facade - the brave face I put on to protect myself and the pushing him away that might otherwise have made him think I was not interested when I was just full of fear regardless of the evidence to suggest he would never harm me.
Basically, it is tough for me and, like you, I admire this new guy in my life for sticking with me and not giving up and letting go of me because of my difficulties in letting him get closer to me.
I am like a bird in a tree - have you ever watched how nervous they are? How the watch every little thing going on around them and the slightest movement that could be perceived as a threat they fly off? .that's me!
I was full of ideas at the start that he would try to control me and imprison me then bully me, all perception filters from my trauma experiences (unfortunately, I had more than one) and needing space sent out confusing signals..
I really wanted to be with him, but I was defensive - I really wanted to be with him - but I kept my distance..
meanwhile, I was thinking: I would be a burden to him, he would get fed up with me, I didn't want to make his life difficult or miserable, because of my problems - I love him so I want him and want him, nobody else, but in my mind I am also trapped between wanting to be with him and wanting him to be happy because I am afraid that because I have such a difficult time from day to day with PTSD and sometimes I can experience it like a roller-coaster, he might have a worse time.
I don't want to drag him down even though he is so willing because I am concerned, willing as he is, that he doesn't know what he is letting himself in for & also, I am working through this at my own pace but trusting that he will not push me, expect more of me than I can give and ultimately overwhelm me is one of the biggest hurdles I face..
He was very gentle and slow in his approach + ironically, I used to get frustrated that he was just lacking in confidence to approach me - apparently he found me intimidating - which was a painful realisation of our incomplete understanding of each other.. but not to complicate my reply to your situation with too much detail about mine, basically I was running away from him for months. He has had to approach very slowly, no sudden surprises and although I know lots about him, it is a constant fight - a real struggle - to accept him in to my life.
I am weary & terrified like a cornered animal.. he knows it
Because of the way he is, he managed to work this out for himself without the sort of input you are getting here on the forum - which is truly a miracle to me and part of that was that he saw through the facade - the brave face I put on to protect myself and the pushing him away that might otherwise have made him think I was not interested when I was just full of fear regardless of the evidence to suggest he would never harm me.
Basically, it is tough for me and, like you, I admire this new guy in my life for sticking with me and not giving up and letting go of me because of my difficulties in letting him get closer to me.
I am like a bird in a tree - have you ever watched how nervous they are? How the watch every little thing going on around them and the slightest movement that could be perceived as a threat they fly off? .that's me!
I was full of ideas at the start that he would try to control me and imprison me then bully me, all perception filters from my trauma experiences (unfortunately, I had more than one) and needing space sent out confusing signals..
I really wanted to be with him, but I was defensive - I really wanted to be with him - but I kept my distance..
meanwhile, I was thinking: I would be a burden to him, he would get fed up with me, I didn't want to make his life difficult or miserable, because of my problems - I love him so I want him and want him, nobody else, but in my mind I am also trapped between wanting to be with him and wanting him to be happy because I am afraid that because I have such a difficult time from day to day with PTSD and sometimes I can experience it like a roller-coaster, he might have a worse time.
I don't want to drag him down even though he is so willing because I am concerned, willing as he is, that he doesn't know what he is letting himself in for & also, I am working through this at my own pace but trusting that he will not push me, expect more of me than I can give and ultimately overwhelm me is one of the biggest hurdles I face..
- Post starter
- #41
deer_in_headlights
Diamond Member
Beloved (((((((((((Ali)))))))))))))
Please don't take what happened personally!!! You're not his yo-yo, only your feelings are.
Having a car break down is a huge stress (remember the stress cup?), and being called back to work would cinch it.
The PTSD isn't about you, Hon... it's a 500 lb weight on his back...
He has feelings, too... He wanted to be with you, too!
There is no way he wanted the car to break down, or to be called in unexpectedly... he wanted to be with you!
You must be able to learn how to see things as they truly are.
If you get disappointed because of circumstances, you cannot impute meanings to it that just aren't there.
He's not testing you - this is what life is...
I slipped on the ice, again, yesterday... and further fractured my wrist, hurt other injuries further.
Was this a huge master test of my endurance? Well, it feels like it - but no, I slipped on ice... simple physics...
Did it have a big impact: well, severe pain tends to do that...
Do I place meaning behind it? Only if I wish to make myself suffer more than is necessary!
Please understand that last sentence.
We, ourselves, often (by trying to understand) surmise meanings and, when feeling disappointed or wounded because of thwarted hopes and plans, can tell ourselves things that are not the truth, and that just creates further suffering: to ourselves and others.
I tell you this because I was a master at trying to impute meanings. My trauma Ts have taught me so much about the nature of suffering, and what types of sufferings are avoidable, unnecessary. "Who of you, by worrying, by being anxious, can add a minute to their lives?" "Whatsoever is good, is true, is worthy: think on those things". Basically, in order to be happy, thinking patterns must be explored and changed when unnecessary suffering results. The great news is, that is something constructive you can do, to bring greater happiness into your life, and consequently into the lives of your loved ones!
You might want to begin reading Nobel Peace Prize Nominee: Thich Nhat Hanh's books. They teach a great deal about developing, nurturing and maintaining peace within our hearts. It's a beautiful thing to have alight in our hearts, when we learn how to change our thinking, and allow peace in.
I love you, Ali!
My heart is with you...
Deer
Please don't take what happened personally!!! You're not his yo-yo, only your feelings are.
Having a car break down is a huge stress (remember the stress cup?), and being called back to work would cinch it.
The PTSD isn't about you, Hon... it's a 500 lb weight on his back...
He has feelings, too... He wanted to be with you, too!
There is no way he wanted the car to break down, or to be called in unexpectedly... he wanted to be with you!
