fightmyfeelings
New Here
Hi, my name is Kayla, I'm 25 & I'm new here.
Well... this could be a long story. :P Oh who am I kidding it probably will be anyways... I'm long winded.
To simplify... I started going to a therapist a week ago today. Today I had my second appointment. Last weeks appointment was 2 hours for the initial intake & today it was an hour. Over the last two sessions she had me fill out some paperwork & gone over the policies of the facility (it's a place that specifically treats people who have experienced trauma.)
We also have been doing different types of assessments, basically she sits with her laptop and reads off questions for me to answer and I answer them and often make comments. Actually the reason we have still yet to finish these assessments is because I make a lot of comments. :P We're still in this... her getting to know me phase I think. We haven't really started talking about treatment plans or anything however she is trained in DBT, which is what I'd like to do. (I have a workbook I got that I've been working on on my own.)
Anyways, so... in order for my insurance to pay for the therapy, I have to have an Axis I diagnosis. So... I knew I'd be getting diagnosed with something today. It's been my belief for... well nearly 8 years though it's been on my mind a lot in the last 3-4 months that I suffer from borderline personality disorder. In my opinion I meet... between 7 and 9 of the criteria from the DSM. When I read things online about the experiences of people with BPD it matches my experience SO well... though maybe to a lesser extent for me? I mean... the extreme feelings and intense fear of abandonment I have. But, the impulsive and self destructive behavior are not especially strong for me? My therapist and I talked about how I suspected I had BPD. She was very validating which was nice, but she didn't seem to think my symptoms were quite severe enough for that diagnosis.
She told me instead that she thought I had PTSD possibly, and asked me if I had flashbacks. I don't really have flashbacks exactly... but there are things that... trigger something inside? The example I gave is that... I'm a VERY heavy sleeper. I do have trouble falling asleep but for the most part.. when I'm out I'm out. I witnessed domestic violence from the time I was 12 until when I was 20. (Well I moved out for college at 18 but was still home for summers and such.) My mom was in an abusive (physically, verbally/emotionally) relationship, and her boyfriend lived with us during that time. Her boyfriend also verbally/emotionally abused my sister and I. I also felt very neglected and abandoned by my mother because she's very... spacey and only really thinks of herself. My father passed away when I was 8 fairly suddenly. (More abandonment issues.) Her now ex boyfriend used to always wear this really heavy work boots. He would stomp around the house and slam doors every morning and wake me up. Or he'd come home really late all drunk/high and stomp around. Now, if my mom or sister are wearing boots and I hear it or are just.... especially loud when walking around I sometimes wake up and... feel the way I did then? Like the anxiety I felt when I would hear him walking/stumbling around comes back. So, I was diagnosed with PTSD. She (my therapist) said we could do a checklist for BPD if I'd like to.
I'm kind of disappointed to be honest... even though I hadn't been diagnosed with it I kind of identified myself as having BPD? I never really thought I had PTSD. I think I associated it with people who have been raped or molested etc. I have been through some rough things but I guess I've just always thought well there are people who have gone through way worse, you're not "on the same level" as them. I guess that's part of the reason it has taken me so long to seek out therapy though... not feeling like I was "sick enough." But, at the same time... the diagnosis still is... comforting? Having some kind of reason for the anxiety and the depression and.... everything.
So, that's where I'm at I guess.... I told my mother and sister (I live with them) and they kind of made it a joke. It hurts a little but I guess I didn't really help since I tend to make jokes out of everything... because if I didn't laugh about it I'd be crying all the time.
Well... this could be a long story. :P Oh who am I kidding it probably will be anyways... I'm long winded.
To simplify... I started going to a therapist a week ago today. Today I had my second appointment. Last weeks appointment was 2 hours for the initial intake & today it was an hour. Over the last two sessions she had me fill out some paperwork & gone over the policies of the facility (it's a place that specifically treats people who have experienced trauma.)
We also have been doing different types of assessments, basically she sits with her laptop and reads off questions for me to answer and I answer them and often make comments. Actually the reason we have still yet to finish these assessments is because I make a lot of comments. :P We're still in this... her getting to know me phase I think. We haven't really started talking about treatment plans or anything however she is trained in DBT, which is what I'd like to do. (I have a workbook I got that I've been working on on my own.)
Anyways, so... in order for my insurance to pay for the therapy, I have to have an Axis I diagnosis. So... I knew I'd be getting diagnosed with something today. It's been my belief for... well nearly 8 years though it's been on my mind a lot in the last 3-4 months that I suffer from borderline personality disorder. In my opinion I meet... between 7 and 9 of the criteria from the DSM. When I read things online about the experiences of people with BPD it matches my experience SO well... though maybe to a lesser extent for me? I mean... the extreme feelings and intense fear of abandonment I have. But, the impulsive and self destructive behavior are not especially strong for me? My therapist and I talked about how I suspected I had BPD. She was very validating which was nice, but she didn't seem to think my symptoms were quite severe enough for that diagnosis.
She told me instead that she thought I had PTSD possibly, and asked me if I had flashbacks. I don't really have flashbacks exactly... but there are things that... trigger something inside? The example I gave is that... I'm a VERY heavy sleeper. I do have trouble falling asleep but for the most part.. when I'm out I'm out. I witnessed domestic violence from the time I was 12 until when I was 20. (Well I moved out for college at 18 but was still home for summers and such.) My mom was in an abusive (physically, verbally/emotionally) relationship, and her boyfriend lived with us during that time. Her boyfriend also verbally/emotionally abused my sister and I. I also felt very neglected and abandoned by my mother because she's very... spacey and only really thinks of herself. My father passed away when I was 8 fairly suddenly. (More abandonment issues.) Her now ex boyfriend used to always wear this really heavy work boots. He would stomp around the house and slam doors every morning and wake me up. Or he'd come home really late all drunk/high and stomp around. Now, if my mom or sister are wearing boots and I hear it or are just.... especially loud when walking around I sometimes wake up and... feel the way I did then? Like the anxiety I felt when I would hear him walking/stumbling around comes back. So, I was diagnosed with PTSD. She (my therapist) said we could do a checklist for BPD if I'd like to.
I'm kind of disappointed to be honest... even though I hadn't been diagnosed with it I kind of identified myself as having BPD? I never really thought I had PTSD. I think I associated it with people who have been raped or molested etc. I have been through some rough things but I guess I've just always thought well there are people who have gone through way worse, you're not "on the same level" as them. I guess that's part of the reason it has taken me so long to seek out therapy though... not feeling like I was "sick enough." But, at the same time... the diagnosis still is... comforting? Having some kind of reason for the anxiety and the depression and.... everything.
So, that's where I'm at I guess.... I told my mother and sister (I live with them) and they kind of made it a joke. It hurts a little but I guess I didn't really help since I tend to make jokes out of everything... because if I didn't laugh about it I'd be crying all the time.
