Relationship New To Relationship And Ptsd

[Ali]

Seedling,

Ahhh the inside! I received a goodnight 831 (I love you) from him tonight. I did accidentally send him a text today stating that the cleaner "the works" in the white bottle was the best for the hard-water stains... pretty sure he knew that wasn't for him. I have texted him at least 100 times by accident over the past few months... habit LOL!

The guilt of shutting down... I would like to know more about how you feel. Do you feel guilty about shutting out your loved one? Does that guilt add more burden? if so, what could your loved one do or say to let you know its OK? He was very concerned he would hurt me again with this, and it does, but with the encouragement, insight, and support from you, DIH, and this forum, I am finding another strength in my attempts to understanding.

I can't figure out if 250 miles is a blessing or a curse? I lay in my bed alone.. and think if I was there laying next to him I would probably be even more lonely... right? I look at it as a good thing he is sending me at least 1 message a day, without setting this up beforehand.

The falling in love.. that was accidental! He fought like hell, but tripped and fell when he wasn't looking. I never said a word about my feelings, no hints, NOTHING!! I actually thought if he knew my feelings were changing he would run for the hills! He said it first, which literally took my breath away. I still didn't say it back ~ even gave him a out a free pass to take back! he laughed and said no.. I say what I mean and mean what I say.

2 days later I drove over and surprised him.. just to tell him the same thing. Then it was a whirlwind.. brought me home to meet his grandma, then mom and tons of other family and friends. His grandmas response was the most flattering... so YOUR the one! Remember this was a unplanned trip, I just showed up ( I know now bad idea for PTSD.. I didn't know then!!) By the time we left grandmas to go to his moms (3 miles?) she knew we were on the way... hugs and smiles.. he talked about me. :) His family all knew about me already.

My oldest sons school called today. Seems he wasn't feeling well. By the time I got there he had vomited 4 times. He has thrown up everything but his toenails! Then my youngest started around 4 this afternoon. She wasn't acting right all day. I started around 8. My middle son is the only one not affected... as I type the oldest is in the shower which makes me think there may be more than just vomiting. I have only had food poisoning once... and it was hell! I am not feeling real good, but was hoping my nausea and general feeling of ick was from my personal relationship and not rancid possum meat being passed off as Hunan chicken. *usually I have a weird, fun, wry sense of humor. I have tried to cap it in here... but the possible food poisoning from Chinese food was just too easy. back to serious*

Wait for him? He is amazing. I will wait~ but I am sure there will be many more times when I will lose it and need to come here to vent. Probably tomorrow.

~Ali~

P.S. How does one go about just chatting or private messages?

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Oh ((((((((Ali))))))))))))

Wow, you and your young-uns have food poisoning?!! :o

I hope you let your local dept. of health know ASAP, so they can do an inspection!

In the news, our local health inspector checked on a Chinese restaurant, and discovered obvious unsafe rice, and ordered them to dump it, immediately. Because they argued vehemently, and didn't want to dump any tainted food, he waited until they very reluctantly did. He then took his car around the corner, and watched as employees went back out to the dumpster and began retrieving as much of the rice as they could - to serve to customers! He nailed 'em!

(Hurl! I've had food poisoning, and the home-visit person that inadvertently gave it to me, found me lying on the floor next to the toilet. She actually begged a local priest to visit me - I think she thought I needed "last rites", or help in forgiving her. It all turned out well... :).) I feel bad for you all!

One sweet ER Dr. said, "Well the most comforting thing I think I can tell you is that this does soon pass..."
I hope you are all feeling much better, very soon!

Funny about the mis-sent texts... want to laugh and say that probably doesn't help!

Sending healing hugs and much love ((((((((Ali)))))))))))
Deer

 

[seedling]

I like your humor. Sorry about all the puking, not fun!
Maybe you could start a thread asking the guilt question and get input from lots of sufferers/survivors. I think there are people that could give you a lot of input. Have you read some of the other supporter stories of new loves that have had a similar course? Maybe not all the same outcome, but people who get together with someone new that has PTSD and then that person shuts down and doesn't communicate. Maybe on the intro page?

Chatting - use the "Start a Conversation" option. I always have to flounder around my profile for it. I click on my user name at the top of the forum page and go to contact details. It's on the left under Conversation Details. These are private, unlike commenting on someone's profile page. When I joined it was a different format, so I'm still getting used to this one.

