General Newly Diagnosed Spouse Is Driving Me Insane

[spacwti]

Hello All,


My wife and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. we have a 1 year old child. i will not describe the conditions of our marriage , other than the fact that i will be separating from the service(honorably) and my wife was sent home 6 months early(to pad the nest, so to speak) As for my last 6 months, i am required to stay in the barracks on post. the room is acceptable, but not much more. our apartment back where we are from is more than decent. many undergraduates live there, along with some city workers and so forth. the furnishings are adequate by my standards and hers.


Anyway:

i am serving my last few months active duty in the armed forces. After the new education benefits were signed into law, i seriously forsaw achieving my educational goals outside of the military(whereas i was only Hoping i could get to them after i got out under the old GI Bill) and began discussing this with my wife.

I printed off a resume, and became proud of myself. i began to wonder about finances, and spoke with my wife about setting some long term and short term career goals. she agreed that she needed to improve herself, and that pursuing a career(finally) would benefit us .

Fourty five minutes after getting off the phone with my wife, i recieve another call from my sister, saying that she is driving my wife to the hospital. i ask if everything is ok, and she tells me that she recieved a hysterical phonecall from my wife, and that she took her to the doctor who signed her into the 'hospital'. she was supposed to be in said 'hospital' for 5-7 days for an evaluation.

I am of the mindset that black is black and white is white, and there is no inbetween. I have witnessed madness, and full blown mania, but i cannot buy into someone telling my wife that something is wrong with her. BUT, the is of the mindset that she can be told that she is sick. I was interrupted from work to attend a telephone conference with the psych doctor, who said my wife's current mental state was degrading because of my unvoiced opinion of mental illness. She began to get agressive with me on the telephone, accusing me of trampling my wife underfoot, and so forth. I remained calm, and at the end of the phone conference, i returned to work.

My wife was released after 5 days, and i attempted to be supportive of the doctor's diagnosis, but she began to eat at me. An unhappiness began to brew within me, that i feel physically sick. She cannot work, she cannot save money, she cannot allow me to be happy. When she is happy, i am happy but when i am happy she is unhappy. If i spend money on something to keep myself sane(shampoo, shaving supplies, occasionally alcohol from the PX, which is dirt cheap) she asks "why are you always doing such and such when i am without such and such" or "you only care about yourself. what about me? i need money for "such and such nonrealistic thing"(ie formula for our child who does not drink formula anymore, exacarbated amounts of money for diapers or shoes, etc)

i attempt to have serious discussions with her about the state of our marriage, but i always catch her when she is manic and is not of the capacity to participate. she has a debate tactic where i will begin by saying "here is what is up" followed by a number of bullets outlining what i find wanting in our relationship, and she bursts in with something. i wait to regain control of the conversation, and continue with the bullets. at the end of the conversation i ask her if she understood, to which she replies a muffled yes. i ask her to outline it for me and she comes up with an absurd explanation of what i said along the lines of "you hate me and want me to be your slave" or "you want me to work more so you can have my money".

She constantly asks me if i am 'trying to divorce her' and accuses me of cheating on her.

Overall, i am seeking guidance on what to do when one is 'sick' or is sick, and
the one who is okay is unhappy with everything in their world. i respond to my surroundings, and my workplace is awesome. i see and work with a cast of the most jovial characters i have ever met, but when i am around my wife, or talk to her on the phone, i just want to tell her "either change back to how you were before, or i will file for divorce, because i am so unhappy, i feel like i have been put to the grind stone"


respectfully,
sp

 

[becvan]

Okay before I get to the bottom quote, I would first like to ask what is her diagnosis? It's sounds more like Bi-polar, and this forum is for PTSD. However I'm not sure, so please clarify.

I have chopped up your post quite a bit, and even moved a sentence into what I consider a relevant topic just for clarity.

I am of the mindset that black is black and white is white, and there is no inbetween. I have witnessed madness, and full blown mania, but i cannot buy into someone telling my wife that something is wrong with her. BUT, the is of the mindset that she can be told that she is sick. I was interrupted from work to attend a telephone conference with the psych doctor, who said my wife's current mental state was degrading because of my unvoiced opinion of mental illness. She began to get agressive with me on the telephone, accusing me of trampling my wife underfoot, and so forth. I remained calm, and at the end of the phone conference, i returned to work.

