Relationship Newly Engaged

[BehindBlueEyes]

Hi everyone, My fiancé and I met while he was in Afghanistan and we quickly formed a very strong bond. He went through a lot of rough stuff while he was there and I went through it with him in a way because we communicated and skyped often. There were several times that his immediate area was hit with rockets while I was skyping with him. I have had my share of bad relationships,and so has he but we fell so deeply in love and knew after a very short time that this was a relationship like no other

He came home from Afghanistan and has been having nightmares, cant sleep and having anxiety attacks. He is a solitary person by nature and this makes the isolation times all that much harder to get through. When he feels overwhelmed he shuts down and in the process kind of turns off his emotion to me. I know he loves me and never does this on purpose. He has been unable to get any treatment thus far but is interested in getting some therapy to help with the nightmares and so on. He apologizes for isolating me and being impatient with me. The most hurtful part of this all is I would expect this to be the happiest time in our relationship seeing as how we are recently engaged, but it seems like we have been arguing and miscommunicating more often since then. I want to be excited about our furture, I want to plan a wedding, and decide where we will live and all that stuff you dream of from childhood. But right now there is no stability as far as his treatment, and all of the future hangs in the balance due to that. I try to be patient but I am so heartbroken that we seem to be constantly fighting and I just want the bond and relationship that we had before the PTSD. I want the conversations where we laugh, and he is happy and smiling. I want to be that giddy girl who is engaged to the love of her life, but instead I am in limbo and feel like because of everything he has going on he cant focus on anything but that right now, and that makes me feel very alone. I know the PTSD is something he would change in an instant if he could, but I cant help but feel like I, the wedding, and our future are put on the back burner for now.

And due to my feeling lonely and forgotten in a way, it has caused me to hold resentment to him and had a few meltdowns where I take it out on him. I know this isn't what he needs, but I am confused by where the line is drawn for what I need as well ? I don't feel like I should be completely selfless and put my feelings aside, but I also don't want to overwhelm him or give him anymore stress than he already is going through.

 

[Tony93720]

I can relate to your position. I have been in a relationship with the woman of my dreams for a year and half. She mentioned she had PTSD but only recently has it been triggered. She has isolated herself and speaks to me briefly if at all. My first reaction was anger. However, after truly learning about this disorder I know the person she has become is not her, the real person is inside struggling to get out. I had to make a decision whether to stay or go. Stability is what she needs and if I can't take it I need to leave rather than give her a false sense of security that I will be there. It didn't take long to decide I'm in for the long haul. The love we shared prior to this trigger is worth the hardships. This site is filled with supportive people who can help you find your way. You don't have to decide what your going to do right away, just take it day by day and don't make any promises you can't keep. Ultimately you have to pull yourself together. Support your fiancé on this journey and continue to remind him you are there for him while providing opportunities for him to connect with you. Believe in him because the person he was still exists. Be patient and keep reaching out. Most importantly don't rush him and give him space. I'm sure he is doing his best. I am still fighting the same battle your fighting so if you need a friend to share with feel free to contact me. I will be praying for you. Tony

 

[Chris516]

BBE, This may not make sense. But, The length of his tour of duty, steadily shifted the 'emotional need' balance from 50-50, to practically 100-0. Yet, You are still in the 50-50 mindset. It has to be brought back to 50-50, from 100-0. But, He is a military veteran, so getting back to 50-50, will be much harder. Can you accept the imbalance, for what could be the rest of your life?

 

[BehindBlueEyes]

Thank you tony for the kind and encouraging words.

Also to Chris, I know through my research and from stories here that I will need to be the compromising one through his healing, but this is hard for me to do at times. In my past I've been through bad relationships that I always compromised on my feelings, and initially coming into this I felt as if I could express any of my deepest feelings to him and it is hard to adjust back to the keeping it to myself. I struggle with the idea of being 100% supportive to the man who has my heart, but also feeling as if my needs and emotions deserve to be addressed and heard as well. I love this man and would do anything for him, I know he needs me most right now but it's hard to suppress all of the hurt or questions that I have in order to help him heal.

 

[Chris516]

BBE, Compromise is not an absolute. Yes it is tough. I was thinking compromise, not so you would have to bend over backwards in compromise, but so you both could help each other.