Hi Manhattan,
Welcome to the forum firstly. Very glad that you are here.
He sees the pain this is causing me and thinks that I don't deserve this and don't deserve a man who has seen and been through what he has. Seeing me in pain only makes him feel worse.
You hit the nail on the head with everyone who suffers PTSD, not just males, not just veterans, but everyone who suffers PTSD often pushes their loved ones away, because they cannot stand the pain themselves of the pain it cause upon others to see them deteriorate as we do.
But he really believes that a part of him died in Iraq and this is who he is going to be forever. He is a brilliant man and a religious man and feels like he cannot find the right person to talk with.
Ok, now this is a bit more into some of the smaller issues. I used to say the exact same thing actually when asked by counsellors, that it is like a part of me died, a little in each country I have served on operations. What I realised, is that pieces of me didn't die, but more I left them in those countries, because I couldn't bring them back with me, as I had enough already. I imagine this is something more realistic to what your husband is feeling, but maybe struggling to find the words or emotions to see it. Whilst many of us veterans leave pieces of us within the countries we serve, we can still get those pieces back, though we can't just go and pick them up, more we have been given a little reprieve and allowed to rebuild those pieces of our emotions, thoughts and feelings, once we have come to terms with our trauma. I explained it once something like this, in that I had no more room to carry any more trauma within me, so I just functioned as I had too. When I got on the plane to come home, I had no room, so I had to leave some pieces of me because I had excessive trauma now onboard me, which means something has to give. What do you do with emotions in an environment that don't cater them? You get rid of them. What do you do with feelings in an environment that doesn't cater you to feel? You get rid of them. What do you do with information that is useless within an environment that only requires survival and killing? You get rid of it.
This is the very real issue with veterans that we have during our operations, but the problem is, we don't realise what we have done until it is to late. We have left behind the very parts of us because of the environment where within, the parts that make us the person we once were. Instead all we have is incidents, survival, instincts, hypervigilence, alertness... trauma. On operations, you get rid off what is not needed, and you use that space to get your through with what occurs within that space of time. Sad, but very real. It takes time to learn how to rebuild emotions, thoughts and feelings, but all very realistic to achieve.
Manhattan, I would say your husband needs to come on here and talk with myself, as I know exactly what he is going through, as I have been through the exact same problems myself, and I have gotten past them all, and into the clearing where life once again is beginning for me, without all the weight of trauma. Help exists, and it is just waiting for him to want it.
Where does the line get drawn with those kicking boots?
Case by case scenario I think Aelis. If you make an appointment, and they fail to attend, kick them in the arse. If they fail to make the second one, kick them harder... if they fail to make the third one... three strikes and your out. I was given an altermatim, do it or I'm gone, said my wife. That shook me enough to attend... and well, everything just went from that point. It has taken me three years from start to finish to get better, and what a bumpy ride it has been, but it can be done. Within twelve months of active trauma therapy, going through hell and back again, this time with guidance, things get better to the point where symptoms still have impact on daily life, but very little compared to uncontrolled trauma and anger.
It is all through this forum, where people have tried to just put it aside, bury it, hide it, ignore trauma... and each and every time, every single person is still suffering because of it. Ignorance is not an option with trauma, and those carrying it need to know this. It won't ever go away unless they want to rid themselves off it by getting it out of them, until they accept it. Until then, it will just continually haunt them, affect sleep, relationships, their own lives, everyones lives around them, and will still be present more than ever until such a time when they want to get better.
A sufferer needs to make that active choice and mean it, or else they are just wasting everybodies time and energy on partial fixes, all of which just get reversed faster than it took to achieve because trauma still exists.