He's doing well to keep in touch at this point, I see it as hopeful.

 

[Ali]

Day 9 Yesterday I received the longest text in over a week. ' hey sweets. What did you do today. Are you alright?' I responded back 'I went to tan for the first time ever! boobs are fine, butt is fried! lol' I didn't want to tell him how sad and confused I have been for a week, so desperately wanting to reach out, kinda heartbroken, finding support out of sheer desperation on a forum (<---NO regrets on finding this forum) etc.. I kept it light and upbeat. He then responded back, which was a shock!, how he has to work 20 hours tomorrow and send pics of fried butt lol.. he included a lol!
I was mistaken a week ago. He was not coming back from the bottom. I know he has tried so very hard to keep in contact with the goodnight texts. I give up on trying to figure out what is a good sign, and what is just his attempts on communicating. I really thought there would be more improvement by now. 9 days....
I feel as if the relationship is over, not on my behalf. Not neceassily on his... like I said, this is just how I feel. I feel I am grieving for what once was, and will never be again. I probably set myself up on this one, hoping that things would start looking up in a week. I put a time limit on PTSD and that was MY fault. I still don't want to be done. I so want to ask him, like a impatient 4 year old on a long roadtrip." How much longer?" but I can't because in by doing so I could push him farther back into isolation.
I am going insane again, checking the damn phone for text messages. His telling me he had to work 20 hours and asking for burned butt pics... i thought... well, there's the problem. I thought. I sent him a good morning sweets at 5:30 a.m. and a "ru there?' at 7:45.. these are normally really good times. No response.
9 days down... how many more? How much patience do I have? I am doubting I have much more left. I think I burned through my reserve tank of patience and am now coasting downhill on fumes. I will be back later.. right now I have to busy myself with something mindnumbing and distracting. Maybe I will give my truck a tune-up. My dad (and mom) taught me to be very independant and strong. How disappointed he would be in me right now

 

[seedling]

Ali, don't be hard on yourself.
If we knew all the "how longs" and "whens" too it would be great. Sounds like you have some of the same feelings I have about myself. It's always some new angle or tough spot. It sucks.
Let yourself float along and rest a little. You'll know what to do.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

((((((((((((Ali))))))))))))))

Hi Sweetheart!

This is why it is so very important for you to keep your social network of girlfriends active, and stay focused with your kids, so you don't feel so alone and strained. You need to continue to live life, whether it is going according to how you wish it, or not...

If he were in a wheelchair, the disability would be obvious, and it would be easier for people to think, "Oh, right; he wouldn't be up to ____(activity)___", and make other plans. Also, there wouldn't be the thought: "OK, it's long enough, time for him to spring out of that wheelchair." Do you love him enough that you are willing to accept the invisible wheelchair?

I think it shifts from an attitude of patience to out-of-patience through a bunch of other emotions (anger, grief, frustration, despair... all of these are possible and likely), however, it can move into accommodation. I love this person enough to accommodate the disability. Or not... If you do begin to accept and accommodate, then you can find ways around the disability. Hopefully the love, and caring within the disability begin to outweigh what has been lost.
If you are not ready for that kind of relationship, then it'll continue to be very difficult.

You could be in an impassioned whirlwind romance with someone else next year, then be driven off the road, ending up wheelchair bound... Would you want your new love to remain with you? Would you be in a struggle about being a burden to this person, and if so because you love them or are conflicted, would you push them back to try to figure out your prognosis and potential for life together?

Relationships when there is hardship or disability are difficult; yet no one on this planet is assured of getting through life without these huge life-shaking events.

I think it's almost a matter of: when do you want it, with whom, and what...

Some people try to avoid all unpleasantness, but (as you experienced Chinese-style) it still hits from out of the blue.

Running out of patience doesn't mean the end... it means a new journey deep within to discover wellsprings of love, hope, fortitude, forgiveness, and peace...

Sending wishes of peace and hope in all the challenges in your life; hugs and all my love,
(((((((((((Ali)))))))))))))
Deer

 

[Ali]

DIH... my fears are selfish. I fear he is not in love with me, or that he has forgotten how he felt about me.
I am so ashamed of myself.. self pity, pity party, and mind racked with selfish questions. I'll be back in a bit to do some back reading.. find inspiration in others.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

((((((((((((Ali))))))))))))))

You're not being selfish, Sweetheart! This is a big unknown for you, Hon. Of course it can get scary! You're doing all the right things, Ali! You an intelligent woman, and I'm impressed by your questions, touched by your love, ache with your pain and longing...

