Sufferer New To This, Sexually Abused, Physically Abused And Emotionally Abused

[undone]

bitzer -
(Sorry, for some reason I can't quote from my phone)

I think I accidentally gave you the impression that my mother was my (sexual) abuser when I said I didn't feel protected by her. What I mean is, ever since I've gained insight & realized what happened to me isn't normal, especially tiying in the fact that she was also abused - why didn't she see the signs? Even my elementary school saw the signs & asked her about it.

Now, physical abuse at her hands ... is a different story. I also witnessed and experienced a lot of extreme rage & violence in my home as a child, as my brother is an addict (20 years older than I & a meth addict for 20 years). My mother's enabling behavior had a lot to do with why my sister & I were around that truly vicious cycle, another reason I didn't feel protected & have trouble trusting her. Especially now, that my brother is out of prison again. Not using yet(?), but starting to see an old friend from that lifestyle. Which is always a precursor to the entire cycle starting all over again. Brother starts acting a tiny bit different or making bad decisions that I know addiction specialists advise against, mother gets angry at me, is defensive of brother & swears up and down he's okay. Slowly, more & more small things occur. I voice my concern, mother gets angry/defensive. This happens a few more times. Eventually CLEAR signs of drug abuse are happening... mother is angry/defensive & in denial. More clear signs. More denial (afterall, this is the time he would really change). Then the rage, violence, stealing, drug psychosis all kick in. And my mother finally admits he has a problem... but still lends him money & allows him to come around (when my father was gone at work, because he didn't allow it). I'm an adult now, but I've noted some of the same things in the very early stages that I have before, to my mother. In a non-accusatory manner! And she isn't speaking to me now. It just kind of threw me into what this cycle felt like at ages 4, 7, 10, 12, 14, 17, 19, 20, 22.

So, that's why I have trust issues & am still angry with her. I just thought I should clear that up.

 

[undone]

I'll bring it up (TA & contacting you on LinkedIn) once I build a bit of trust with her. So far I've seen her once, but I'm scheduled to come in once a week. Thank you for being so helpful & offering insight/a different theory & way to look at it. :)

 

[undone]

About the CSA - it wasn't my father or brother, either. But a family friend that was like a brother, for several years, along with an older child (teenager, teacher's assistant that came over from the high school) at school. (I just need to note that, even though I didn't say that out loud, just typing that was quite liberating. I find it hard to SAY what happened. I used to prefer to pretend that it never did. But now I really want to overcome it.)

Sorry for posting so much. Had to clarify further, since I read your post again & realized maybe you thought I meant it was them.

 

[ProudWife99]

Ugh. I ask myself the "why now" question all the time. My husband has Combat PTSD and it was not until things got seriously ugly with him that I realized I carried around my own baggage.

The only answer that I have recieved that satisfies me even slightly is that my brain has either a) decided it can no longer keep out memories it avoided allowing me access to or b) decided I am stable enough to begin to deal with them.

Personally, I would have never remembered any of the awful things I do now, but apparently it is a good thing as I can look at my past now and a lot of my behavior begins to make sense.

Congratulations on the engagement!

 

[bitzer]

I'll bring it up (TA & contacting you on LinkedIn) once I build a bit of trust with her

Take your time building trust. My wife says it took the first 17 years of our marriage to build trust with me.

Thank you for being so helpful & offering insight

You're welcome.

 

[bitzer]

I just need to note that, even though I didn't say that out loud, just typing that was quite liberating. I find it hard to SAY what happened. I used to prefer to pretend that it never did.

I used to think that my family were perfect and I was the whack-job, and there were chunks of my childhood that I couldn't remember.

Now I can see that grown-ups that were around at the time must have known what was going on and yet they did nothing. I look at photo's of myself at various stages of my life, and I can see the damage written all over my facial expression. Why didn't someone do something? Why didn't they care? (I don't have any answers, I just needed to get that off my chest).

