newbie with confusion - don't feel my trauma was enough to cause PTSD

[zarae]

apologies in advance for asking. new to this, hope this is correct placement and if it is ok to ask.

been told by therapist previously (last year) and recently confirmed again that I qualify for PTSD.
I rebutted this- I am missing the constant nightmares and visual flashbacks, The criteria list was pulled out and went through which ones applied to me, saying that I fit nearly all. It was actually commented that with my past, it was a surprise I didnt have a personality disorder, esp with father and sister possibly having it.
anyway, my main issue in disagreeing is because the CSA (of which I have few fragmented cognitive memories) wasnt bad enough to warrant such and it would be minimizing to put it in the same category as real sufferers (like putting a paper cut and compound fracture in the same group); it sounds like this is denial, but just being realistic and rational about it. and while the nightmares I have had been thematically abuse related, but as far as I remember are not the actual events and relatively infrequent. I dont have the visual replay of any of the CSA as far as I remember, maybe snippets of things but cant tell if it is imputed from external sources or created by the mind to fill in gaps. the closest I can say to having flashbacks would possibly be emotional flashback, if that is really it. There is also the rather long delay, an adult before severity would seam enough to qualify for a disorder (assuming that to be a disorder is defined by lack of functioning and impedes one's life).

(sorry for long rambling to get to the point), but if the reliving is the hallmark feature of PTSD, then rationally, one wouldn’t have it if they were missing that, correct? my concern is having made everything a bigger deal, somehow/accidentally making the therapist think things are worse than should/are. I dont want to minimize other's suffering by putting my situation in the same group.

again apologies bothering anyone with such trivial things. and thank yall in advance.

 

[EveHarrington]

.....so, in your opinion, only certain kinds of CSA qualify for a PTSD diagnosis? Where exactly do you see this line being? (No need to answer here, just said to make you think.)

Do you realize that in your effort to protect those with more “severe” trauma, you’re actually minimizing the effects on those of us who don’t fall on the more severe side of things....? (Not that you actually have this power, I’m just making the argument that in “protecting” certain segments of the ptsd population, you’re also inadvertently saying that some of us who also don’t have more severe CSA aren’t worthy of the diagnosis. We are.)

Visual flashbacks are only one kind of flashback. Sadly, most professionals don’t explain this to trauma survivors so we’re left thinking that if we don’t SEE replays of the trauma, we aren’t having actual flashbacks. This couldn’t be further from the truth.

Delayed onset PTSD is a specific type of ptsd that is extremely common. Just because you were “ok” until adulthood doesn’t mean it can’t be ptsd.

I don’t know if you have ptsd or not. I see a lot of denial in what you write based on misinformation about the disorder and incorrect assumptions. Almost like you’re trying to find reasons to not have ptsd? I think it’s worth exploring this with your therapist.

 

[digger]

@zarae please log in to your account to reply. Thanks.

 

[zarae]

I am so sorry to come off minimizing yall suffering. I didn't meant that.
Is it too late to delete my post before causing more harm?

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @zarae you're not causing harm.

If you have the presence of the other criteria, can't look them up at the moment but avoidance etc, is it not interfering with your life?

I think sometimes it takes a very, very, very long time to recognize, acknowledge, or admit that things were damaging, or caused damage.

Whichever way, best wishes with your healing. :hug:

 

[Sideways]

The thing about ptsd is that it isn’t diagnosed on the basis of whether the trauma was ‘bad enough’. It’s based on whether the trauma is of the type that causes particular brain changes (like an over-active amygdala).

So, with CSA, a lot of us fall into the trap of using comparisons with other people’s trauma as a way to minimise our own experience. It’s an almost everyday event on this forum that someone will say “it wasn’t that bad” in relation to their own trauma.

But that’s not what your pdoc has looked at. They’ve given you a diagnosis based on the changes that you’ve described to them. Not based on how tough your life has been.

There’s a lot of misconceptions about ptsd in your post - about needing visual flashbacks, or nightmares that specifically relive the event. Tonnes of people have ptsd without visual flashbacks, and plenty of us experience nightmare that reflect an underlying pathology, but aren’t actually specifically about our traumatic experience.

As for ‘my CSA wasn’t that bad’. The impact of csa on a child is a really complex thing. Sexual interference, of any kind, can be traumatic to a child’s mind. This is more to do with the way a child’s mind is wired and how it develops, and has surprisingly little to do with some kind of ‘how bad was it’ comparison that we make as fully developed and experienced adults. Secual interference causes a child’s mind to react as if it were experiencing trauma in a similar way to the way an adult brain would react to being chased by a tiger. Not because the experience is ‘bad enough’, but because of the way an undeveloped child’s brain is wired.

So, whatever your assessment is of your csa now, as an adult looking back in retrospect, at the time? Your brain interpreted it as traumatic (which is just what a child’s mind does), and that changed the way your brain developed from that point on.

Your T has diagnosed you with ptsd. Regardless lf how valid you feel that diagnosis is? Your T is basically saying to you, from the perspective of someone who is qualified to understand the neurological nuaces of this stuff: you are suffering more than you need to.

