No Contact Letter

[Alimaria]

What are everyone's thoughts on this?

The main purpose of my letter is to inform my extended family that for 2 years, my mother has been hiding that her house is infested with bed bugs. I want them to be able to take action in their homes if necessary. I absolutely feel this needs to be done.

I also want it to serve the purpose of explaining why I am cutting them out of my life.

 

[Thizette]

Be careful that it doesn't sounds like you're cutting people off because of an infestation. When I explained to my extended family that I wouldn't be coming to holiday things because I didn't want to be around my dad, it was a hard thing to do. My mother's advice has always been to write something and put it away for 24-48 hours (48 for me because I have a temper, lol), then look at it again and rewrite it with better, more passive language choices and express things calmly as facts of your existence.

So for me, instead of saying he's an abusive alcoholic ass-hat, I explained that I become physically ill when my dad calls me or when we spend time together. The first (about him being abusive) can be written off as my opinion. The second is a medical fact about my life. So when his family pushed back, I just calmly repeated that I was making the best choice for myself and my health. That I had thought about it a long time, and that this decision was not made in anger, but because I need to be concerned for my health.

Going on six years now, and it really did wonders for my health. Even my doctor noticed!

I wish you luck and patience in this endeavor, it is hard to undertake a separation.

 

[Alimaria]

Thanks for your response.

The letter more or less explains how her complacency in regards to the bedbugs "reminds" me of how she ignored my father molesting us for 16 years. I used to be able to rationalize why it took her so long to leave. I can no longer do that.

I wonder if I need to be less emotional and more straightforward.

 

[Thizette]

I wonder if I need to be less emotional and more straightforward.

My opinion is that yes, you should definitely be less emotional and more straightforward. Short, simple, to the point, and with only the necessary information.

 

[Alimaria]

Thank you for your advice. ;)

 

[Deleted member 28403]

:hug: I'm happy that you have the courage to do this :)

 

[Alimaria]

:hug: I'm happy that you have the courage to do this :)

I don't know if courage is the right word.

I feel like I'm chewing off my own arm to save myself. It is unbearably painful.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Went through that, and yea, courage is probably not the right word, but the chewing off own arm is a darn good one :hug:

 

[Panda Bear]

I sent a certified letter, requesting no contact to my mom in the early spring.

I had to be very straight and non-accusatory. I tied to leave out as much 'emotional' feeling as possible. No one in my family knows of the letter, but a few safe friends do. It was the hardest thing I've done as of late.

It was important for me to do it and let it sit for a few days. It also helped to have a trusted person review the letter(who knew my history well!!) and get some feedback. T asked to see the letter and I declined.

 

[Unique Sunflower]

What are everyone's thoughts on this?

The main purpose of my letter is to inform my extended family t...

I have wanted to cut myself off from my immediate family on many occasions. Despite emotional and psychological abuse I've endured for years, I seem to continue to have a loyalty to them that at times makes me so angry. Family events will be fine and then my father, who I've determined is a narcissist and extremely passive aggressive, will be very disrespectful toward me, (within the last 6 months telling me to go back "home" and never come back). I let some time pass, and I engage in another family occasion. This weekend my brother, his girlfriend, and my parents are celebrating my father's birthday in my hometown. I've opted not to join them. In my past, I would have felt guilty though at this point I'm so finished with the unpredictable nature of my father's behaviors, I'd just assume have a good weekend. I feel at times I've been orphaned by my family. I'm a partial caregiver for my aging mother who no longer lives with dad and I feel obligated to make sure her needs are met since none of my other family members seem to care. It's tricky though, as much as I'd like to have nothing more to do with them, I guess I've reached a point where they are a part of my life, though only on rare occasions and I choose not to spend long lengths of time with them. If I do go back to my home town, I get a hotel. As I've gone through my recovery, I feel I can't relate to them and I'd rather manage my stress levels than worry about what they think. If you're cutting them out of your life permanently is the healthiest thing for you to do, I think that takes a tremendous about of courage. Is your extended family supportive in other ways?

 

[Alimaria]

I have wanted to cut myself off from my immediate family on many occasions. Despite emotional and psychologi...

No, unfortunately, I have lost my entire extended family as a result. I never knew much of my father's family and since he was my abuser....

All I've got are my boyfriend and my kids now.

 

[Chem Lady]

Alimaria,
You know when you feel so passionate/upset/encouraged regarding something someone else is doing? I feel that for you right now. I wonder if the others who posted here feel this way too. What a huge thing to write these letters! I did it too, 11 years ago and I still find it so upsetting to think about! I also lost my entire extended family when I left my mom, but, my mental health is so much better because of that decision, I know myself so much better and my self-worth has improved. It can be such a good step, but it is as serious as chewing off your arm and there are things to mourn about it.
I kind of wish I could be there to support you in sending your letter!