Relationship No Exceptions For Common Courtesy

[Tinyflame]

I have to agree with Nicolette.

If this is for his benefit, it sounded like he said it was bad timing. I don't think he meant to hurt you. It sounded like you were both too tired, he said so, you said so.

 

[Srain]

I feel for where you are and would also caution you that the PTSD relationship is nothing like anyother. To be a supporter requires more patience, finding your own support, additional support, education, and above all the ability to roll with moods.

I am not saying you need be a punching bad (literal) but the term "Supporter" is a serious title. Those that suffer (and I mean suffer in so very many ways!) need to know that those who are in their corner are really there.

I work extremely hard to show respect to my husband but often fall short in the quagmire of my symptoms. Does this give me free rein to treat him like shit? Nooooooooooooooooooo, it adds to my long list of heart-felt apologies and determinations to work all the harder towards recovery.

Learning positive communication can be very difficult but so is understanding why that ever got to be in the first place.

It's a journey, I applaud you for being so open. Don't give up because because for every voice there are hundreds fearful to utter a single word. ((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))

Peace,
Rain

 

[Nicolette]

Don't give up because because for every voice there are hundreds fearful to utter a single word.

I think Rain brings something very important to the table christine12 which I have probably glossed over as I've been carrying the Supporter title for 5 and a half years now and I have purposely forgotten how tough it was. It is nothing I wish to remember or re-live. But what Rain said jolted the fact that, even if the responses aren't panning out how you would like, they are honest, written with good intent as we do know how hard the 'unknown' and 'unseen' battle against this illness is. No-one is telling you anything to upset you - they are sharing what they have learned from their experience.

To ask what seems a silly question is better than making a stupid mistake so I am one for asking questions despite the risk of being vulnerable. To share and get feedback is along similar lines. All I can offer you is what I have learned from the path I have walked, reading your limited information, and giving you my unemotional view on it - I wasn't on the phone, I didn't want to talk and I wasn't hurt by what was said so it is easy for me to write and give my opinion.

What you can do for you, is be open, read what is written, take on board as little or as much as you want. You may find you come back and look at this when not upset and you may see things you overlooked as it is hard to apply logic when overcome by emotion. It is easy for me to suggest what to do, but when it feels like you are down, it makes it all so much harder.

In short...... please don't take anything as a personal attack - we only know what we know. Its all about learning. :bookworm:

 

[discarded]

Hang in there Christine. I am really just only starting to appreciate that being in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer is far from easy. From what I have read on the forum, I am guilty of doing many things wrong and at the moment I am really questioning whether or not I am the best person to be my husband's supporter (well actually ex husband as of 8 weeks ago after 28 years together). For now he really doesn't think so. When I talk to him I feel I am being straight forward but he tells me from his perspective I am not. So I will try to word things differently and he still doesn't get what I am wanting from him. I try to give yes or no questions and that doesn't work either. He says my coversations are not logical, what ever that means. I am finally learning that I probably have not been approaching conversations with him in a manner that he can cope with. I also struggle to work out what is the effects of the PTSD and what is just plain rudeness. If he thinks I am being rude he certainly points it out to me. I live in a world with 2 sets of rules, one for him and one for the rest of us.

There have been a one or two times on the forum when I have been upset by some of the responses I have been given. After I calmed down and took the time to see another point of view, I found it really helped. When we ask a question on the forum it is open to interpretation from others who really know little about us or our own individual circumstances. It made me realise that if I was a little misunderstood on here then it is quite likely that my husband also has trouble working out what it is I want.

As I have learned, to be a good supporter you have to be really tough, not take things personally, know when to back off and when to push, and not expect too much in return. Sometimes for even the best of us there will be days when we struggle to cope with the situation we are in. (((((hugs)))))

 

[Nicolette]

I live in a world with 2 sets of rules, one for him and one for the rest of us.

It can really feel like that at times Discarded. I found I had to stick to my guns and stand up when the rules weren't fair. Not always in the heat of the moment as you have to pick your time and your battles with PTSD.

I also struggle to work out what is the effects of the PTSD and what is just plain rudeness.

That's an easy one - anything you wouldn't accept from anyone else is not acceptable from your husband. What worked for me was saying things like "I don't like who you are being right now" and leaving the room. You cannot have an effective argument with a PTSD Sufferer IMHO - you need to say what you need to and let them be so they can calm their minds and process what you have said. Keeping at them or poking will not help. I don't want to offend them but you really have to let it sink in as their minds are overloaded at times.

Sometimes for even the best of us there will be days when we struggle to cope with the situation we are in.

So true! :(

 

[p-no]

you need to say what you need to and let them be so they can calm their minds and process what you have said

Very true. (Sufferer speaking.)

 

[Meadowsweet]

SHOUT out to Discarded for atleast understanding what I attempted to say

Christine12, I am a sufferer of PTSD who chose to live without support.

It's not uncommon for a sufferer to isolate themselves. But for me, one of the prime motivations to do so, was that I wasn't capable of putting the visions, emotions etc into words, and when I tried to talk, my friends weren't capable of understanding what I experience.

So very often it was judged according to 'normal' expectations, and I fail miserably to meet those.

The effect of PTSD was that I was trying to deal with daily images and un-controllable thoughts of being abused - I was dealing with re-occuring and uncontrolled feelings that I was to blame for everything; that I was guilty and shameful; and yet more feelings that I am deserving of abuse and that it will happen as soon as I am less than perfect.

In addition to that, the effect of friends not understanding and their criticisms of me not living up to their expectations of 'normal', was to significantly increase (and validate) the PTSD feelings of guilt, imperfection and threat.

In turn, that increased the symptoms that lead to the worse case scenario of full blown flashback. In that state, i did once scream F off down the phone and flung the phone across the room.

It was more than discourteous, it was wrong. I apologised for that, but told her that I was walking away from our friendship. At the time she was befriending someone who had watched me being attacked, and had protected my attacker.

Without PTSD, I might have dealt with it more rationally. With PTSD the stress she put me under led to a breakdown. And the only way for me to find my balance again, was to get people out of my life and minimise the triggers.

What I gave in my original reply to you here, was a non-biased understanding that I have found for those who support people. In time and with willingness, I've come to understand that my friend just didn't understand - she didn't mean to cause so much distress.

So I respect you for sharing here, and for asking for others opinions. But I wanted to share with you the extreme distress and the additional damage that can happen though sheer lack of understanding of the condition.