nihilistic spiral starting, no point in living

[Strangelongtrip]

This is just an existential rant. I feel like I've worked through most of my trauma, although I still have occasional symptoms I can manage them, and am just trying to construct a new life from here in out. A new school semester is starting, I'm moving soon (but we don't know where and we don't know when....isn't that a song?), and I have to do a bunch of things that scare me to advance my hopeful career as a writer, but we'll see how that goes. I've also had two family members have scary health events happen but they are both okay now and I'm not as concerned.

I've been spiraling a lot lately, like I don't know if it's PTSD related depression or just general existential anxiety and depression, but I don't really see a point in doing all of this. This being life. Like, we just do a bunch of random meaningless stuff and we die. Everyone suffers, we do a few things and then we die. There's no point to any of this. We can make a purpose to alleviate suffering, but I also either think I'm not a good enough person to care about that, or I'm depressed and don't think it matters.

I've found a purpose, sort of, I guess. I love writing. I love stories, and the stories I write have what passes as meaning (I'm being mean to myself here). They show growth, healing etc. things I've experienced and want people to hope for despite whatever they've been through. They're also just escapism for a few hours. I want this to be my career but even the "best" writers have had to work a day job. It's not a lucrative business until years into publishing, unless you make something that just catches fire. The prospect of graduating and have to work in the business field I'm studying makes me almost suicidal. Thinking about graduating and having to go out into the world and get a "real" job makes me want to die, or at the very least cut myself.

I feel like such a whiny baby for saying that. It's not that I don't enjoy business, I've created a business out of what I love before (and it's paying for my college). I have a business plan for a business that could complement my writing "career" as well. I just feel like nothing good is going to happen for some reason, like that I can't do this. Like I can't life. I don't see a point to living. It's come on so suddenly, I don't know if there was a trigger or a situational thing or what. I just feel so hopeless and helpless. I know I have the power but I'm so tired of taking care of myself all the time. I wish I had someone who could take care of me.

I also think the only thing that matters in my stupid life is my work, my writing, or my job, because I have no intention of having kids unless I can foster kids/adopt (but tbh I don't understand children, I didn't even understand them when I was one and I always felt isolated) and it's so rare it's nearly impossible that I find someone I want to marry. Even my best friends, who I love dearly, I wouldn't put up with to date. I haven't met anyone who wants to date me, either. My therapist says it's because I've advanced in ways past people, but it's lonely.

Every person I've met in the past two years of dating I either disliked or they ghosted me if I liked them. It's like, what else is there? Work, relationships, travel maybe. Travel is dumb too, to me. People are the same everywhere in the world, what're you going to learn? I'd like to travel and I had this big plan but it's like something else has taken over me because I have no interest in that either. Like those words aren't my words. Volunteering? I used to do that and it made me feel good. I just don't want to put myself out there anymore because I keep getting rejected when I put myself out there (which I'm going to have to do to get published, and I'm dreading that too. I highly doubt anyone is going to buy my dumb stories). I've been rejected over and over or ghosted or ignored. I'm so tired of it. I used to fit the diagnostic criteria for BPD, I no longer do but some part of me still feels like I'm being abandoned with all of this rejection. It's just that I don't care anymore. I don't care about anyone, really. It's like, I've become independent to the point I want to not need anyone.

I've become a hardcore nihilist and I'm tired of it. I don't see a point in any of this. I don't know if anyone has insight but thank you for reading!

 

[Ronin]

That, right there.

Changing every piece of the nihilism, while no f*cks are given, is one of the most hardcore things one can do.

All of the switches off is easy.
Back on, and understanding how much is attitude, exhaustion, recent issues, just mindset changes, depression and the like, numbed out other strong emotions, lost emotions, still care but not the same form, and so on... that takes time.

That and you had helluva stressors lately...
Don't assume this is a permanent state instead of just other reaction.

Also, maybe don't label everything you do as dumb and let the joy and passion and lights return to it.

I don't accept life is meaningless on a principle. ;) Not being able or willing to see the meaning, or seeing it in other corners, is not yet a reason to assume there is no meaning.

Also? If there ain't a meaning, create one.
If you can't create it, look until you find it somewhere.
If you can't find it, look for where you can.
If it ain't there? Still live to the fullest, without it.

Ain't giving up so easy.

 

[ladee]

I have assigned a different meaning to life at different stages.

I feel that when I finally hit maintenance, I was unconsciously bored! Found myself creating a few little mini-crisis just to feel something familiar. Had a few meteor hits that sent me to the rabbit hole, came out of it so quick I was bored again. Not realizing that restlessness I was feeling was boredom.

What got my attention was one day being at the farm and just watching the animals. How simple their lives are. They just do what they were created for. Sometimes that was simply resting in the sun. Taking care of their babies. And how each had their own personality.

Watching my dog interacting with them. Walking under and between the legs of the horse. Seeing the 2,000-pound bull stick his huge nose under her belly and scooping her out of his way. The look on her face!!

