Sufferer New To This, Nervous But Optimistic

[Montiel1984]

Hi everyone, I've closely watched these forums for awhile now and never have posted on any site, forum or blog before but I guess I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I don't want to come across as a needy person or someone who yearns for people's sympathy which I am really not. I just can't hold this in anymore. Writing anonymously and just hearing what you all have to say is worth a shot at better understanding what goes on in my mind. I been diagnosed with PTSD, major depression and GAD, which I still find hard to believe cause I feel those are just words attached to profit to label human suffering. In a nutshell, it all stems from seeing my little brother, my aunt and one of my close friends die in front of me. Not in to traditional way but in a violent way. All three lost to suicide which I was the fortunate one(sarcasm) to find or witness it unfold in front of my eyes. It all happened in a span of 4 months too. That all happened 4 years ago and for the past 3 years, I spent my time hiding from my pain, away from home, on tour with my band or working nightclubs(basically numbing any emotion as I hope some of you might know), then I stopped doing everyone I was doing.

I quit drinking and partying, dedicated my time and mind to my family and girlfriend. Just got to a point where nothing I was doing made me feel better even though I wasn't feeling anything, which I know it's hard to describe. Then all my emotions and whatever demons I had tried to drown just surfaced in full force about 8 months ago. I can't even describe it. These feelings and thoughts of death, guilt and just bottomless pain engulfed me completely. And not death as in wanting to die, just enthralled with death. Questioning life and obsessed with it. It's horrible. I went to two shrinks and that lasted about three months before I left since all they wanted to do was pump me with pills. One shrink even wanted to force pills onto me without even knowing what was going on. Since then I been on my own on this journey, just basically trying to overcome all this solo, without meds. I know I must sound like I'm rambling which I probably am but after following this board for awhile, I was hoping to see if maybe connecting with others who to some degree or another, feel or have felt these over encumbering feelings might help and vice versa. Well I guess that's it. Hi everyone

 

[katiekat]

Good for you to share with us and risk being vulnerable. I can imagine how uncomfortable and frustrating it was for you to be offered medication before being able to share with the doctors what you are going through. I wasn't there, but do you think they were afraid for your safety and wanted to give you a temporary solution to help even you out before diving into therapy? Maybe you are ready to try therapy again? And maybe you could be very upfront with the therapist about this particular issue and how you feel about it? Just my perspective without really knowing a whole lot about your situation. And... welcome!!

 

[Montiel1984]

I must say, this forum has some of the nicest people I have seen on a forum. Thank you. And I have never really been suicidal, I cherish life and it's random beauty so I that's why my hesitation has been so intense on not going back to an environment that revolves around numbing or mentally hiding from your problems. I have thought about going back but maybe just for talk therapy.

 

[katiekat]

I see an awesome therapist who actually said he was hesitant to have me go on antidepressants early on in therapy, and just this week for the first time in about 6 months the subject came up again and he walked me through the pro's and con's of going on antidepressants just to acknowledge my feelings of having "something wrong" with me. The conclusion was the same, he doesn't recommend them for me.

(I am in talk therapy also...)I think a good therapist will do things like that just to show that they are looking out for your wellbeing. I really hope you find a good therapist... I went thru 3 (over the span of 7 years) before finding this one. It's totally worth it when you find a good therapist!

 

[franciemarnie]

Welcome!

Maybe consider somatic therapy in order to release the trauma energy safely. Talk therapy can lead to understanding intellectually but it left me with unreleased trauma energy that I ended up numbing with drugs for years. My healing has come with the release. No more drugs 13 years now.

How awesome you are a musician. I used to fantasize years ago that singing and playing an instrument could release everything inside. Unfortunately smoking killed whatever chords I might have had. Somatic therapy does the trick for me.

Still wish I could sing though. Love music more than just about anything.

 

[Montiel1984]

I hope I find a good one too. Realistically speaking I'll probably try another one. It's just hard when it's left such a sour taste in your mouth and you see the vicious cycle that the pharmaceutical industry thrives on. I want to thank you Katie, just for responding. After so many years of silence then speaking out and feeling just not alone even if it's just a trivial response

 

[Montiel1984]

I understand what you mean francie. I have studied psychology and neurochemistry and understanding it intellectually is one thing and goes only so far with your psyche but the physical ramifications if not released are really difficult to understand.

 

[pamcoco]

Welcome. I wouldn't consider myself as belonging, but perhaps more here than most places. I remember very little for the last 4 years, which is something hard to grasp. But I hear a tiny bit of your story and think, of course you haven't let it in until recently. That is more than most humans will ever have to let in.

I am sorry for your experiences, not for your pain, as that is natural. Those who try to numb the pain are overwhelmed and know no other method. For myself, I would not be alive without the medication, but we all have our limits and graces.

I find it is the self loathing that is the hardest voice to quiet. I would imagine myself having seen what you have, and my self hatred would be high pitched. Screaming at me full force, at all hours. I continue to seek the calm and quiet nature I once knew. May you find peace here, there, or anywhere.

 

[Montiel1984]

Thank you pam and I hope you do as well or have found the serenity that you require in this life. The mind is an incredibly interesting and treacherous organ.

 

[a3a2]

Oh, Montie, I am so sorry. I cannot imagine the pain of finding even one family member, let alone three that had committed suicide. Wishing peace and healing for you.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Montiel,

Check out some of the threads and articles on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), as I think you will find these helpful. Personally, I had to change my own perceptions and thought processes to get out of the PTSD loop. Neuroplasticity is fascinating as it really highlights the brains ability to change.

I hope you find the information and support here helpful.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[Montiel1984]

Thank you. I'm checking it out now.