No Idea

[Anarchy]

You take care

Ill be checking back in. I'm surprised at how quiet the board has been since you posted. there are usually more people around.

roughly what area of the uk are you in?

 

[_blank]

I tend to freak people out as I said. Mostly they realise that there is nothing they can say to help me. This of course is also a challenge to their own philosophies...and I would highly recommend they don't think about it too much as I really would not wish my state of mind on anybody (not because it is painful...just because it leads to inescapable nihilism). As I have often said to people...take the f*cking blue pill.
I'm in London.

 

[Chava]

'Reality' (as far as we can know it through our 5 / 6 senses) is not comforting.

Subjective, not objective truth. My singing bowls are super f*cking comforting. I feel like I'm floating in the abyss before I was "me." Find that without drugs! Anyway, that experience is no less "real" than all of your thoughts about reality. Feeling, thoughts...all up for grabs. I can tell you are a thinker (me too, especially moreso as I detach).

there is no right or wrong there is just existence and experience

Also subjective, but also not worth thinking about at some point. Put down books, move out of your thinking space, and climb a mountain or something. Just for the heck of it.

Yes I will probably go to a clinic I found that is the only place that I would consider...I think its time.

Great. I researched some and found a therapist that is a good fit for me. If you only uncovered the truth of your trauma recently, it is especially important to find a trauma therapist who can help you possibly manage and reframe some of this. The "practical" vs "emotional" might actually be a form of detaching (numbness) in response to not being able to process the trauma stuff. ???

getting less and less 'emotional' and more 'practical' about the whole situation.

I'd question the "practical" part. I'm not saying you aren't logical. I can tell you are. Probably a roaring INTP (??? okay funny part is there is nothing roaring about an INTP). Or a shut down INFP? Therapy wouldn't change basic personality. But you might find your personality tendencies exacerbated in unhelpful ways by your trauma. I can totally detach from the world and drown in books. That's not actually all bad. But my tipping towards all "thinking" and living in my head, vs feeling/sensing/experiencing is also how I numb out. It's my escape route. Knowing and understanding this better, I use it more at whim and will. I don't get carried away by my own thoughts and judgments. I eat a banana. Walk the dog. Brush my teeth. Then read a book fully knowing it won't change my life, but I thrive and live on my curiosity. It's a good survival pattern. Just so I leave my little tiny hole, under a rock, inside my head once in a while.

I am aware of the seriousness of my calmness.

Good. It sounds like apathy. Also possibly numbing and perhaps a little mild dissociation (I of course don't know you well enough to suggest this). I relate to the detaching. It's a survival and coping mechanism. Not all bad. But numbing to the point of justifying suicide in a calm way? With the recent recall of trauma it just seems quite likely to be a form of shutdown. Looking for help would be the practical way to combat how your nervous system is naturally responding (and hauling your cognition along for the ride, perhaps)... Read Heller's book if you haven't. And the neurofeedback one...fascinating stuff.

And notice all the amazing people in the world who do not suck. They are also everywhere. Loving, creative, quirky, humble, awkward, alive, beautiful... watch out for them.

 

[Chava]

p.s. again

I tend to freak people out as I said. Mostly they realise that there is nothing they can say to help me.

You don't freak me out. I relate. You haven't found the right therapist. If you find one who is well-versed in early trauma and perhaps process-oriented, just take it as it comes and don't overthink it. Also, therapy isn't about a therapist saying the right thing. Only helping you find your healing process and supporting that. No one answer either. Has to be a collaborative living kind of thing.

 

[_blank]

Thanks guys.
I had a few awful psychiatry experiences and one rather lengthly and un-impactful talking therapy phase...guess that's why I'm not running around trying to find someone. Also skint. You know. Well the NHS assessor would not put me on their psychotherapy as it was 'not enough' for me as my case is apparently that serious. So basically I have to pay for therapy. Nice. Full circle back to money, job, don't give a f*ck so how am I ever going to afford therapy?

 

[Chava]

I've had a couple horrible hospitalizations and a couple good ones. Now I manage to only end up in ER once in a while (hey, I'm not perfect!). I had okay therapists before but I don't think the right form of therapy for me. I researched some to find my current therapist. It was a bit of a leap and experiment, but I think it's been a lot better for me.

