Hi I am a 42 year old Mom living in the Midwest. My parents divorced when I was 6 and one day my Dad was just gone. My mother was not happy with the burden of children. She was not the loving or caring type.
I was very much the opposite of her. I wore my heart on my sleeve. Even though I am introverted I always wanted to help. I loved babysitting, and by the time I was 14 I had a full time summer job caring for a nonverbal, wheelchair bound child. At 16 I started working in a nursing home. I adored the residents. At 18 I went off to college and got my BSN in nursing. My mother was no help in this process. I had very strict rules at how far I could go away from home. I worked 2 jobs during the summer. One check would go to my mother, the other was to pay for school books. I also did work study during the school year. Nothing was handed to me. I worked hard. My mother did not attend any of the pre-college functions. I was the only pre-freshman who had no parent there. When I graduated she refused to come to the weekend parties. On the day of graduation she was an hour late. I missed out on many things waiting for her to give her tickets. She could not understand why I was upset.
I moved 3 hrs from home and started my career. Working second shift was tough, but rewarding. Eventually I left the hospital for public health. On my way to a patients home I was hit head on. When I called my mother from the hospital she decided to wait a few days before visiting. The accident was on Friday. I had surgery on Monday. She showed up for a few hours on Tuesday. My friends would not allow me to go home with her. I was in a hospital bed in their living room for 6 weeks. Luckily both friends were RNs too. After 3 months it was time for physical therapy and I had no choice but to go live with my mother. She did drive me to physical therapy, but she also charged me rent and my brother made me babysit his son with no payment. I was still in a wheelchair and on pain medications. I would have to crawl down the stairs to be with my brothers son. Also during this time my mother's boyfriend borrowed $8,000 dollars from me and my brother borrowed $1,500. I was never repaid.
A year after the accident I was able to return to work. Shortly after working I finally had a fallout with my mother. I tried talking with her about how she made me feel. She threw a chair at my head. Shortly after that I went into therapy. My therapist attempted to mend the bond with my mother. She called her multiple times trying to set up joint therapy. Finally my therapist said to me to give up on the relationship. She said it was toxic, my mother could not see me as an adult. She said that I would never have her as Mother.
Well I was diagnosed with PTSD and for the next 18 months we worked hard. I lost 83 pds and graduated from therapy. Then my grandmother became ill. I went home and tried to do right by her. My mother used her chance to hurt me again. After the funeral a phone call came that told me to never contact anyone in my family again. I called and said my peace. Basically I said it was stupid to cast me out. I could love her and care for her and would be loyal and there for her if she only would be kind to me.
Fast forward 12 years. I married, had a miscarriage, then a beautiful son who with multiple medical complications. My life is my own and it isn't easy. I thank god I am not like my mother because my son needsso much love and understanding. My husband is a survivor of severe physical abuse. We question why our child could not be healthy, but we both understand life isn't fair.
I get a letter out of the blue stating my mother is dying. She was. I contacted her, but she was not the one who wanted me contacted. She had no care or interest in me. (At some point she had also disowned my brother.) She did not ask about my husband, my child or my home. All she wanted was no conflict. She sent me a photo album with pictures that were loose in a box. She had put one page together and could not be bothered with doing anymore. I placed the box in the basement. Seeing childhood pictures were painful. I told her I would call her weekly. I am a RN and could not help but ask about her care. I gave some suggestions. They were ignored. I got phone calls from her friends who asked me to call her "Mom". I called her by her name. I could not call her "Mom" she had stopped being that when she disowned me 12 years prior. After 2 months she stopped taking my calls. Those 2 months were hard on me. I would have to call and pretend the past did not happen. I would be hopeful she would ask about my child, my life, anything but she never did.
My birth family is full of people who only care about themselves. 9 months after she stopped taking my calls a curious cousin called me. She was fishing for information before her family thanksgiving. We were on the phone 3 hours. I started jotting down if she would ask questions about my life. It is only polite to ask someone something after they had been talking about themselves. She never did. I always end up being there for them, but they care nothing about me.
3 years since that letter arrived. I have spiraled down into a depression and gained 45 lbs. Yesterday I felt like a weight had been lifted. I felt like cleaning. I could see things clearer. I told my husband how I was feeling. We talked about learning meditation to free our souls. We talked about how we felt incomplete and the need to make things whole again.
Today a call came in on our answering machine. We were eating breakfast, I told my son I wasn't going to answer because it was a wrong number. The message was "This is to let you know your mother died, not that you care." I had my son and needed to get him off to school. I did act fine and then came home and called my husband. I do care. I always cared, but the thing is I wouldn't have my son or my husband if I hadn't allowed myself to heal from past childhood trauma. I am ashamed that I have been weighed down the last three years with guilt and fear. I will never get to resolve the mother issues. I was told that by my therapist 13 years ago. The thing was I still had hope. People change. I know I did. With her death there is no more hope. I wish her peace. I told her that before she stopped taking my calls. I feel bad for her, she could have been loved. The thing is she never wanted to be loved by me. Somehow I was unworthy.
Now it is time for me to finally move past this. I need to get the hurt out and the weight off. I am in desperate need of some nurturing. LOL it is so strange. My husband married me because of how nurturing I am. I just wish I could nurture myself a little.
