GunnerZulu
Bronze Member
What makes me angry today?
I find that my anger these days is not something of a isolated theme these days. I feel my anger is connected to a lot to my past, present, and future, a lot of stuff that I kick myself a lot for. I am angry at my indecisiveness, I loathe my inability to make a reasonable effort to secure a solid future for my family. Though Veterans Affairs helps me in every avenue of my life right now, they are a crutch, one that I must learn to live without and survive on my own. I understand I was injured in the line of duty, and that my dream of giving 25 years to my country will probably never materialize, but I must pick myself up and carry on from this. I must find a new dream, something very different from what I've been used to my whole life, and though change is scary its not always bad.
But I am fighting against a tide everyday, something keeps knocking me back down, and I think that thing is me. I am not allowing myself to live this life with my eyes wide open. Im not saying I blame myself for thinking the thoughts that go through my head because I've seen some shit, just as we all have, but these thoughts are becoming more of a nuisance than anything constructive, and I dont want my life's story to end with me fighting this PTSD shit. I dont want the last thing I do on this planet involving anything to do with PTSD, and thats why i continue to go to my appointments, because they have taught me that I am so much more than what the military could have ever offered me. I guess I wasnt ready to leave the military, but its a decision I made and I need to embrace that decision, not try to kick myself for it. There was a conflict in Afghanistan and my country asked me if I wanted to go to war, I said Hell ya. I didnt shy away like some bitch when shit got real, so that shows real courage on my part. So now that I have courage down pat, its time to start working on the other areas of my life, like loving my wife and being there everyday for her, the army doesnt teach you how to do that.
The anger monkeys on my back need to get a life.
GunnerZulu
I find that my anger these days is not something of a isolated theme these days. I feel my anger is connected to a lot to my past, present, and future, a lot of stuff that I kick myself a lot for. I am angry at my indecisiveness, I loathe my inability to make a reasonable effort to secure a solid future for my family. Though Veterans Affairs helps me in every avenue of my life right now, they are a crutch, one that I must learn to live without and survive on my own. I understand I was injured in the line of duty, and that my dream of giving 25 years to my country will probably never materialize, but I must pick myself up and carry on from this. I must find a new dream, something very different from what I've been used to my whole life, and though change is scary its not always bad.
But I am fighting against a tide everyday, something keeps knocking me back down, and I think that thing is me. I am not allowing myself to live this life with my eyes wide open. Im not saying I blame myself for thinking the thoughts that go through my head because I've seen some shit, just as we all have, but these thoughts are becoming more of a nuisance than anything constructive, and I dont want my life's story to end with me fighting this PTSD shit. I dont want the last thing I do on this planet involving anything to do with PTSD, and thats why i continue to go to my appointments, because they have taught me that I am so much more than what the military could have ever offered me. I guess I wasnt ready to leave the military, but its a decision I made and I need to embrace that decision, not try to kick myself for it. There was a conflict in Afghanistan and my country asked me if I wanted to go to war, I said Hell ya. I didnt shy away like some bitch when shit got real, so that shows real courage on my part. So now that I have courage down pat, its time to start working on the other areas of my life, like loving my wife and being there everyday for her, the army doesnt teach you how to do that.
The anger monkeys on my back need to get a life.
GunnerZulu