From what you have wrote here, you are not accepting that your wife is ill, nor even willing to have an open mind about it. You speak about your wife as if she is some weakling. I'm not surprised at all with how the doctor acted towards you. It doesn't sound like your open to what is or might be wrong with her or even attempting in any way to be helpful. The world is not black and white. God forbid you be interrupted from work to help deal with your ailing wife! It is not at all unreasonable for such a call to take place, and this really implies that the only person you consider is yourself. Perhaps you should look at how you are portraying yourself here?

....she agreed that she needed to improve herself, and that pursuing a career(finally) would benefit us .

My wife was released after 5 days, and i attempted to be supportive of the doctor's diagnosis, but she began to eat at me. An unhappiness began to brew within me, that i feel physically sick. She cannot work, she cannot save money, she cannot allow me to be happy. When she is happy, i am happy but when i am happy she is unhappy. If i spend money on something to keep myself sane(shampoo, shaving supplies, occasionally alcohol from the PX, which is dirt cheap) she asks "why are you always doing such and such when i am without such and such" or "you only care about yourself. what about me? i need money for "such and such nonrealistic thing"(ie formula for our child who does not drink formula anymore, exacarbated amounts of money for diapers or shoes, etc)

Okay wait a sec here. You control the finances are are complaining that your wife needs money for YOUR CHILD. Your child deserves diapers and clothes and milk. It is your responsibility to provide it. As for the rest of it, concerning her asking for unreasonable money, it sounds like you both have some priority issues and financial control issues. It is not just her fault or just yours but both of you are equally responsible here. You could benefit with working these issues out together and meeting in the middle so you are both happy with the outcome. If you can't do it on your own, I would suggest couples therapy to help resolve communication issues.

as for that misplaced quote of yours up there.. Sounds a lot like your putting pressure on your wife to work. Pressuring someone to work that is very ill with any type of mental illness can and will make matters worse. It sounds like your trying to railroad her. My suggestion would be to lay off the subject. She was hospitalized, it's serious. Leave it alone so that she can get better.

i attempt to have serious discussions with her about the state of our marriage, but i always catch her when she is manic and is not of the capacity to participate. she has a debate tactic where i will begin by saying "here is what is up" followed by a number of bullets outlining what i find wanting in our relationship, and she bursts in with something. i wait to regain control of the conversation, and continue with the bullets. at the end of the conversation i ask her if she understood, to which she replies a muffled yes. i ask her to outline it for me and she comes up with an absurd explanation of what i said along the lines of "you hate me and want me to be your slave" or "you want me to work more so you can have my money".

Okay, that is not a discussion that is a dictatorship. Discussions work with both parties having a back and forth conversation on a topic. Not you listing off some crazy bullet point list and ignoring everything she as to say. You wonder why she thinks you don't care about her or that you want her to be her slave? Reread what you just wrote because the answer is right there! There are definite control issues going on here. The whole regain control of the conversation is just.. WOW. Why do you need control of it? Why can't you have a discussion where both has equal input and where you can find a solution together?

Overall, i am seeking guidance on what to do when one is 'sick' or is sick, and
the one who is okay is unhappy with everything in their world.

My first suggestion is to start with opening your mind about mental illness. It's obvious you don't believe she's sick to begin with. Second off start reading everything you can about what illness she has, so that you will understand it. Third off, work with your wife, not demand things from her. Make room for discussions, compromises, and changing how things are done to accommodate her where she needs it to get better. Fourth off, accept financial responsibility for paying for necessities for your child. Fifth, work with her doctors and seek advice and knowledge from them on how to cope with this illness. Finally, acknowledge that your wife and child should have just as much consideration as you give yourself.

Now this might seem like a mighty brutal reply, but I will not sugar coat it. I was frankly appalled at what I read by you. You need a swift kick because they way your going you won't be married for long!

bec

 

[Nicolette]

but when i am around my wife, or talk to her on the phone, i just want to tell her "either change back to how you were before, or i will file for divorce, because i am so unhappy, i feel like i have been put to the grind stone"

Life doesn't always turn out the way we envisage it will spactwi. What we want may not be what we get and then there are always the curve balls which come in to play.