I don't know what it's like in the UK and with your $ situation (my insurance covers my therapist, though there was a snag for a while when my company switched to a crappier insurance company...really unsettling how it feels like we hang in the balance). In the meantime, or as you search, what helps you just keep grounded or somewhat connected? Can you stop justifying suicide and distract yourself from that train of thought? I totally understand the apathy, not caring, and feeling disconnected. But it's a feeling. It's empty of all other feelings. But it's still not like a permanent state. Also, watch for when you are noticing only what sucks about the world and humans. Noticing the good and beautiful is not like lying or faking yourself out. That is realistic too. But if you can't see it, just take care of yourself until you find a little more help.

 

[Stickler]

Dunno. I suspect your ability to feel pleasure has been shut off for so long you no longer remember what it's like.

...I realized life had no extrinsic meaning at ten or so, and i could kill myself...which led to a long bout of Getting Religion. I was born again...then I died again later and went Atheist for a while...bleh.

Desperately craving a nonexistent meaning means you are...not being at one with process? In a transcendent sense.
It's a sign of depression, which is a sort of psychic implosion.
We're all process.
Transcending the illusory self, even for just a bit, is very much a relief. At least to me.
Helps remind me I'm going to end up compost anyway, and my time here's amazingly short, if I think about it.
Also that " me" is a fiction I make up. ( not so much the weight I put on...)

Try MIND or some other non-governmental organizations for therapy.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Have you considered your own way of finding a spiritual reason to remain living? I do not mean any of those ridiculous cults out there. Just.......I feel the same way, nothing is an achievement, nothing is rewarding any more, no incentives, society sucks, regularly feel meaningless, tired of pretending it'll all get better, because it never does. But something.... Connecting with.. Something else? Which means you'll keep on going, in a much deeper, more meaningful way, perhaps discover a higher way of being? Hope that makes sense.

 

[_blank]

Re more 'spiritual' reasons...yes. I have explored this more than most people I know. I know I keep saying that, but really I have. I have had many deeply profound and life-altering experiences (they were at the time)...I have connected with an energy force so powerful that it coursed through my whole body practically lifting me off the floor...I have conducted electricity into other people without touching them...I have astral travelled...(this all fairly recently)...it all sounds crazy and if I were listening to someone telling me all of this 5 years ago I would call them radically insane...

About a decade ago I dedicated 2 years to meditation and spiritual practice (after my christian beliefs disintegrated), abstaining from all mind-altering substances and animal products. I studied buddhism and hinduism, and truly moved through many states of realisation, timelessness and very near ego-death.

This all seemed to be going somewhere and I found it deeply motivating until more recently. In the past year I have seen and experienced the construct, the matrix, the simulation or whatever you want to call it to such an extent that I can no longer deny it. Everything I have experienced can be explained by various actual mind-states involving mind-body disconnection, dissolution of sensory filters etc etc...and no matter how utterly mind-blowing any of it is (and it IS)...I know it is meaningless. Meaning does not exist. Meaning is a human invention. Just like love. All of physics, biology, neuroscience, philosophy and pure experience shows me more and more that this universe is some sort of unfathomable software...that we are phantoms...that nothing matters at all. Not a thing.

Yet I am trapped in my deeply pre-programmed mind and none of these experiences helps me exist in day to day reality which I find to be losing the last vestiges of any kind of personal relevance. Because there is no 'personal', and 'relevant' is just a word. Like everything we think, speak or write. Words. Symbols. Far from the mark. Never truly communicating. No hope of comprehension. No future not past no reason nothing born nothing dead...void...

 

[Stickler]

Well...yeah, but NEEDING meaning is a symptom of being really f*cking unhappy.
Otherwise you are just being the process and are cool with it. Happy.

Yeah, your personality is just a construct, but you're hurting. Otherwise you would be ok with not dying.

So the lack of meaning isn't the problem, it's the really f*cking unhappy part.

THAT can be treated. That can be improved upon. It will take time and a lot of effort.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Doesn't sound crazy to me at all.

I personally believe there is a Universal Divine Spirit. I don't want to get into a debate about it so I will just say I understand your point of view but I hope you don't end your life.

 

[_blank]

Thank you.