Hi all.
The hardest part for me in having PTSD is that while I feel loved, I do not feel understood. I am hoping to find some understanding here. I shall try not to be too wordy, but it's hard to put such important things into short form lol.
I was diagnosed with PTSD in February of this year. The initial trauma was an act of random violence against my younger brother, who was assaulted quite severely. It happened almost 2 years ago. The last part of the trial for this, the sentencing hearing, was held about 2 weeks ago. I go through periods of doing well, and then something like a trial date comes up, and I get those lovely symptoms again...
I wasn't even there when it happened, although I helped raise my siblings and am close to them all. I am told that events happening after the assault (I finally left my boyfriend of 9 years, had to sell the house we had together, etc a lot of good but painful decisions) certainly helped create the enviornment for the PTSD to develop. I feel weak for letting PTSD take over me for an event that I wasn't even present for, had no part in. I am amazed at the depth of the flashbacks I have of an event I didn't see.
My brother is not doing well, but I feel I have done for him all that I can until he is ready to seek professional help. I love him and miss the person he used to be. No one in my family knows I have PTSD. I was always the one to take care of them, not the other way around, and rely on my friends instead of family when I need help. I am uncertain that knowing I have PTSD will benefit my family in any way and so they do not know. We love each other, but that isn't the sort of relationship we have in many ways. I am 30, by the way.
I work in healthcare and am well aware of the atrocities commited each day, the things we do to each other... I know I am lucky. But I don't feel lucky.
I feel tired. I am weary of being scared, not sleeping. I go through patches of feeling great. And then a life change, or a court date, arrives and I wind up at a loss. I stop sleeping, and then stop eating right, and then the flashbacks start up again, and the anger. It's less each time, and I have learned to deal with it better. And yet.... I chose Eeyore as my screen name cause that is how I feel. Like I am under a perpetual rain cloud and can't even get my sh!t together enough to keep track of my own tail.
My greatest challenge recently was attempting to take a new dating relationship to the next level. Nothing makes you more aware that you have scars than trying to trust someone new. And having it not work out is taking a lot more out of me than I would like to admit, although I would like to think the PTSD had little to do with it not working.
That's me and where I am at.
Thanks for reading.
The hardest part for me in having PTSD is that while I feel loved, I do not feel understood. I am hoping to find some understanding here. I shall try not to be too wordy, but it's hard to put such important things into short form lol.
I was diagnosed with PTSD in February of this year. The initial trauma was an act of random violence against my younger brother, who was assaulted quite severely. It happened almost 2 years ago. The last part of the trial for this, the sentencing hearing, was held about 2 weeks ago. I go through periods of doing well, and then something like a trial date comes up, and I get those lovely symptoms again...
I wasn't even there when it happened, although I helped raise my siblings and am close to them all. I am told that events happening after the assault (I finally left my boyfriend of 9 years, had to sell the house we had together, etc a lot of good but painful decisions) certainly helped create the enviornment for the PTSD to develop. I feel weak for letting PTSD take over me for an event that I wasn't even present for, had no part in. I am amazed at the depth of the flashbacks I have of an event I didn't see.
My brother is not doing well, but I feel I have done for him all that I can until he is ready to seek professional help. I love him and miss the person he used to be. No one in my family knows I have PTSD. I was always the one to take care of them, not the other way around, and rely on my friends instead of family when I need help. I am uncertain that knowing I have PTSD will benefit my family in any way and so they do not know. We love each other, but that isn't the sort of relationship we have in many ways. I am 30, by the way.
I work in healthcare and am well aware of the atrocities commited each day, the things we do to each other... I know I am lucky. But I don't feel lucky.
I feel tired. I am weary of being scared, not sleeping. I go through patches of feeling great. And then a life change, or a court date, arrives and I wind up at a loss. I stop sleeping, and then stop eating right, and then the flashbacks start up again, and the anger. It's less each time, and I have learned to deal with it better. And yet.... I chose Eeyore as my screen name cause that is how I feel. Like I am under a perpetual rain cloud and can't even get my sh!t together enough to keep track of my own tail.
My greatest challenge recently was attempting to take a new dating relationship to the next level. Nothing makes you more aware that you have scars than trying to trust someone new. And having it not work out is taking a lot more out of me than I would like to admit, although I would like to think the PTSD had little to do with it not working.
That's me and where I am at.
Thanks for reading.
