Sufferer New To The Forum

[saraemerald]

Perhaps the self destructive side of this is a way of keeping yourself safe? Maybe a part of y...

And you know what? What you said is reminding me of this. When I had anxiety, I remember thinking it enabled me to not have to interact as deeply with people, and that at the time served as a protection from some of the crazies around me

 

[saraemerald]

Sometimes religion has the craziest bunch of people. A lot of repressed emotions, and this comes out in...

So true. Often times, those emotions are repressed because of the religion.

 

[saraemerald]

But this is where I get so frustrated. I used to be so proud of myself for staying strong despite the abuse in my childhood and everything else I went through including the PTSD. And then I had to deal with these crazy people and put up with it in "God's organization". I made it this far...
And then what do I do? I hide my success and sabotage myself and undo all the good work I have done for about a decade of healing and turned myself into an OCD crazy person with insecurities I didn't have before.

 

[pixel]

Do you still believe in Jehovah?

What I'm hearing from you is that people have disappointed you. Perhaps coming from a dysfunctional family, you've felt pressure to perform, to act as if someone in the family is normal.

So you volunteered more, moved to a foreign language congregation and went to quickbuilds.
Who were you doing these things for..?
For your God, or to prove a point? If it's to prove a point, one can't sustain a pretence forever.
If you were doing it for God, well that is commendable! but maybe you needed to give yourself a break from all those activities.
To properly address the issues of your past.

 

[saraemerald]

I literally destroyed all my hard work and became the person I never wanted to be.

 

[saraemerald]

Do you still believe in Jehovah?

What I'm hearing from you is that people have disappointed you....

I genuinely believed it and did things out of an honest heart but was extremely disappointed.

 

[pixel]

What would you say to a friend, if you saw this happening to them?

 

[aut555]

I genuinely believed it and did things out of an honest heart but was extremely disappointed.[/QUOT...

I understand,l am dealing with extreme disappointment right now in my life. I have really been taken advantage of and l don't know why. I am way older, and people really should not be this wrapped up about my personal business. You start to wonder if people have a life of their own. So you feel like the "experience" in your lifetime has been really screwed up. And you are feeling like a failure, and you are saying why me? But we both have to move forward, okay? We can't look at failure or hang out in that thought process because we will just stay unhappy and upset. You have to let go groups of people that tear you down. Because in some twisted way, people do to this to other people. It's nothing personal, they just kind of mob people with bad intentions. Can you forgive yourself? Please don't be so hard on you. It doesn't help with the healing process.

 

[saraemerald]

I understand,l am dealing with extreme disappointment right now in my life. I have really been taken adv...

I wanted so had for my friends and everyone I grew up with to see ME, when I had PTSD symptoms and without them. But because of where I came from and the PTSD I had, people never tried to get to know the real me and because eating organic, healthy food and taking herbal supplements is not encouraged in America and not popular, they never supported my method of self-care and constantly pushed meds. So when I finally did sucessfully heal my PTSD symptoms after years of VERY hard work and a strong faith in a God, the only true friends I had, were ones that hadn't known me when my PTSD was real bad. Prior to that, a lot of people screwed me over or were fake around me or were only nice to me when I decided to go elsewhere for friends in other congregations in my religion. There were some older people in my life though that were very sweet people. But most of the people around my own age, not so much. There was more annoying competition between them. I ended up being a single person at an older age than the norm and I was embarassed by it and eventually got sick and tired of being the sweet, "naive" , good, happy all the time, single girl. I wanted to actually have a life and also to feel my actual feelings instead of just 'happily waiting for God's Kingdom to come". My life became mundane, always doing the same things on a regular basis. Jehovah's witnesses don't have lives outside of the religion unless it's an obligation like work and school and even then, they encourage you to be wary of drawing close to anyone "in the world", Satan's world. Ugghhh!

 

[saraemerald]

What would you say to a friend, if you saw this happening to them?

Well, when this was happening to me, my friends weren't there for me and turned their backs on me. All I wanted was g

I wanted so had for my friends and everyone I grew up with to see ME, when I had PTSD symptoms and...

So, I don't know if it was my PTSD that made me appear a certain way to other people (even though I tried hard to hide it as much as I could) or my personality but people would treat me as if I were naive or younger than I was and that hurt my feelings and irritated me so much. It wasn't until I met people that hadn't known me growing up that treated me with more respect.

 

[aut555]

Well, when this was happening to me, my friends weren't there for me and turned their backs on me....

So how can we support you here? The pharm drug industry is very big and powerful. So of course, people believe all the hype about meds. It's great that you healed yourself, and you still should see that as a great accomplishment. Nobody can take that away from you. I have spent a lot of my life alone, because females don't get a lot of support. You basically walk alone in life, if you don't belong to a church, etc. So maybe you need to think about letting go of unhealthy situations, this could be anything, if you don't feel suported, you can chose something else in your lifetime. We only get one chance to do the things we want with one lifetime. What is it that you want to do? I wanted to go to Europe and l did after high school. I have done something l really have wanted to do. It's not to late for you to embark on your journey of what would make you feel passionate about your life, since l am not hearing that religion really helped you there.

 

[saraemerald]

So how can we support you here? The pharm drug industry is very big and powerful. So of course, people b...

I am still in a whole lot of pain. I still can't believe ALL of the abuse I have endured over the years and then all I put up with in the religion, believing it was the truth.
I can't believe after I healed myself and my mind and body felt whole and strong, I turned against myself and destroyed it and started going against my intuition. I was hurt and sad about the jealousy, hypocrisy and bad attitudes around me and became disappointed with the religion and the superficial love I saw throughout it and I had believed it at one point and thought I had a good, solid hope for the future outside of all the pain I had experienced in this world. I was also trying to remain a good and innocent person despite the hurt around me. And then when I was 26 years old, I turned against myself and made myself feel like a bad, unclean, horrible person. I started doing the complete opposite of healing and made myself feel guilty and I didn't even know why I was doing this. I started to hate myself and felt I had no excuse all of a sudden acting this way. And why would I suddenly change like this at the ripe old age of 26. Wasn't I supposed to be more mature?
My therapist has told me that I yes, I healed a lot of the physical symptoms but I had a lot anger and hurt and I had been strong for so long. But why did I all of a sudden turn into such a disgusting person and think such a sick thought intentionally to push God away and then force myself to feel like I was a bad person even though I knew I was a good person and never wanted to hurt anyone and constantly worked at being the best I could be!?!?