Relationship Newly married to former combat marine

[dulcia]

Mind you, all these things I talk about my guy doing? His PTSD is unmanaged -- meaning he doesn't take his medication regularly, he doesn't fully participate in therapy, he's not actively working on managing his triggers/reactions, and he's not utilizing good coping skills. Managed PTSD can look a lot different. But personally, I don't think his PTSD will be able to be managed in y'all's household as you describe it at this moment. Maybe once things are more regulated.

Yeah, unfortunately in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer (and a combat vet at that?) you're going to have to play the adult 9 times out of 10. 10 times out of 10 if he's unmanaged or not in treatment.

 

[whattodowithhim]

I'm reading. Processing

 

[dulcia]

No prob, I know I wrote a lot lol. You seem like you're reeling from it all right now anyway.

 

[Justmehere]

Like any abusive man, if they can control it at work, they can control it. Period. They choose not to with us.

He is responsible for his behavior but it's not quite as simple as sometimes he chooses to control it and sometimes he just simply chooses to not control it. It's more like... if you take a can of carbonated water and it gets shaken up so much, eventually it's gonna blow. He is absolutely responsible for his behavior when it blows. His can is getting shaken, and he's not yet able to manage to keep it from blowing. He needs to get some help to lean how to manage his stress levels long before it spills over into an angry outburst.

Or here is another example that might help explain why symptoms or angry outbursts happen when they do: The Ptsd Cup Explanation

Eventually all the stress from his day at work fills up...and when he gets home, it overflows. And at home, he probably faces less consequences than he does at work....

It's also common for sufferers to be able to hold it together with coworkers or acquaintances, but not so much with loved ones. He may also be having more problems at work than he lets on. My own father was well known for raging at work, but managed to keep his job because he was so good at what he did for a living.

It's good to reject your husband's attempts to blame you for your father's choices - but instead of trying to hammer into him that's it's his fault, I'd rephrase this as it's your fathers choice to set boundaries with behavior he finds unacceptable. Encourage him that if your husband wants to keep relationships he needs to work on his anger management, get into therapy, etc - not for him to continue to blame everyone else around him.

I can really relate to that sense that the time to have kids is closing or closed, and there is tremendous grief and loss in this. That alone is good cause to seek out counseling and support for you - as you are doing. This is hard stuff to deal with. :hug:

 

[whattodowithhim]

He had anger before combat, from what he tells me. Look, I'm all about support but f$&! me, make an effort, you know! I'm wanting to smash his face in but I don't. I sit, I speak like a mouse. Soft, calm. I've had trauma too. It takes work and self awareness to see that our actions are hurting others and alter them.

I've read before about abusive men not being calm with partners because they don't see the point, meaning, they can get away with it. He can't act like that and keep a job. We become their punching bag. That's why I was trying to say.

When he's at work, telling himself stay calm, I need this car deal, why not say, around me, stay calm, be nice to wife, I don't want to hurt her.

It's not that frigging outrageous a proposition.

He wants respect but talks down to me. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Sigh. I don't have the answers. Well, I do. The solution is so so so easy. But again, he has to check the ego and see it.

I don't want him if he costs me a family, honestly, I will hate him. Deeply. That's as real as I can be. He is so aware of the time line yet acting like this regardless. It's beyond selfish.

You're right. At home less consequences. Well, let's just see about that. Every time it happens I raise holy hell. For days. Either ignoring or crying or going on about it. Can't help it. It's got me traumatized. Reeling. My life is empty, I'm terrified of no family. I'll say it again, almost no friends, foreign country, no close relatives. I miss home, I miss my orphans in Africa, how can he be so selfish. If you could see, I've been blamed time and again by males for their outbursts and it is so so so so old. I don't respect such behavior.

 

[dulcia]

I don't want him if he costs me a family

Do both of y'all a favor and leave now, then.

Well, let's just see about that. Every time it happens I raise holy hell. For days. Either ignoring or crying or going on about it. Can't help it. It's got me traumatized.