You must be able to learn how to see things as they truly are.
If you get disappointed because of circumstances, you cannot impute meanings to it that just aren't there.
He's not testing you - this is what life is...
I slipped on the ice, again, yesterday... and further fractured my wrist, hurt other injuries further.
Was this a huge master test of my endurance? Well, it feels like it - but no, I slipped on ice... simple physics...
Did it have a big impact: well, severe pain tends to do that...
Do I place meaning behind it? Only if I wish to make myself suffer more than is necessary!
Please understand that last sentence.
We, ourselves, often (by trying to understand) surmise meanings and, when feeling disappointed or wounded because of thwarted hopes and plans, can tell ourselves things that are not the truth, and that just creates further suffering: to ourselves and others.
I tell you this because I was a master at trying to impute meanings. My trauma Ts have taught me so much about the nature of suffering, and what types of sufferings are avoidable, unnecessary. "Who of you, by worrying, by being anxious, can add a minute to their lives?" "Whatsoever is good, is true, is worthy: think on those things". Basically, in order to be happy, thinking patterns must be explored and changed when unnecessary suffering results. The great news is, that is something constructive you can do, to bring greater happiness into your life, and consequently into the lives of your loved ones!
You might want to begin reading Nobel Peace Prize Nominee: Thich Nhat Hanh's books. They teach a great deal about developing, nurturing and maintaining peace within our hearts. It's a beautiful thing to have alight in our hearts, when we learn how to change our thinking, and allow peace in.
I love you, Ali!
My heart is with you...
Deer
If there is anything you want to ask me, please do. It is as enlightening for me as it is for you, trust me.
It is helping me too, to consider how I can improve things for him - the only thing that comes to mind is: communication.. the opposite of that, for me anyway, is avoidance + this is not as productive and can be stressful and confusing for the person who does not have PTSD. Don't get me wrong, he does have his own problems.. but now I have a handle on those on top of my own, I have been able to get a little peace from misinterpreting his actions towards me with suffering with PTSD, hypervigilence and panic attacks.
Allowing peace in, as dih's says, it was a huge accomplishment on my journey of self discovery and discovering love with this man - I too used to create additional meaning to events, where it did not exist because I had a rejection complex (not saying this is you, this is just me & my example).
I would also say that he did want to be with you .. the guy I am seeing is very busy with his work & much of the time he is busy unwillingly.. he got held up by an x-client coming out of a building one time and I immediately felt this rush of emotions when he didn't have time to stop and talk with me and that this meant that he was devaluing me..ie he had time for her, but not for me.. the reality was much more simple than that: he had been held up and was now late and I failed to notice at the time that he stopped, and though carelessly gestured something that I interpreted in the former negative way - it was reflex reaction that was not loaded with the significant meaning I gave it.. long + short of it is: I didn't believe him! :-( He is a good man, but I was weary and had been let down so much I expected disappointment, so was waiting for every little nuance that I could perceive and interpret as a negative! Once I learned how to see things as they truly are, I gained a lot more peace, but it was hard to let go of the old habits. I know work as a coach and it is so enjoyable working as an enabler to help others with this and other similar journeys to emotional freedom from this engrained psychological emotional habits. It gets easier with practise, but those old emotional thought patterns do love to creep back in unexpectedly! :o)
I was my own test and it was a relief not to keep seeing him as `testing me'.. in the end, that perception not only made me weary tired but stopped me seeing and appreciating all his positive qualities,.. and subconsciously, it was on the reverse side of our relationship, part of pushing him away when I felt I wasn't coping - PTSD or no PTSD.
I would also say that he did want to be with you .. the guy I am seeing is very busy with his work & much of the time he is busy unwillingly.. he got held up by an x-client coming out of a building one time and I immediately felt this rush of emotions when he didn't have time to stop and talk with me and that this meant that he was devaluing me..ie he had time for her, but not for me.. the reality was much more simple than that: he had been held up and was now late and I failed to notice at the time that he stopped, and though carelessly gestured something that I interpreted in the former negative way - it was reflex reaction that was not loaded with the significant meaning I gave it.. long + short of it is: I didn't believe him! :-( He is a good man, but I was weary and had been let down so much I expected disappointment, so was waiting for every little nuance that I could perceive and interpret as a negative! Once I learned how to see things as they truly are, I gained a lot more peace, but it was hard to let go of the old habits. I know work as a coach and it is so enjoyable working as an enabler to help others with this and other similar journeys to emotional freedom from this engrained psychological emotional habits. It gets easier with practise, but those old emotional thought patterns do love to creep back in unexpectedly! :o)
I was my own test and it was a relief not to keep seeing him as `testing me'.. in the end, that perception not only made me weary tired but stopped me seeing and appreciating all his positive qualities,.. and subconsciously, it was on the reverse side of our relationship, part of pushing him away when I felt I wasn't coping - PTSD or no PTSD.
Ali, wonderful input above.
I have something to add in that for your BF - son, car, money, job, arranging favors etc.... Boy, my head would be spinning and the thinking would turn off - too much all at once - overwhelming. What I used to be able to handle in a certain period of time just isn't possible anymore. Too much arranging and busy-ness and I'm over my head.
Maybe it would be easier for him if you did do the driving (gee, but then he can worry about the fairness:) - some of it never quits!)
take care!!!
I have something to add in that for your BF - son, car, money, job, arranging favors etc.... Boy, my head would be spinning and the thinking would turn off - too much all at once - overwhelming. What I used to be able to handle in a certain period of time just isn't possible anymore. Too much arranging and busy-ness and I'm over my head.
Maybe it would be easier for him if you did do the driving (gee, but then he can worry about the fairness:) - some of it never quits!)
take care!!!
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