No End?

[blackemerald1]

Katherine8 I know this has been suggested already but I really recommend you grab a blank A5 size book with thick pages and some drawing charcoal and start scribbling. Don't worry about style or making it look pretty, it is private and only you decide who sees it. Start on the page loosely don't worry if you do not know what to draw, just relax and scribble, words, parts of dreams you remember, faces of people, significant events or flowers. Charcoal is easy to erase *buy one of them too.

Charcoal doesn't keep bugging you about colour. Somehow the charcoal drawing is really calming. I know you miss the colour in your life and I am sure all the things you miss will return with work and time and treatment. I find charcoal drawing great, if you cannot get it use a heavy black pencil but its not as good as charcoal I think. I wish you well.
Kind regards
blackemerald1

 

[blackemerald1]

Katherine8 I also wanted to tell you that I too lost that happy, contented feeling. I lost joy. Jokes were not funny anymore and I shrank away from the world. I lost colour too and a whole range of emotions that made me get out of bed each day. I am guessing a whole lot of people on this Forum would have experienced this to one degree or another.

I also felt that my anxiety, hyper-vigilance, feelings of impending doom and the will to engage in "fun" activities, replaced all those wonderful feelings I used to have. I was envious of people who could laugh out loud, I jumped and had adrenalin rushes at the slightest worry. Work began to overtake me and though I had my higher intellectual functioning, I could not remember things and this got worse and worse.

I still have these problems after years of drug and psychiatric therapy. I was told by my psychiatrist on one occasion when I was telling him how much I had lost, that the stronger a person is, the harder they fall with PTSD. I did not get treatment for a long time after the events that caused my PTSD and depression and that was, I was informed, also a contributing factor.

The thing was, I did not realise I was having a whole systemic failure until I was so physically and mentally ill that I could not work even though I wanted to. So, please get some help if you are not already. Please don't belt yourself up over things that start happening. Try to stop the spiral downwards if you can. Be kind to yourself above all things. Try and do what Junebug suggested regarding doing something for yourself each day to make yourself feel just a little bit better. I didn't and it ended my career, I lost my good health and many other life-time things. Some days now are better than most, some are just terrible and I spend them in bed. I just wanted to tell you these things so you know that I understand what you are saying.

Take care,
blackemerald1

 

[Katherine8]

One of the worst things I can imagine is ... doing things. It's as if that's wrong, and I can expect punishment. It's very stressful, and that's why it is such an impact on my life. Reading is much easier, but actually creating/making something, something which is visible, you can touch or see, that's a nightmare. I've tried to write things down. Most of the time it's only a sentence. I have blackouts when I try to do something. However I appreciate your suggestion blackemerald, it's scary for me.

 

[Katherine8]

I just read your second post blackemerald. I recognize myself in it. I fell very deep. I used to have chronic fatique syndrome. While that's in the past, I only now begin to understand the impact of it, and the influence of ptsd.

 

[blackemerald1]

Katherine8 I understand the fear of trying to do something. I have six whole weeks of mail piled up on a desk that I have collected and just dumped. I cannot even wonder why I do not open them, I am not especially frightened of what is in them. But, I just cannot do it. Every day I promise myself I will do it TOMORROW. And i never do. Of course the whole thing becomes more compounded because the people or whoever wrote, writes again, that too gets shoved onto the mountain.

I also go for weeks without cleaning the place or cooking and eating food. Then I will have a frenzy attack and clean everything from the windows to scrubbing down kitchen cupboards and ironing. The next day I am so exhausted I cannot get out of bed and I lapse into complete lethargy. I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue about 3 years ago, I was hospitalised for a while because I had a young son and was not able to meet his needs. I spent weeks on the sofa cuddled with my dog and managed with some help to keep enough food in the house for my son. I think a lot of my physical symptoms came from that.

I never wrote anything or did anything like drawing or as I suggested charcoal art, for fear that it would be found if I died and people could confirm that I was a total screw up. But I have had this condition since 1998 and everyone knows I am a screw up and I started the charcoal drawings because there was no colour in my life nor did I want any.

In my profession there was no compassion for people with PTSD. You had to be hard, soak it up at the end of the shift with so much beer you were legless at the end of the binge. It, or the event, were never spoken about, you just had to keep on keeping on as they say and then when PTSD does slice you open, well lets say you get treated like you have rabies.

I hope this helps, to know that fear and I think you are a legend for getting to work. There are many people on this site who can relate to what you are feeling. I am sure you will get more responses.

Meanwhile take care, especially when you are down so far.

Kind regards
blackemerald1

 

[DharmaGirl]

I am feeling what you are now. I don't even care about feeling it now. It seems inevitable. I don't seem to click with my T anymore and I can't even begin to think about changing. The only reason I go is because it keeps the disability checks coming. I want to get a job so I can quit therapy. I just want to go away.

 

[blackemerald1]

Monster1977 are you spiraling downwards, if so , is there a safety net for you to break your fall? I know that numbness of feelings and I have walked out of a shrinks office once because she just didn't get it. That feeling of wanting to go away or in my instance run away preoccupied me for years. Why don't you tell your t., that your feelings have changed, It could be that he or she is getting tooi close to something you are not aware of, Give your t., the benefit of the doubt. How long have you been going to see your t.,? I too want to get a job but have faced the doctors (many) that I will never work again. Do something good for yourself, I think we have some things in common maybe because our PTSD symptoms are so much the same. Take care, I am thinking of you.
blackemerald1