He's traumatizing you and I can't see how he's going to be successful in treatment while he's in a relationship like you've described. So again, leave.

 

[whattodowithhim]

Damn I wish I could edit posts but I can't so I have to post again. I should say, overall things are good. He's not home much, works a lot. If he gets in therapy, the child could still happen. We have his son living with us. He's a good dad.

If he gets in treatment and starts acccepting some blame I can work with him

 

[dulcia]

If he gets in treatment and starts acccepting some blame I can work with him

So, you don't have any flaws in this relationship at all?

This isn't intended to be a victim blaming statement. Whenever I post here and am ranting and raving, I am always throwing in some of the shit I've done to contribute to the situation, while bitching about my vet and his bad behavior. Probably especially because I have (as your comments make it sound like you also have) been in an abusive relationship, so there's still some of that leftover tendency to diminish. Are you just really good at handling your shit?

 

[whattodowithhim]

Sighhhggggbh, I've been in therapy for YEARS, made every change he asked of me, and then some. Mostly I end up apologizing and taking blame.

 

[Justmehere]

My own father would hold it together much better for others and then take it out in us, and we were expected to tip toe around and never set him off.

Your husband may not see the solution for his anger... and again, you'll never be able to control him, but you can control you. Only you. This is key. If you keep all your focus on trying to control him, you both will end up resenting each other.

You can change your experiences though, no matter what he chooses to do, by setting boundaries with what you will and will not tolerate. Don't react to him. Respond by holding boundaries above what you will do in response to his angry outbursts.

Again, this is not just sitting back and taking it or just simply saying how you feel and asking for what you need. This isn't being meek -- nor is it shaming and blaming or reacting back in anger. It's not the path of raising "holy hell." - this is well meaning, and I get it, I'd be fed up and want to raise holy hell too... but it's not leading to the results and changes you need and want in your life. It can actually inadvertently fuel the dysregulation on both sides too.

Boundaries are about choosing to control ourselves. It's making it clear that if he rages, you are walking away from the interaction until he is calmer.... and then doing that. Again again. And leaving it up to him to choose to calm down or not. When someone has done this to me, walked away saying they will engage only when I'm calm, when I was really upset, it helped me make the right choices and calm down much more than anything else could have. Much more effective and helpful than if they had raised hell back. When they walked away until I was calmer, it left me with the reality that if I continued to get so upset, I wouldn't get the interaction I wanted.

Boundaries are something that take courage, and strength, but I think you've got that. It also may take some help to learn how to do it.

You are smart to wait on having kids and I don't know if you should stay with him or not. Seems like you both planned on having a family together, but this unexpected uptick in his angry outbursts is delaying that. It's clearly not going to work for you if things are as they are now. There are some new ways to handle this that you could try. Getting some help and counseling for you before making the huge decision to give up and get a divorce a good idea.

I also think you have some work to do on the pain from the past - you've been through so much. But I think you know this too. Don't hold him responsible for every asshole who has hurt you. He is responsible for his behavior though. Be responsible for you and your boundaries here and now, and give him back all the responsibility for him and his behavior too.

 

[Deanna]

He's running on no sleep, your relationship has little time and he can't say anything at work about anything. Therefore, you get it. It doen't mean he's PTSD.

I don't know why you being 40 with no babies is an issue. This could be a trigger for him like he is trapped. ( anger could stem from entrapment) Sperm donors are everywhere and the real issue touch and go after 44 years old for pregnancy. I can be a hard-ass too but I really don't need to be and I take a lot of medication to not be that way. I still work... full blown PTSD.

 

[Sighs]

I can understand why being 40 without children is an issue for the OP. She feels like this guy is her last chance for a baby within a family unit which is what she wants. And now his anger issues have come up and she is wondering if her last chance is slipping away. No wonder she is frustrated and upset.

BUT - as the child of a combat vet my advice would be not to bring a child into this situation. If that means leaving him and having a child on your own, well that might be better for the child than being brought up in a world of unpredictable rage from Dad and anger from Mum.