Sufferer Newly Diagnosed, Feeling Very Alone, In Emdr

[alittlelostatsea]

I am 25 years old.

When I was 13 a state trooper came to my house four days after Christmas and told my mom sister and I that my dad got in a car accident due to icy roads and was immediately killed on impact. 12 years, two abusive relationships, a sexual assault, and one major knee surgery later, here I am.

I always thought PTSD was reserved for soldiers. I always just thought my horrible anxiety, bouts of depression and lack of trust for events in life and the people in it was just normal. I never knew the intense fear, anxiety and visualizations of my dads death that I get when I drive in winter conditions had a name. I never knew it needed to get dealt with. I never knew that my numbness was a problem that needed to be dealt with. Everyone always says I'm "so strong", but they have never known its not strength, its just me not being able to handle things. I am SO good at making my self numb.

I have nearly died from physical illness because I am so good at ignoring pain. Has anyone else had that? I didn't know I had a severe kidney infection until I was in septic shock i.e. about to die. The ER doctors and nurses told me that they don't know if I would have made it if I would have come in any later.
I have been snuck away in the wee hours of the morning to a mental institution for suicidal thoughts, and most of the people in my life had no idea I was even depressed.

I feel so incredibly alone with all of this. I didn't ever think I could have PTSD. I went to a counselor on my school's campus for severe anxiety during my knee surgery recovery, and she told me I needed to see a trauma specialist, that they couldn't help me there. This is the first I had heard of the concept of "trauma" in my life. I am now a month or so in to counseling with the trauma therapist, getting ready for our first sessions of EMDR.

The therapy sessions have been SO difficult. Not necessarily at the time, but hours or a day later, it hits me and I cry for hours. I am so incredibly sensitive and take everything personally. I am terrified that opening all of this back up again will make everyone in my life leave me. I feel like I should hide it from everyone to save them. But I am screaming inside to be loved, feeling trapped in my own body and mind. I am hoping this forum will help me feel less alone and trapped.

Bleh

 

[ladee]

Welcome!. Glad you are here. You will get support here for sure. We have a very healing community here and happy you are with us.
Always someone here..so please reach out.
We do understand and you are not alone.
Gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[Bryan999]

Lot of people out there going through the same thing you are. So your not alone in your struggle. I was a soldier but I thought there was no way in hell I would have gotten this. It has ruined my life in so many ways and I didn't realize what it was, I thought I was mentally weak. Anyway, I think a lot of that fear of being alone is common. I hate being alone even though I struggle in crowds and with people. But, it goes back to that feeling safe thing. I know I feel safe when im with others, especially the few I kinda trust. Good your on here though. Good to talk to people. Helps me out. I just been on here a day and its nice to see that I have somewhere to go with people who are going through the same struggle I am

 

[Esterio]

I am 25 years old.

When I was 13 a state trooper came to my house four days after Christmas a...

Thanks for the post alittlelostatsea. Welcome, I'm sorry for the pain and trauma you suffered to get you here. This is a good place to learn about PTSD. Lots of good, caring, supportive people here, ready to listen and needing to to talk also.
PTSD comes from out of nowhere. It dose not seem to pick favourites, all of our stories are different from violent, sever trauma to what some might feel not so sever. The out come is the same all of us seem to suffer the same or similar symptoms.
Trying to tell others like family and friends has not worked out well for me either, they just can not understand. So when people ask how are you doing? I simply lie and say fine, ok or on some days I say really good. I have found when people ask they really do not want to know.
I started back into therapy Last month and I am to start EMDR in the near future. I was diagnosed with PTSD 1998,99 and most likely should have been many years before. I started to act out at the age of 11. I am new here also and not computer illiterate so I struggle finding my way around this web site. I here if you need to talk.
Peace be safe

 

[Neptune]

I had several several childhood traumas that only started to haunt me when I was 18. Now I am 20, I started therapy about 9 months ago. The first months were absolutely horrible emotionally, because of all that exposure and, well, talking about what had happened.
I still have some things I haven't told my therapist, but I'll get there. It's important you decide what you want to deal with first, not them -- and It is important you let them know if it's being too harsh on you, because they can prescribe you meds and/or slow down the intensity of the sessions.
In a few months I started to accept better what had happened. I still suffer pain but when I talk about it with her I don't automatically get fragile anymore. Therapy will get you stronger emotionally nearly automatically. I am not healed, but I see significant improvement on emotional management. Stay focused on treatment! What you're feeling is the release of emotions you locked up for so long.