Relationship New To This- Complicated Ptsd Filled Relationship

[S2017]

So. To start, I've been in this long distance 7 month relationship with a man who has ptsd. It's been great and then it's been complicated.
Since we live far away I don't see him often, and so I deal/cope with his triggers thru phone and text when they happen. It seems to be a 1-2 times a month thing that they're really bad. I don't know how to cope sometimes after the trigger is over because of how bad things have gotten with the words he says.
He is truly two different people to me. This amazing sweet guy when not triggered and then an angry mean guy when he is. I know he's working on his ptsd- in therapy- and is actively trying to work on his ptsd. But it never goes away, what can I hope for? What can I reasonably expect from him? I feel like this is part of the problem is me expecting too much from him.
After a trigger and after he says these things (he doesn't meant to say), should he apologize? Should I not expect an apology because it was the trigger? Lately he says he gets triggered again having to hash out what he did while triggered and apologize. That I should let it go and move on once he's come back from a trigger. I guess it's hard for me to accept as I so badly want to hear that he didn't mean those words and say sorry (like a reassurance). I don't know how long I can last in a relationship with no support, and I don't know any groups to join for families of ptsd, maybe just seek out my own therapist, but I'm afraid they will just tell me to leave the relationship. I love him. And I'm willing to try and meet him somewhere half way or something. I just don't know what's realistic in this.

 

[Llith]

All I can say is talk to him about it, it can be hard to balance to be honest. My boyfriend also has PTSD, it can make the relationship difficult and hard, but I have also decided it is worth it, so I am sticking it out.

I personally would send him an email or long text explaining what I was thinking, saying although you understand it may trigger him it is important to you to have some kind of reassurance afterwards so you don't feel like his verbal punching bag. Its not always a nice conversation to have, but the longer you leave it the harder it can get. It is important to lay ground work first, otherwise you will get taken advantage of even if he doesn't mean it.

Wishing you all the best! 2 broken people can make for an interesting ride, but also I have found allows for greater levels of empathy and sharing, my boyfriend always has my back when I need him, and I have his :).

 

[S2017]

Thanks for those words. It helps I guess to know it's not just me. I have talked to him in depth about my feelings, he knows where I stand. He knows that I think about a trigger where he's said things and used name calling to get through his trigger that i'm left hurt and raw. And he's up until recently always just said sorry as some sort of blanket statement to cover what happened. But he's told me that he feels so shameful and guilty after an "episode" that it just unfair of me to make it worse or re-trigger him by going off what he said when he was triggered...

 

[Sighs]

Sigh! Welcome to my world. My vet says the most nasty cruel things you could imagine when he is stressed. When he is actually triggered he's even worse. Yet when he is relaxed he is the nicest, sweetest, kindest man.

As for an apology? Usually, he will simply start talking to me normally again and then ask for a cuddle. Sometimes he will say "I'm sorry I'm a horrible person." If I try to talk to him about how it makes me feel it's like putting a flame underneath kindling and we'll have the whole argument all over again. It's exhausting!

 

[Snowflakes]

@S2017 To answer some of your questions......when he lashes out at you, the most difficult but most necessary thing you must try to do is not take it personally. The verbal attack me seem personal but it really isn't.

Should he apologize? Up to him really. I wouldn't expect a formal apology, he knows what he did hurt you and he is upset at himself for hurting you. If he does apologize, accept it but don't use it as a springboard to launch into why he shouldn't do it again.

What can you expect? That's a tough one. Uncertainty and roller coaster ride doesn't allow for concrete expectations. You can read all our stories here to get an idea what to expect.

You can expect him to go to therapy and to respect your boundaries.

You also need to give him the space and time when he isolates. This is important. And remember, it's not personal.

I will say that getting your own therapist (who understands trauma and PTSD) is a very good idea for you. If the therapist tells you to leave the relationship (and you don't want to do that), find another therapist. The therapist isn't going to tell you how to fix or change him, the therapist will teach you coping skills so you can be in a good frame of mind to support him.

I have been supporting my C-PTSD sufferer for 10 years. Easy? No, it's the most difficult thing I have ever done. But I do it because I want to.

 

[Linzee]

It sounds like you've kind of answered a lot of your own questions. Yes his PTSD isn't going anywhere. Therapy or not, you cannot erase a memory you can only find better ways of coping with it.

I don't doubt you live him but if you decide to be in it for the long haul, you have to toughen your own shell first and learn all you can about this condition. How you communicate (or don't) is basic to understanding where he's coming from and not driving yourself nuts at the same time.

Like others have said, try not to take it personally but treat it like you would any other relationship. To find out if he really likes you back, live your life and let him come to you. If his behaviour is unacceptable to you then don't stay and tolerate it.

Well done for coming here to get guidance and support. Good for you!

 

[S2017]

It sounds like you've kind of answered a lot of your own questions. Yes his PTSD isn't going anywhere. T...

Thank you. I appreciate it.

 

[S2017]

Well actually I guess I'll just write one response here, I'm not use to this forum/website so my use of this isn't the best, lol. I appreciate the responses. It is nice to hear from people in similar situations. I do love him, and we have a future planned so that is why I'm here and looking into therapy for myself because I want to be with him. I tend to push him a lot and I tend to argue with him about things that I shouldn't and I'm working on being more understanding. It does take work.

 

[Snowflakes]

@S2017 I hope you don't mean you're leaving us. You are taking the tight step in getting therapy for yourself.

I, too, love my wife which is why I've been going through this with her for 10 years.

This forum has s definite place for me. When my sufferer isolated for weeks or even months, I'm not alone here. When she come up with a behavior that has me banging my head on the wall, I'm not alone here.

As long as he never abuses you, no one here would ever suggest you leave him.

Whatever you do, we are here for you AND your friends, and always will be. I truly wish both of you well.

Somewhere in this chaos, my wife and I will survive and live happy lives. We try the best we can.

 

[S2017]

@S2017 I hope you don't mean you're leaving us. You are taking the tight step in...

Of course, thank you. No, I actually have been reading and trying to absorb as much as I can. This has helped. I will probably post much more questions as time progresses. I know very little about ptsd, and most of it only from my boyfriend, the stuff he's willing to talk about, and I feel helpless most of the time. Having no friends or family to talk to about the relationship (for fear of judgement), had left me with a lot of loneliness the last 7 months. I should have found this site sooner, might have saved me from some miscommunications earlier!

 

[Snowflakes]

You will never walk alone here. Take care.