I have recently been diagnosed with complex PTSD. When PTSD first came up as a possibility, I had no idea that complex ptsd existed. After speaking with my Dr and opening up about childhood sexual abuse, severe bullying, witnessing a horrific car crash, in which my older brother almost died, and most recently, spousal abuse, I got the diagnosis of complex ptsd.
I've always been a very private person so, I don't open up about anything. That being said, here's my story, in as little detail as possible. If you have questions or need clarification, feel free to ask and I will do my best to answer.
When I was 11, I was molested by my older brother. It went on for several months before I was able to say something. It was "dealt with" by my parents. I don't know what they did or said but, the abuse stopped and that was top priority at the time. I never went to counselling for it and taught myself how to 'tuck it away', so to speak. We obviously had a very strained relationship going forward, which leads me to the next major event, my brothers car accident.
When I was 15, my family; mom, dad, older brother, his girlfriend, younger sister and I, went on a vacation to New Brunswick and Nova Scotia. We drove 2 vehicles and had 4 drivers. My mom, dad, brother and his girlfriend split the driving. On the last day before we headed home, we went to Peggys Cove. When we left, my brother was driving 1 vehicle, with his girlfriend as a passenger. He had a seizure at the wheel and ended up driving in a bay. I was the only person who witnessed the entire accident. Despite our rough past, I was devestated. Nobody thought they survived. It took over a year to get the sights and sounds out of my head. This is when I started having episodes of dissociation.
Fast forward 10 years, I was a newlywed. We had 1 child, 18 months old and I was in first trimester with our 2nd. My husband didn't show any signs of abusive behaviour prior to getting married but, a month or so after our wedding, he started controlling me, alienating my friends and convincing our neighbours that I was "crazy". That was followed by verbal and emotional abuse, which eventually escalated into physical altercations. I had called the police several times, to no avail. When I was 19 weeks pregnant, my husband pushed me into a bookshelf hard enough to knock things off. Having been failed by the police, defending myself was my only option. My husband then lied to the police, which was backed up by our neighbours and I was arrested. I spent a short amount of time in jail and was released into my parents custody. Children's services allowed me full custody of our 18 month old. A long process ensued, involving counselling, a mental health case worker and children's services involvement. I maintained contact with my husband, for the sake of our son, on the condition that he attend a program for abusive men. He continued his abusive behaviours and I was forced to cut contact, or have my son removed. This was the most damaging experience. Since this all happened, my husband has successfully completed a program and we have been back together without incident for 2 years. I am always prepared to leave and have an emergency plan in place.
The spousal abuse has been the most damaging. I have countless triggers and that's what I struggle with. My husband and youngest son are my biggest triggers. Every time I look at them I panic. I have flashbacks daily and with each flashback, I want to die. I am NOT suicidal. I do NOT want to kill myself. I just wouldn't fight to survive, if I had to. I know how far my husband has come, in order to continue our relationship, and I have come a long way as well. I just don't know how to continue living with someone who triggers me. Our anniversary is coming up, which also means it will be the time of year that all of this happened.
I still have flashbacks of the sexual abuse, bullying and car crash, as well as the spousal abuse. The incidents range from 15 years ago to 2 years ago.
Being freshly diagnosed, and having no success with many, many different anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications in the past, my Dr has prescribed medicinal marijuana until we can find something else that helps. It's not a long term fix but, it helps lessen the flashbacks and elevates my mood, when necessary. After living with all of this, and self medicating in a very harmful way, I'm glad to have something that eases the flashbacks for a couple hours. After everything, I was glad for some relief, no matter how short lived. It gives me time to arrange my thoughts in a calm way, without panicking or getting lost in flashbacks.
I've always been a very private person so, I don't open up about anything. That being said, here's my story, in as little detail as possible. If you have questions or need clarification, feel free to ask and I will do my best to answer.
When I was 11, I was molested by my older brother. It went on for several months before I was able to say something. It was "dealt with" by my parents. I don't know what they did or said but, the abuse stopped and that was top priority at the time. I never went to counselling for it and taught myself how to 'tuck it away', so to speak. We obviously had a very strained relationship going forward, which leads me to the next major event, my brothers car accident.
When I was 15, my family; mom, dad, older brother, his girlfriend, younger sister and I, went on a vacation to New Brunswick and Nova Scotia. We drove 2 vehicles and had 4 drivers. My mom, dad, brother and his girlfriend split the driving. On the last day before we headed home, we went to Peggys Cove. When we left, my brother was driving 1 vehicle, with his girlfriend as a passenger. He had a seizure at the wheel and ended up driving in a bay. I was the only person who witnessed the entire accident. Despite our rough past, I was devestated. Nobody thought they survived. It took over a year to get the sights and sounds out of my head. This is when I started having episodes of dissociation.
Fast forward 10 years, I was a newlywed. We had 1 child, 18 months old and I was in first trimester with our 2nd. My husband didn't show any signs of abusive behaviour prior to getting married but, a month or so after our wedding, he started controlling me, alienating my friends and convincing our neighbours that I was "crazy". That was followed by verbal and emotional abuse, which eventually escalated into physical altercations. I had called the police several times, to no avail. When I was 19 weeks pregnant, my husband pushed me into a bookshelf hard enough to knock things off. Having been failed by the police, defending myself was my only option. My husband then lied to the police, which was backed up by our neighbours and I was arrested. I spent a short amount of time in jail and was released into my parents custody. Children's services allowed me full custody of our 18 month old. A long process ensued, involving counselling, a mental health case worker and children's services involvement. I maintained contact with my husband, for the sake of our son, on the condition that he attend a program for abusive men. He continued his abusive behaviours and I was forced to cut contact, or have my son removed. This was the most damaging experience. Since this all happened, my husband has successfully completed a program and we have been back together without incident for 2 years. I am always prepared to leave and have an emergency plan in place.
The spousal abuse has been the most damaging. I have countless triggers and that's what I struggle with. My husband and youngest son are my biggest triggers. Every time I look at them I panic. I have flashbacks daily and with each flashback, I want to die. I am NOT suicidal. I do NOT want to kill myself. I just wouldn't fight to survive, if I had to. I know how far my husband has come, in order to continue our relationship, and I have come a long way as well. I just don't know how to continue living with someone who triggers me. Our anniversary is coming up, which also means it will be the time of year that all of this happened.
I still have flashbacks of the sexual abuse, bullying and car crash, as well as the spousal abuse. The incidents range from 15 years ago to 2 years ago.
Being freshly diagnosed, and having no success with many, many different anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications in the past, my Dr has prescribed medicinal marijuana until we can find something else that helps. It's not a long term fix but, it helps lessen the flashbacks and elevates my mood, when necessary. After living with all of this, and self medicating in a very harmful way, I'm glad to have something that eases the flashbacks for a couple hours. After everything, I was glad for some relief, no matter how short lived. It gives me time to arrange my thoughts in a calm way, without panicking or getting lost in flashbacks.