My point being, after so many many years of going full tilt boogie with healing work, and things calmed down, I felt a 'loss'.

So, for me, loving my solitude. Feeling peace. Feeling connected to the larger world thru animals and nature. Trying new art projects. I didn't spend that much time to end up wondering what the purpose was.

I had to get used to the 'quiet' in my head.

There is always meaning to life, even if it's simply opening a door for someone whose hands are full. Or smiling at someone. Things like that. It's just so simple we don't understand it. Not until we give ourselves permission to live it differently.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

I'm coming back a bit out of crisis, more reflective. thank you both.

All of the switches off is easy.
Back on, and understanding how much is attitude, exhaustion, recent issues, just mindset changes, depression and the like, numbed out other strong emotions, lost emotions, still care but not the same form, and so on... that takes time.

I definitely am adjusting from caring "too much" ei disproportionate reactions to things to caring little because I feel like I can't do anything. My friend called it compassion fatigue. I used to care so much but it didn't do much to make the world a better place. I just think maybe shifting it to doing small things that are kind could help.

Also? If there ain't a meaning, create one.
If you can't create it, look until you find it somewhere.
If you can't find it, look for where you can.
If it ain't there? Still live to the fullest, without it.

This is beautiful, thank you.

I feel that when I finally hit maintenance, I was unconsciously bored! Found myself creating a few little mini-crisis just to feel something familiar. Had a few meteor hits that sent me to the rabbit hole, came out of it so quick I was bored again. Not realizing that restlessness I was feeling was boredom.

I think this is exactly what I'm feeling. I've spent the past 22 years of my life in survival mode. I used to dread the holidays because I would fall into a pit of despair and hated socializing with my family. I at times used unhealthy coping mechanisms just to get through. This year was different. It feels good, but weird. Boring. Even my family members almost dying, I handled that fine. They're fine now. Boredom describes it so well.

I will do things to push at my boredom, like I travelled this holiday, but it still wasn't the same thrill I used to get from disordered behavior. I felt at peace and calm and secure in a city of 8 million people. I only got stressed about going to clubs, because I've been assaulted in them so we just...didn't go. I don't even enjoy clubs anymore unless they're gay clubs haha (I'm a gay woman) and there's not a lot of good lesbian bars out there!

I'm definitely creating mini crises. I think I'm also terrified because I know what I want to do with my life, know the steps to get there, and have all the cards in my hand. Life is no longer something dictated by my mental illness, I can choose my life and have "come into my power" as my therapist so lovingly says lol. It's all hard work from here in out to make a dream happen. I want to put myself in this helpless mindset because it's more terrifying that I'm in control than that nothing matters.

And really, I don't hate business stuff. I think it's interesting and the field I'm entering is storytelling for businesses. I often get inspired for stories reading things outside of my usual interests like advertising etc, so it could be a good thing to do something outside of my passion for work.

My point being, after so many many years of going full tilt boogie with healing work, and things calmed down, I felt a 'loss'.

So, for me, loving my solitude. Feeling peace. Feeling connected to the larger world thru animals and nature. Trying new art projects. I didn't spend that much time to end up wondering what the purpose was.

I had to get used to the 'quiet' in my head.

There is always meaning to life, even if it's simply opening a door for someone whose hands are full. Or smiling at someone. Things like that. It's just so simple we don't understand it. Not until we give ourselves permission to live it differently.

It does feel like a loss. So much of my life was focused on healing for so long. I took off nearly a year from college to just focus on healing, because I desperately needed to and I knew it was worth it. I know I have all the skills to make the life I want. It just seems so meaningless without that struggle. I can go days without feeling anxiety. It feels sort of numb when that was my whole world.

You made me want to get horseback riding again!! I find comfort in animals as well. My current business is entirely about animals! They just have a simple wisdom and peace I admire. I always found them better friends than people as a child haha. I found a lot of peace training retired racehorses, I worked as a working student in my teens. Some of them came in with a lot of fear, mistrust, and habits to break. I loved the process of teaching them to trust again, teaching them to feel safe. I think that'd be a good place to start again, it's just so expensive. That could be a goal though!!

Thank you ?

 

[ladee]

@Strangelongtrip , I'm glad it helped!! When I read your post, it feels a lot like what I go thru now, but less often.

Who knew after all the gut-wrenching work we have done we would end up feeling bored and restless. Just finding our new normal.

I really hope you get involved with horses again. One of my best friends is Boy, an 18 yr old horse that just needed some love and attention. It's mutual love with that guy. He has provided me with something that has been healthy and shown me, love, in a different light. And I do love him too.

Let us know how you are doing. Well wishes and heart hugs for a kindred spirit in this thing called Life.