Sending hugs and all my love,
Deer

 

[seedling]

The fears are normal, the bottom has dropped out of things as you knew it and thought it was going to be. Take your time to deal with it all.
You are not alone.

 

[Ali]

Day 10. I have put the phone on top of the washer in the basement. This way I can only check it when I switch laundry over. I have decided not to send him a good morning or a goodnight text anymore. It's rainy today, and rain is forcasted for the entire weekend.
To describe what I am feeling is quite difficult. It's not over for me, yet. I won't give up on him, I just wish I knew he hasn't given up on us and more importantly himself. This is definitely his weekend with his son. (i mixed it up last weekend) I am praying that that father son time will help.
I am doing everything right? The way I feel is normal? That is reassuring, believe me. And you guys are awesome.. but are they just my fears? fears being the key word. Not the reality of the situation, just a fear of mine?
I quess I really need to find some sufferer perspective. It'a not like PTSD takes away your feelings, right? Just the mind shuts all emotions out..temporarily? To self protect? And as I sit typing I have another flood of emotions.. he has told me every day for 9 days I love you (haven't heard from him today) How difficult is that for him? While he is in complete shut down mode he still is managing to find a way to tell me he loves me.
DIH, you spoke of the wheelchair. While I do love this person enough to accomodate, I had little to no warning to the severity of PTSD. He told me he had it once in a casual conversation and I thought, (naive) 'okay I can handle that' and the conversation moved onto something else. It wasn't until I joined here how serious and difficult this can be. I have a very close friend whose husband is suffering PTSD from Afghanistan. His isolation is so different. That is where my okay I can handle that attitude came from.
Today, is laundry day. Today, is day 10. Today, I will turn the music channel up and dance and clean just like I do every Friday.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi Ali, he probably didn't know himself how difficult or all-pervasive it can be at times. For one thing (for a sufferer) it's a steep learning curve, also, or like peeling an onion, as they say. Also, we blame a lot on 'ourselves', at least initially, or at least I always thought it was just 'me'.

I think everyone's journey/ relationship is different. I would think that the more interconnections you have, the more brutal the 'down' times can be, though the more satisfying the 'successes'. Also, whether or not factors like drinking etc are complicatiing things further.

I'm so sorry it is so difficult for you. That's sort of a sufferer's worst nightmare, that they/ their behaviour is the cause of that, so taking care of yourself will help you both.

 

[Ali]

Day 11. I decided to finally give in and buy the boys new baseball cleats as the season is here. Begrudginly drag our butts out in the rain, discover our main road is flooded, and still decide we ARE going to do this today..come hell or HiGh water! (lame joke for those who caught it) So, anyways, here I am in the middle of a packed mall, with my 3 babies and my phone vibrates (good thing cause there is nO way I could of heard it!) and it was him. He was actually on his way over to surprise me, and his car broke down. My eyes immediately welled up in the middle of a very crowded mall.. the thoughts that I have had, the insecurities, all of it..it was me!
I spoke to him for the first time in almost 2 weeks. Actually talked! I asked him if he was feeling any better and he said no, but he just wants to see me. He loves me and misses me so very much. He is still messed up with 'work', but blocking me out is making it harder on him. I did not let him know my heart was beating so hard I could hear it, my cheeks and face were so flushed that my ears were burning, and the only way I wasn't falling down, because my knees were weak, was by watching my feet making sure I had one foot in front of the other. Bad reception in the mall and where he lives made it almost impossible for us to hear each other.. last words he said to me we the words I had been longing to hear for a while ;-)
We continued to text for about 20 minutes, and then he asked if I would go out to see him tomorrow. By the time I had arranged for care for my kiddos, maybe 10 minutes, he texted me back. Nevermind!!I guess he got called into work tomorrow. He then said he will text me later... ~sigh!~
I hope my emotional roller coaster is coming to a plateau... I know this will happen again. I am okay with that.. but boy do we need to talk!! I don't need details, really I don't! I need other answers and from what I have read only he can answer them.
You guys ROCK!! I will be back, because I am not sure this isolation is quite over. I am hoping I can share with him this wonderful forum, and I hope he will come here also, and find the same support I have. Just thought I would give you all a quick update and the I will be back is a promise.. not a threat! ;-) Love to you all!! ~Ali