Try and put aside the comparisons for a while. Regardless of how ‘bad’ our individual trauma may be? Our individual recovery is as important as anyone else’s. You deserve to have a better life than you’re currently experiencing, and you have every reason to be optimistic about your recovery if you can get the support you need:)

 

[flowerapple]

My therapist said that it isn't the severity of the trauma, i.e. how much there was, but your reaction and perception of the trauma that makes it traumatic. The severity can make it more likely that you will develop it, but not necessarily. Something 'small' can happen but to you it was major and so you have a major reaction to it, while something 'large' happens but to you it was not major so you have a minor reaction.

Also we have a tendency to minimize our trauma, and think that our trauma is too small to be deemed traumatic. We tend to compare ourselves to others and our trauma to other persons' trauma. However, it must have been traumatic enough as your therapist has given you the diagnosis. Im not sure if this is the case but I think we minimize it as a way to control our reactions and protect ourselves, but it is counterproductive and in fact does more harm than good. I don't know but that's my thought on it.

Also, it is not a must that you experience visual flashbacks or nightmares. There are many who experience emotional flashbacks.

It is also common that you don't remember every thing about the trauma. One of my traumas that occurred when I was between 4 and 6, I don't remember much of just a few snapshots also that aren't even much to illicit a response out of me. I am not affected by it much, despite it being traumatic and me remembering bits of it. Whenever it comes to mind I am able to deal with it. But in the case of my other traumas I cannot say the same for them. In a way it goes back to before with events being traumatic not by severity but by perception. With that one I was younger, and didn't really understand much of what was happening. For some reason I blocked it and I didn't remember much until later and even then I perceive it as something less. I understand why I didn't tell and I attribute it to my age. The traumas that occurred later on though I see them differently, and that plays a major role in my reactions towards it. All of them are traumatic events in themselves, but I have a minor reaction to one and a major reaction to others.

Also, although it occurs less, there are people who have delayed onset ptsd. I looked it up and found some links that have some info that might be useful to you.
A Quarter of Cases of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder Is With Delayed Onset
Why Do Some People Develop Delayed PTSD?
Delayed - Onset Post Traumatic Stress Disorder | Vantage Point Recovery
What Delayed-Onset PTSD Is and Why It Occurs

I also find that doing research and reading up on PTSD and related things is very useful to me, in terms of rationalizing thoughts in my head. It helps to have facts so that when I start to put myself down, I am able to tell myself these facts. It is almost like a third party, outsider being objective about my feelings when I don't have my therapist to talk it out with.

Anyways, I hope this helped. Good luck.

 

[TTC18]

I'm saying this with all the humor and good-nature in the world-
'my trauma wasn't bad enough'
Join the club, we have t-shirts. I can't tell you how many times I've said the same thing.
And.... CSA is bad enough. I don't care how 'bad' it was. ANY CSA messes with your brain.
Don't minimize - it's hard enough to deal with this stuff without thinking you're not worthy of help because what happened to you wasn't that bad. (pot, meet kettle)
I hope you stick around, this is a very supportive forum. :)

 

[zarae]

a thank yall to everyone who took time to read, reply, comment.

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m sorry I came across as harsh....I was just trying to say don’t worry about feeling like your trauma wasn’t bad enough. Any kind of CSA can warrant a PTSD diagnosis. I say this as someone who is not on the more severe end of CSA myself, but I do have chronic ptsd. If you don’t feel comfortable with the ptsd label, then don’t worry about it. Just focus on healing your troubling symptoms.

 

[blackemerald1]

If you don’t feel comfortable with the ptsd label, then don’t worry about it. Just focus on healing your troubling symptoms.

^^Yeah - don't get all tangled up in a diagnosis. Hang in there with your therapy and see what comes of that. :)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

it sounds like this is denial, but just being realistic and rational about it

No it's not, it's denial.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I deny everyday how "horrible" my trauma was. To me, it's normal. Therefore not "bad" let alone "horrible".

Denial is a coping mechanism. It is a way to cope. A not good way, but a way. It is a survial mechanism. And really, because we grew up with it...to us, it is "ok" in our brains. I cringe everytime my therapist says "it was horrible" or "it was terrible" or anything like that. We need to come to understand how not ok it is and process that. Thus, therapy.

recently confirmed again that I qualify for PTSD.
I rebutted thi

So did I. I fought my PTSD diagnosis for a very long time. I think it's normal to think "no way this is as bad as ______". But it's not about how bad stuff is. It's about, did it make said changes in the brain. CSA, of any kind, can do that.

I am missing the constant nightmares and visual flashbacks

Flashbacks can be purely emotional or involve any of your 5 senses. You can feel a flashback but not see it. Hear but not feel or see it. Smell but not hear, see, or feel it. Taste but not smell, hear, see, or feel it. Etc.

reliving is the hallmark feature of PTSD, then rationally, one wouldn’t have it if they were missing that, correct?

There are many ways on can "relive" the past. I think you are clinging too much on the stigmatized definitions of PTSD and minimizing your own trauma because it feels less then. But, have you considered other ways one can "relive" trauma, such as purely emotional? Not everyone "relives" it in the sense of "seeing it".

Acceptance is a big deal. Accepting that your trauma can cause PTSD and that, yes, it is "bad enough" because it can cause changes in the brain. That, is a big hurdle that I think you are at, at the moment.

You don't have to meet every single aspect of PTSD to have PTSD. That's why there's a diagnosic criteria that doctors use.