No Interest In Sexual Relations

[cherryblossom]

I totally 'get it' Leona. I have 'avoided' men for pretty much all the reasons you state above, for years now.
I think I believe :thinking: that no-one else can love you until you love yourself (maybe :laughatyou:), so I'm working hard on healing me first - then who knows?

 

[Marie E.]

BrokenChild, I feel just the same, as if sex is such a chore and I could be doing better things. I give in at least once a day or skip a day. I just feel like I have to do it sometimes. I mean my Fiance loves me. A lot of the time it is not pleasurable to me due to my lack of concentration and the endurance of strong vivid flash backs of my abuser!

Here and there I do enjoy it, though I feel like it is such a chore!!

 

[alfredo]

Hi there,

I am new to this forum. I am a man and I guess that many of the people who have written here are women. I am married. I am an Italian migrant and arrived in Australia at the age of 18. I could not speak a word of English. I married a wonderful Australian woman and we have been married for over 30 years.

When first married we had lots of sex but then, as years went on, we had it occasionally. And this is the case now where we have sex occasionally and we both enjoy it. We seem to be quite happy this way as sex is not that important to both of us. We are friends and share many interests.

What I am curious to find out is this: is it always the case that those who have been sexually molested when children loose their interest for sex in later life? I don't think this is so because I was molested when I was a child. But this did not, or at least I didn't let it spoil my sexual life. I guess that the situation may be different for women.

Is there anything that could be done to restore some normality ? Have many of you heard of Exposure Therapy? And would working through your traumas make things better? I mean is there a possibility? I think that for those who have a partner it is normal to try to satisfy the partner and ensure that the relationship is fairly normal. A partner who is deprived of sex is not going to be a happy partner and the relationship, most likely, could end. It is a true dilemma.

I am just curious. But I hope my questions are not odd or offensive to anyone.

 

[cherryblossom]

I don't think any genuine questions are offensive ;)

There are no 'rules' as to how people who are abused will respond to sex in later life. I'm not sure there are any rules for males or females either, although generally speaking women see sex as emotional, where as men see it as 'functional' (if that makes sense?).

I really do believe that exposure therapy, and working through trauma's can help.

I think you have to bear in mind that members of this forum are generally 'struggling' with whatever happened to them. I'm sure that many people who have suffered abuse have very happy (sex) lives.

There's always possibilities, sometimes it just takes a while for survivors to work out how to have healthy relationships, and healthy/enjoyable sex lives. But definitely possible.

 

[alfredo]

Thank you Cherryblossom. What you wrote is very helpful. I am a carer for my wife who has a number of disabilities. So we get a pension from the government and in this position I am at home most of the times. Before becoming a carer (or someone who looks after a sick or disabled person) I was a pianist and worked in clubs and various other venues. But I also worked as a cook given that I am a very good cook something that I have inherited from my parents.

I am also a visual artist and I use my art to heal myself because I suffer with depression, OCD and some elevated moods although it is not a full bipolar disorder. They call it cyclothymia.

When I have time I like to help people via email and in this sense I have been studying mental disorders for many years now. I am doing personal research, that is not in a University or as a researcher. It is just for my own benefit because knowledge is indispensible to grow and if we are to help ourselves.

In my longitudinal research and currently in my pilot study I have found that most cases of severe mental disorders are due to childhood traumas. So in my research childhood trauma is as high as 80% something that is supported by some current research.

The rest are other traumas like sexual abuse experience in adult years or other kinds of trauma.

What I find extremely strange is that if most severe cases of mental disorders are triggered by traumatic experiences why is therapy so little used? I mean CBT, DBT and Exposure Therapy, to name a few, are so much neglected in the management of mental disorders today that this is a concern to me.


It would seem that in most cases people go for psychiatric medication and this does not seem the right approach to me. I think that it is important to use therapy combined with some medication (the least does possible that is effective). And both therapy and medication should be seen as non permanent intervention because most people. I am sure, with the right interventions and support could learn to control symptoms and get their lives back on track.

This is my direction at present and I am saying this because this is what I have found from my personal research and ti may be useful to someone.

