New to this forum and issues with relationships

[Cassiemkd]

Hi everyone!
I was diagnosed with mild PTSD by a therapist a few months ago. I actually laughed it off and never went back because I felt it was nonsense. For years off and on, my daughter's father had verbally and physically abused me. I finally left 5-6 years ago and I felt okay, or at least I thought I did. I was told I was to blame by those close to me. That I put myself there and I was not a victim of his behavior.

However, after the end of my last relationship, I feel that there are so many issues caused by the abusive relationship that I didn't realize. I self sabotage every relationship I am in because of manic thoughts that this person will hurt or leave me. So if I have the upper hand, I will win or I will push the person away and convince myself that the person wasn't worth it anyways.

I also can't feel love normally. It revolves around conflict. If there is no fighting, I feel numb. I have a wall up around anyone who is close to me. Even my daughter and that tears me up. Also my ex was a wonderful person and treated me so well. But once the infactuation phase was over, I felt numbness. However, it has happened in every single one of my relationships after the one with my daughter's father.

I am not the same person as I was before that relationship and abuse that spanned off and on for 6 years. I can't trust, I am impulsive, and I basically sabotage every relationship that I am in. After this last relationship ended, I am completely broken. I have started counseling.

I was just wondering if anyone can relate or has any helpful advice.

 

[Emily L]

I have had PTSD for a few years now, but officially diagnosed going on 2 years now. My ability to love, feel romance, connect romantically, etc, is pretty much gone. I am so numb to interpersonal relationships. I recently got out of a 2 year relationship. Amazing guy, he was a great fit for me... but I just couldn't love him back the way he needed me to. I also shut down like this after major break ups.. So I pretty much started over with this numbing thing again in February 2017.

I am sorry you are going through this. Our stories aren't the same, but I understand the numbing, so know you aren't alone.

Counseling is a good place to be at. I do not get counseling and I should. But counseling will definitely help you target these problems you are having, and will guide you to not sabotaging the relationships you have in the future, IF you give counseling your all and you have the right therapist for you.

I wish I could offer more advice to you. Other than what I've said, this is a good forum to be. Welcome to myPTSD!