 

[ClairBear226]

Welcome, Kitten. There's really good information here, especially in the Wiki section. The chat room is a good place to find support too. And I LOVE the screen name. :D

 

[Kitten]

Welcome, Kitten. There's really good information here, especially in the Wiki section. The chat room is a good place to find support too. And I LOVE the screen name. :D

Thanks :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi and welcome to the forun:)
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage.
Why now? is a good question. I think it is because you are strong enough to cope with it. I encourage you to get to know the people here, there is so much help, support, hope, and encouragement. You are not alone. It is nice to meet you.

 

[Kitten]

Thank you Gizmo, I definately think you make a valid point. So far it doesn't seem to be anything I can't conquer or get through. Only thing that makes me nervous is that I once again have only touched the surface. Once I get down to the nitty gritty of everything that has gone on I hope to still be as positive!

I get the feeling of "ok, I know this is an issue, but where the HECK do I start?!" I'm not good about just putting it all out there. Since I have "survived" I have a hard time looking to anybody for anything including when they are willing to lend an ear. I don't want pitty or sympathy, and aside from that I'm not really sure what I want exactly. Perhaps just to feel like I can heal from things enough to have my "happily ever after" when I get married. Maybe just enough to be capable of functioning a couple days in a row without thinking about the list of things that has gone on..... and all these questions leads me back to.... Where in the HECK do I start? Just trying to figure out what my next step is :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi Kitten, I have no words of advice for you. Where do you start. There is a section called trauma diarys which is helpful in getting the life story out. It helps alot to do that. But you said that you were not good at that. I understand about not wanting pity or sympathy. I know that you are excited about starting your new life with your husband.

I do not remember did you say you were seeing a therapist that you trust with your healing process?
If you are the therapist would be the one to direct your question to.

You already went through it and endured and suffered it. Now you will remember it and it is a process that takes time. When I began my process I wanted it to be over in 3 months or less. The more I explored the longer it took. I began my process in 1985. I have had 9 years of therapy and will be starting EMDR on Thursday.

I do not want to unearth any new memories that I have repressed so we will see what happens. If it does happen I will have to face and deal with it.

I think the best thing I could say to you is take good care of you. If you aren't ok then nothing will be ok.
I hope you keep your great spirit throughout your process. It is a tough one. I hope this helped alitlle.

 

[bitzer]

... it doesn't seem to be anything I can't conquer or get through ...

There's been a number of things you have said that have got a little alarm bell going off in my head. I'm going to share my concerns with you on the basis that, if I've got it wrong, you can tell me I've got it wrong (and forget that I said anything), but if the following makes any sense, you can use it if you want to.

I think most people value strength, as in the, "You're strong, you'll survive" kind of meaning. Yes, strength IS a good quality. It gets us through the bad times.

But what if it becomes a rigid response to all sorts of problems we face? What if it becomes a defining characteristic?

What if we feel that we have to be strong all the time and we become known for being strong, so that people around us start bringing their problems to us to resolve for them? What if our belief that we have to be strong for ourselves and the ones we love and care about is greater than our actual capacity to handle the load. What if we take on a huge load and start cracking up under the strain?

Is any of this making sense?

I know this is an issue, but where the HECK do I start?

I agree with gizmo; taking care of yourself is a good place to start. I found Lousie Hay's "How to love yourself" stuff very useful at the beginning of my journey. Her top three tips are: #1 Stop all criticism, #2 Don't scare yourself, #3 Be kind to yourself.

I'm not really sure what I want exactly.

That's the problem I had big time. Who am I? What do I want? These things got repressed because my parents considered that their needs were incredibly important and that my needs were irrelevant. In order to survive as a child I had to repress my instincts and become what they needed me to be, and my Real Self became more and more dissociated.

My behaviour was groomed and habitualised throughout my childhood, and became second nature.

It has taken an enormous effort for me to start to challenge the brain-washing.

So, as an adult, not only was my Real Self dissociated, but it actually felt dangerous for me to attempt to get back in touch with my needs and instincts. Instead of feeling happy doing the things that were instinctively right for me, I would be angry, sad or scared because of the mis-match between the programmed response and the response that is right for the Real Me.

That was the break-through; the realisation that I had to focus on what made me happy, despite the fact that it felt scary.

And that's how started to breathe life back into the Real Me. Louise Hay's "How to love yourself" stuff worked for me because it made me scary/happy.