Undiagnosed Newbie, Child Abuse And Such

[Annie B]

Hi there everyone. I guess I'll tell you my story...

I've tried forums before but whenever I start opening up even a little I get embarassed and I leave! I've been in denial about my PTSD until recently and it doesn't help that I don't have an "official" diagnosis (does that mean I'm not allowed on this forum?). I've spoken to a number of counselors and social workers and all of them have mentioned PTSD and I just wave it off and stop seeing them before they can "diagnose" me. I wasn't in battle or raped or anything, so I couldn't possibly have PTSD, right?

Anyway, I come from a troubled, dysfunctional, yet sincerely loving family, which makes it very difficult to admit to the severe childhood abuse. They truly did the very best they could given the circumstances. My mom has serious emotional problems caused by all kinds of abuse from her adopted mother, ex-spouses, etc. I suspect she's bi-polar but she'll never see anyone, therefore we will never truly know for sure! She's emotional and unpredictable but she means well. My dad was also abused as a child but he turned to alcohol and anger as his coping mechanism. Luckily he's since reformed. Thank the stars these two crazies found each other. :)

I was the only kid of 6 who was physically and verbally abused as a child. Well, that I'm aware of. Chances are that none of my siblings know what I went through. I was the only one who would not run and hide when my parents fought (the really bad kind of fighting: bruises, broken furniture, throwing dishes, the works). I always wanted to "fix" everything. My mom would dump her problems on me even when I was very young, sometimes keeping me up at night crying to me like I was her therapist. On her really bad days she would take out all her frustration on me the way someone would a dog. I was forced to be the glue keeping my parents together. I had to keep my mom emotionally stable, at risk to myself. They're fine now, but I'm not.

We were very poor growing up so I was used to going without a lot of things. My parents worked very hard and now live a life that would surprise, based on my last two paragraphs. They're truly good people and they have made a concerted effort to become better people and parents. I truly carry this burden alone, even though my husband knows about it. I don't bring things up because I don't want them to feel guilty for screwing me up emotionally. My mom struggles emotionally enough as it is, I don't want to add to it. I don't want to tell other people because they'll think poorly of them.

So there's the basic story. Sorry I got a bit carried away! Obviously there's more to it than that but I don't want to write a novel. :)

 

[iMPACTt43w0r1d]

I'm sorry for what you've been through. And I suppose reading the other trauma diaries here may convince yourself that your story isn't worth sharing or what not. And i'm no expert but I could very well see PTSD develop because of your experiences.... Don't worry about being open here. :) we have all had our share of problems. You will find that many people on this forum will love you even for just sharing because we know how it feels and what its like without support. As for a novel. :) we'd love it. Or at least i would. haha. You should see some of the other diaries here. They're wickedly looong but its all good :)

 

[Annie B]

Well that's nice of you to say! Thanks for your interest in me and my story. I just assume people will think I'm just feeling sorry for myself or being dramatic. And there are so many people on here who went through pretty nasty stuff, I probably don't even have a right to complain. But I do tend to sugar-coat things when I talk about them (IF I talk about them, and then only with very choice people). I found a good social worker recently but stopped going because it turns out they like to talk about these things! haha. And he won't let me sugar-coat and pretend that life is just hunky-dory. I hate crying and expressing my emotions (half the time I can't figure out which one I'm feeling) so rather than humiliate myself in front of another human being I just stopped going again. Too bad, I liked him.

So I guess this forum is the next best thing! Either that or start eating a lot of ice cream. And my poor hubby- he can only understand so much. He was never abused or bullied (oh did I mention I was bullied a LOT?) and I'd say he's pretty well-adjusted emotionally. He gets a little anxious sometimes, but it's not related to any sort of trauma or anything. It wouldn't be fair for me to constantly dump on him. That would make me like my mom, which is not a good idea. I don't have any friends, of course, because I won't allow people to get very close because I figure they wouldn't care anyway. Plus I'm one of those social withdraw-ers (I'm making words up now) so...yea, that explains itself.

Anyway, I'll have to check out the diaries :)

 

[iMPACTt43w0r1d]

The only warning I have to give to you when reading other diaries is to listen to your favorite uplifting songs when reading. It helps, or at least it helps me read them.

Everyone has a right to talk about their experiences. It is noone's place to every say that you are being over dramatic. My father believes I'm a hypochondriac and does not think I have PTSD and as a result is not as understanding.... :(

I don't believe thats right because its your story and journey when you overcome PTSD, and believe me, you will overcome PTSD. :) Noone has the right to take that away from you :)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

There is a great bunch of supportive people here! Take your time and do some reading.

... it doesn't help that I don't have an "official" diagnosis (does that mean I'm not allowed on this forum?).

You are allowed here, but people will tell you and it is highly recommend that you seek a professional diagnosis so you know you are dealing with PTSD and not something else. This also helps in your healing and to get the correct help.

Best wishes!