 

[pam4him]

It sounds like you hit a rough patch. PTSD, depression, anxiety, I'm not sure anyone can ever really be "cured" permanently. It has been for me more like slow growth in learning how to better cope with them. Like the episodes get shorter, something snaps me out of it, and I find another purpose for being and so forth. Life is about cycles - hours, days, weeks, months, seasons, years, birth - life-death, repeat. For me it's been more about finding a focal point and pushing towards it. The moving and new semester are high on the life stressors list and could be feeding your emotions a little more than usual. But it also sounds like you've got great aspirations. Try to follow through with the writing, and if a job is necessary, okay, find a job. I think you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. It's okay to have hard days, and it seems you've found ways to pull yourself up and keep going. You got this!! Prayers for continued strength and peace.

 

[Deanna]

I don't know if it's PTSD related depression or just general existential anxiety and depression, but I don't really see a point in doing all of this. This being life. Like, we just do a bunch of random meaningless stuff and we die.

You're forgetting one thing. The point is we are BORN. We don't really have a choice but to live from that standpoint. We humans are a species. We eat, sleep, get sick ( depending on the sickness, to what degree) need to be entertained or be the entertainer, need shelter and are a social species. That means we have to have other humans in, or around us. We're born selfish and we die selfless.

 

[Deanna]

I have no intention of having kids unless I can foster kids/adopt (but tbh I don't understand children, I didn't even understand them when I was one and I always felt isolated

See.. You said the same thing I said.. Right here. We want you as a writer.. Because we are selfish and want you to stick around with us! Don't give up! ( that's the easy part) the hard part is making your dreams come true! Make us happy! Lol! (You write beautifully and got me in to creative writing somehow, and I'm not a writer!) Tomorrow will be diffferent, you'll see!

 

[Friday]

Something I’ve learned...

When I don’t see the point? It doesn’t mean there isn’t one. It just means I can’t see it.

Wait for it or work for it. 1 of the 2.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you all ? I've been doing better, still episodic periods of nihilism, but I'm just trying to ignore them and live my life in a way I enjoy. I've actually gotten okay at resting as well and just doing things I enjoy for fun! It's a work in process. I'm also trying to work on compassion for myself and others. Because I feel like I just have a hard place in my heart for loving my past self. Random side facts haha.

Like the episodes get shorter, something snaps me out of it, and I find another purpose for being and so forth. Life is about cycles - hours, days, weeks, months, seasons, years, birth - life-death, repeat.

I feel like we're given this image of life that it's states of constants. It's nothing like that but I feel like learning that is a process too. I'm learning to ride the waves but reach out when I need to. I think that's part of the struggling with compassion for myself. Sometimes I think I only deserve it when I'm on an up swing.

I think you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. It's okay to have hard days, and it seems you've found ways to pull yourself up and keep going. You got this!! Prayers for continued strength and peace.

Thank you!!

We want you as a writer.. Because we are selfish and want you to stick around with us! Don't give up! ( that's the easy part) the hard part is making your dreams come true! Make us happy! Lol! (You write beautifully and got me in to creative writing somehow, and I'm not a writer!) Tomorrow will be diffferent, you'll see!

Thank you Deanna!! You made my day. I feel a little better today, and I talked to my therapist about what I was putting out there too, the fear of failure. What if I succeeded? And only thought I was going to eventually succeed? Then I'll stick with it!

When I don’t see the point? It doesn’t mean there isn’t one. It just means I can’t see it.

Wait for it or work for it. 1 of the 2.

I love that phrase. Wait for it or work for it. I think I've done both but I'm in a work for it mood lately. I feel empowered, even if I can't see where all this is going.

 

[ladee]

Happy to hear you are feeling and doing better. The downtimes always pass. And we learn something about ourselves every single time. Heart hugs

 

[Friday]

I love that phrase. Wait for it or work for it. I think I've done both but I'm in a work for it mood lately. I feel empowered, even if I can't see where all this is going

Yep. Both are super useful tools to keep in a back pocket, to be applied as necessary.

There are a lot of times when I’m doing what I call “moving from bright point to bright point” or “navigating by stars” (on a cloudy night). It’s when not being able to see the point merges with not being able to think ...forward. From the old symptom set (DSMIV) “sense of impermanent future” // the future isn’t a real place. Setting an appointment for 2pm this afternoon feels as ridiculous as setting an appointment for the year 5 billion. Sure. I get that I’m expected to think it’s real and necessary, but I just don’t. Can’t wrap my head around it. Except sometimes I can. The bright points. I can think in all directions, see the point of things, and lay out a course of action. Because -for however that lasts- things are clear. The TRICK is a) trusting myself, that I knew what I was doing, once I’m back in the dark & b) laying out a course to follow just in case it gets dark, again. Follow the course I laid out for myself, regardless of how little sense it makes to me in the moment. It’s a bit wobbly. I nearly always have to make adjustments here and there once I can think, again. But it’s better than striking off in random directions, or just bobbing in place doing nothing, until I hit another bright point.

^^^ It’s a combo of both working for it (bright points) and waiting for it (it will come back again, I know this, can’t see it now but I can follow the course and I’ll see it again).