Thanks

 

[Leona]

I wanted to respond to "wondering why"'s post above. I agree that the looks of someone shouldn't be a huge priority. I can be attracted to a man who is older, shorter, or just not extremely "handsome" by society's standards. I think I start feeling like other people around us will wonder why I'm with him, and really, that shouldn't matter either.
I just started dating someone. He is 14 years older than me (I'm 45 and he's 59). He's slightly shorter than me. I really like this man. We've been able to talk very honestly about things, and I've shared some of my past with him. He is understanding and wants to take things slow. I actually enjoy kissing this guy....I mean, I really respond to him. I'm just afraid of when we finally end up having sex, that it will all be ruined. He told me he likes to snuggle, and kiss, and would be very content just falling asleep next to me. I mean, really, what more could someone like me ask for? I'm scared because when I get too "committed" I feel trapped. I'm afraid I'll sabotage this by hurting him and pushing him away.
Ugh. I'm just gonna take it slow.

 

[WonderingWhy]

I think slow is the best. I wish you the best.:hug:

 

[Leona]

Thanks....it's nice to break the loneliness a little. The whole prospect of a relationship frightens me, though.

 

[WonderingWhy]

Thanks....it's nice to break the loneliness a little. The whole prospect of a relationship frightens me, though.

I understand. I have very confusing feelings as they are so mixed up. There are times I feel so lonely and long for a strong arm of a man around me feeling safe and comforted.

However in reality if a man came "into my space" I would freak!:eek::faint:

So I know it will be a looooonnnnnnggg process if I am ever going to have another close relationship.:(

 

[Powder]

Sex started out easy and wonderful with my h. As the years went by and the trauma began to resurface, I guess it took it's toll. Started a few years ago as a lower libido, then to panic attacks during sex, then to full on flash backs of the abuse. So it came on slowly as the iceburg of CSA surfaced in my thirties now. What it amounts to is a deliberate (just get back on that horse) over-ride that I will not allow this to destroy my sex life and what I have enjoyed for years with my H. He nor I deserves to have it taken away just like that.

I guess I'm lucky that I'm a woman and I found a way to find one man I trusted and tested enough and who would let me take the sexual side slowly and to my own desires and pace. He let me lead the way and this let me feel more in control, I guess, which is probably why it all worked out. I didn't know I was abused until recently, not sexually anyways, so now I get it. I needed to set it up as opposite the abuse, when I was under someone else's total dominance. Instead of being dominant myself, I just needed to feel free and autonomous and yet responsive and caring, which is healthy I think.

So, yes, I think women can be okay with sex after abuse, even in childhood, but maybe it helped that mine lasted for a set amount of time and was totally repressed. If it lasted into school years and was remembered, then I doubt I would have been able to handle it at all.

Like you all said above, I am basically also a bit of a prude, but only as relates to jokes that seem to be at the female's expense. If the joke is about a man not being able to perform or being to lazy to perform, then I think it's funny, because it is not triggering. Jokes that have S&M or dominance in them are totally offensive to me and I can't begin to understand why anyone thinks it's funny. So much so that I basically see it as sick.

Thanks for reading my ramble if you got this far. :eek:

 

[alfredo]

Some people believe that doing regression therapy and revisiting the trauma may set the sufferer free and they can have sex and enjoy it without problems. Unfortunately not many people go for therapy and not many psychologist or psychiatrist do regression therapy.

 

[Lionheart]

I am a male survivor of sexual child abuse. I have had times when I was hyper-sexual and not really enjoying myself and times when I have just wanted the romantic, intellectual, emotional attachment instead.

Now I am 50 years old and I want sex to be a natural extension of an emotionally intimate relationship. I am told this comes with age, but either way it is a welcome change. Staying present and taking the focus off of performance and just having fun has made a difference for me. *(although it is still difficult to remain present sometimes).

I think we all go through a period when it is good to have a break from sex, especially if we are not enjoying ourselves. Being able to say "no" allows us to also say "yes" when the time, person, situation is right. If I understand correctly, Sex is like the last aspect of our healing to take place or at least a lot of psychological and emotional healing has to take place first.

It sounds to me like you have a man who responds to other forms of physical affection and that is a great place to start to heal. I wish you the best as you move forward in your relationship.