To be totally honest, if I was your wife and read this post I would have been packed by now (instead of posting a reply) and been straight out the door.

I just wonder how you would feel if it was you who was sick and your wife was speaking about you like this? It sounds to me like you are not in your marriage for better or worse (you only want the good side of her) and from the way you speak of your wife....well, you wouldn't be my husband if you spoke to me the way you are saying you speak to her. :rolleyes:

Just a thought....do you think your attitude is helping the situation at all or perhaps you are a contributing factor to her escalating illness?

Bec, despite being straight to the point, raises a lot of valid points.

 

[Cowgirl]

First of all, I agree with what the others here have written. I have really only one thing to add.

I am of the mindset that black is black and white is white, and there is no inbetween.

Black and white thinking is not healthy, for an adult. Children go through a stage of black and white thinking, and that is normal, for children. But the adult mind should be able to see the shades of gray. The inability to see the world as other than black and white is often a symptom borderline personality disorder. It is also seen in depression, and it may be present in some other disorders.

Given the over-all unhealthy tone of your first post, it may be a good idea for you to get some counseling yourself.

Good luck to you.

~ Cowgirl

 

[blue_eyed_angel]

I just wanted to give my input on things...

She agreed that she needed to improve herself, and that pursuing a career(finally) would benefit us.

I feel by reading this that you have always been frustrated with your wife about not having a career of her own. You say that you are in the military and happy and whatnot. But looking at things from this stand point she is the mother of your child and probably the one taken care of your child while you are having your career in the military. I think that it's great that she is willing to better herself by wanting to get an education.

I am of the mindset that black is black and white is white, and there is no inbetween. I have witnessed madness, and full blown mania, but i cannot buy into someone telling my wife that something is wrong with her. BUT, the is of the mindset that she can be told that she is sick. I was interrupted from work to attend a telephone conference with the psych doctor, who said my wife's current mental state was degrading because of my unvoiced opinion of mental illness. She began to get agressive with me on the telephone, accusing me of trampling my wife underfoot, and so forth. I remained calm, and at the end of the phone conference, i returned to work.

You can't have the mindset that black is black & white is white. That's not at all the case. You seem very selfish in reading the above quote. You have to realize that now your life as you knew it before will no longer be. You seem to be in denial that anything is wrong with your wife. I don't blame the psych doctor for getting aggressive with you. You seem to be worried about you and only what you are doing. You need to give your wife support!!! It's not like she asked for this to happen to her. You not being there or being supportive my be causing her illness to be worse. You say that you were interrupted from work. Well, what's more important to you your WIFE or WORK???

My wife was released after 5 days, and i attempted to be supportive of the doctor's diagnosis.

You attempted to be supportive?? :rolleyes: Reality check.. Either you are going to support your wife through this or your not. If you physically and mentally aren't capable of handling her illness maybe she would be better off without you.

I attempt to have serious discussions with her about the state of our marriage, but i always catch her when she is manic.

If you know that she is manic then you should know that her responses are not going to be what she would normally say. You should try to approach her at a different time.

I just want to tell her "either change back to how you were before, or i will file for divorce, because i am so unhappy, i feel like i have been put to the grind stone"

Like I stated above life as you knew it before is probably not going to be in existance any longer. You feel like you have been put through the grindstone?? Imagine how your wife feels. She didn't ask for this to happen to her. I would suggest that the two of you get some sort of couples counseling. Because at the rate that you are going you are not going to be married to her very long. And I wouldn't blame her. You need to stop being selfish & realize that your wife needs you. And your child needs you. You are in the military so I know that they teach you about morals and values. Well, you need to take a good long look at what it is that you want for your life and what you want in your relationship with your wife.

But that's all I have to say..

Good Luck with your problem. I hope that you seek some sort of professional help! You really seem like you need it. :smile:

 

[Deleted member 541]

Black and white thinking is also part and parcel with PTSD also Cowgirl.


Spacwti,


I would just like to say that I feel very sorry for your wife....I can't imagine the feeling of disappointment, betrayal, and rejection she must feel being your wife. She isn't one of your buddies that have been taught to *Soldier On* or *Buck it up* She is your wife and deserves the love, compassion, and care that a husband should give.