I was very much the opposite of her. I wore my heart on my sleeve. Even though I am introverted I always wanted to help. I loved babysitting, and by the time I was 14 I had a full time summer job caring for a nonverbal, wheelchair bound child. At 16 I started working in a nursing home. I adored the residents. At 18 I went off to college and got my BSN in nursing. My mother was no help in this process. I had very strict rules at how far I could go away from home. I worked 2 jobs during the summer. One check would go to my mother, the other was to pay for school books. I also did work study during the school year. Nothing was handed to me. I worked hard. My mother did not attend any of the pre-college functions. I was the only pre-freshman who had no parent there. When I graduated she refused to come to the weekend parties. On the day of graduation she was an hour late. I missed out on many things waiting for her to give her tickets. She could not understand why I was upset.
I moved 3 hrs from home and started my career. Working second shift was tough, but rewarding. Eventually I left the hospital for public health. On my way to a patients home I was hit head on. When I called my mother from the hospital she decided to wait a few days before visiting. The accident was on Friday. I had surgery on Monday. She showed up for a few hours on Tuesday. My friends would not allow me to go home with her. I was in a hospital bed in their living room for 6 weeks. Luckily both friends were RNs too. After 3 months it was time for physical therapy and I had no choice but to go live with my mother. She did drive me to physical therapy, but she also charged me rent and my brother made me babysit his son with no payment. I was still in a wheelchair and on pain medications. I would have to crawl down the stairs to be with my brothers son. Also during this time my mother's boyfriend borrowed $8,000 dollars from me and my brother borrowed $1,500. I was never repaid.
A year after the accident I was able to return to work. Shortly after working I finally had a fallout with my mother. I tried talking with her about how she made me feel. She threw a chair at my head. Shortly after that I went into therapy. My therapist attempted to mend the bond with my mother. She called her multiple times trying to set up joint therapy. Finally my therapist said to me to give up on the relationship. She said it was toxic, my mother could not see me as an adult. She said that I would never have her as Mother.
Well I was diagnosed with PTSD and for the next 18 months we worked hard. I lost 83 pds and graduated from therapy. Then my grandmother became ill. I went home and tried to do right by her. My mother used her chance to hurt me again. After the funeral a phone call came that told me to never contact anyone in my family again. I called and said my peace. Basically I said it was stupid to cast me out. I could love her and care for her and would be loyal and there for her if she only would be kind to me.
Fast forward 12 years. I married, had a miscarriage, then a beautiful son who with multiple medical complications. My life is my own and it isn't easy. I thank god I am not like my mother because my son needsso much love and understanding. My husband is a survivor of severe physical abuse. We question why our child could not be healthy, but we both understand life isn't fair.
I get a letter out of the blue stating my mother is dying. She was. I contacted her, but she was not the one who wanted me contacted. She had no care or interest in me. (At some point she had also disowned my brother.) She did not ask about my husband, my child or my home. All she wanted was no conflict. She sent me a photo album with pictures that were loose in a box. She had put one page together and could not be bothered with doing anymore. I placed the box in the basement. Seeing childhood pictures were painful. I told her I would call her weekly. I am a RN and could not help but ask about her care. I gave some suggestions. They were ignored. I got phone calls from her friends who asked me to call her "Mom". I called her by her name. I could not call her "Mom" she had stopped being that when she disowned me 12 years prior. After 2 months she stopped taking my calls. Those 2 months were hard on me. I would have to call and pretend the past did not happen. I would be hopeful she would ask about my child, my life, anything but she never did.
My birth family is full of people who only care about themselves. 9 months after she stopped taking my calls a curious cousin called me. She was fishing for information before her family thanksgiving. We were on the phone 3 hours. I started jotting down if she would ask questions about my life. It is only polite to ask someone something after they had been talking about themselves. She never did. I always end up being there for them, but they care nothing about me.
3 years since that letter arrived. I have spiraled down into a depression and gained 45 lbs. Yesterday I felt like a weight had been lifted. I felt like cleaning. I could see things clearer. I told my husband how I was feeling. We talked about learning meditation to free our souls. We talked about how we felt incomplete and the need to make things whole again.
Today a call came in on our answering machine. We were eating breakfast, I told my son I wasn't going to answer because it was a wrong number. The message was "This is to let you know your mother died, not that you care." I had my son and needed to get him off to school. I did act fine and then came home and called my husband. I do care. I always cared, but the thing is I wouldn't have my son or my husband if I hadn't allowed myself to heal from past childhood trauma. I am ashamed that I have been weighed down the last three years with guilt and fear. I will never get to resolve the mother issues. I was told that by my therapist 13 years ago. The thing was I still had hope. People change. I know I did. With her death there is no more hope. I wish her peace. I told her that before she stopped taking my calls. I feel bad for her, she could have been loved. The thing is she never wanted to be loved by me. Somehow I was unworthy.
Now it is time for me to finally move past this. I need to get the hurt out and the weight off. I am in desperate need of some nurturing. LOL it is so strange. My husband married me because of how nurturing I am. I just wish I could nurture myself a little.