Whether she has PTSD, Bi Polar or whatever mental illness....It's serious, and should be taken as such. If she had cancer would you expect her to just *Get on with things* as usual?????

I hope that she finds her way in all of this, gains strength, and does what is so apparent to the rest of us here.

 

[spacwti]

i apologize for coming across as unsympathetic to those who suffer from mental illness; i can only support someone for so long before i begin to feel as though they do not want to get better. it is like buying a pet bird at the store because it has a broken wing, and you feel bad for it. when you take it home, it begins to get better, only one day you find it BREAKING ITS OWN WING.

i am uncomfortable with the fact that just because i am a spouse of someone w/ a sickness, our union gets converted 'section 8', and i am trapped leasing my emotions to someone who does not return them, or at times asks too much of them. in posting my questions and situations, i was simply trying to have my doubts and concerns either verified or absolved by someone else who experiences the same as myself, not to have my character or mental health assesed(borderline personality disorder? come on, who are you to make that kind of assesment from a few paragraphs???)

if i cannot ask my wife to 'soldier on' and 'buck up' then she(and you all) in turn cannot ask me to do the same with supporting her. there is an invisible finish line where once it is crossed, i am done.

ford once said "whether you think you can, or think you cant...your always right." and i totally buy that. if you want to be sick, you will. if you want to be well, you can, with regard to mental illness.


i accept that life isnt simple and easy.. i grasp that. but if i am the only one heaving the weight around, and dancing on my tiptoes for a person who doesnt even try to understand MY fire, or my dreams or goals, then i have no patience or love for a person like that.


like i said, i simply wanted absolved or disolved my concerns/doubts on the topic, not to create a target with which to vent YOUR frustrations onto me.

respectfully
sp

 

[void]

Spacwti, (I've been married a long time and happily so)

Man to man--- You are being a soldier to your wife(de-briefing her on the status of your marriage, using command and control voice and tactics, cut and dry, ally or enemy,etc.......)

If you want and love your wife be her friend, hold her hand, give of yourself, help her!

Lastly, go find a female therapist to help you because that war traumatized you and you have to heal to be " All that you can be"

 

[xxarmywifexx]

Cheers Void :occasion:!

Spacwti,

I'm married to a to Ex-Army Vet. I can tell you that when he was away on deployment or training I wasn't in my right mind. I didn't have my better half with me. Not to mention I was in care of our child who was also one at the time and we were newly married as well. When he would call the last thing I wanted to talk about were finances. I wanted him home so he could be with me and help me. I was depressed. We had conversations on the phone very similer to the one you had to you wife. I ended up in the hospital with a nervas breakdown. It was horrible. It got so bad that my husband was sent home from training to come get me in the hospital. In the end it worked out...we were able to talk things through and figure out what "WE" needed to do as a couple to get past the rough part in our lifes.

I guess the way I look at marriage is a little different then you do. To me, being in a marriage is challenging the other person, but not to the point of making them feel like they are alone and worthless.

On the topic of your child. Your child will be the drain of most of your finances...they need diapers, food, toys and schooling eventually. If you see your wife not taking advantage of money savey ideas you need to "HELP" her. You are the parent to. I understand that you feel that child shouldn't be on formula. You are the parent to, you have a voice, but offer a solution...like WIC and then tell her to introduce the child to fruits and veggies as well. This will slow down the need for baby-formula.

Maybe this break-down your wife had was a cry for help. Maybe you need to listen and help your bride out...not act like she is attacking you. Go home, love her and tell her so. I know that is what I needed from my husband. Give it a try. Don't close the door on this marriage just yet. Please take this advice with the kindest intentions.

Your family is in my prayers.

-xxarmywifexx

 

[anthony]

Have some reputation Void... extremely well said. I am military, I used to do the same things as you Spacwti... I was wrong and I learnt that the hard way. Lots of pain, lots of hurting others in the process of my learning. Learn from others mistakes and simply accept what we know and change yourself now before its to late for your marriage.

Void said it best.

 

[Nicolette]

Have some reputation Void... extremely well said.

Yep, some reputation from me as well. Couldn't agree more!

 

[Cowgirl]

Wow, Void! Excellent post. You got right to the heart of it.