No More " I Love You" 's?

[KP the nut]

It's time to let sleeping dogs lie.

I knew/know my H is concerned and would have loved me to talk to him but I couldn't. I talked to my T and to friends here. No matter how supportive H is, he doesn't get it, he doesn't understand.

So he waits for me to tell him things in my time and for that I am eternally grateful.

I wish you and your family peace and hopefully you will have those peaks.

 

[Angus McGee]

Thanks, KP. I wish I knew what the future held. I have no idea.

 

[KP the nut]

I wish I knew what the future held. I have no idea.

No-one does, we just take it one day at a time and hope and hope and hope that we make it.

 

[Angus McGee]

KP, I think your husband has it right. I think at some level, talking to her about this causes there to be a connection between us. Yes, it's not what I'd hope for, but at least it's something. My subconscious longs for that connection, and will try anything to get it. Even, it seems, if it means driving her further away (at least on the surface).

Junebug said a few posts ago that carers are brave. I certainly wouldn't call what I'm doing as brave.

Stubborn, maybe. Unwilling to let go, perhaps. Brave?

 

[Angus McGee]

...and, is my persistence helping her, or am I a hindrance? I'd say as a general rule, a loving, caring albeit ignorant carer would be helpful to a sufferer, but that doesn't seem to be the case with my wife.

So, I have to shrug and let her sink or swim on her own. It seems the best I can hope for is to stand on the shore with a life-preserver waiting for her to call on me for help.

 

[Foxtrot]

Angus, why do you stay? I'm curious, not saying you should leave, I'd just like to hear from another carer, who is suffering I think as much or more than me, what your reasons are. I know what mine are, just wondering what you (and any others) might say as to the "art" of staying.

 

[Angus McGee]

There are multiple reasons, actually. The main one, and the one I keep going back go is that I love her. In a lot of ways, I can't imagine my life without her. That being said, she is leaving me, at least temporally. She is moving out next month to focus on her healing. She feels it's best for all concerned if she is isolated during her treatment. I'd rather she not do that, but she insisted. She signed a 6 month lease on an apartment. Whether or not she moves back is unknown at this point.

But, to answer your question, I believe marriage is for life. She is my partner, and half of the whole that I share. I'm hurting through all of this because she is hurting. I want to share her pain, her anxiety, and her grief. However. She is keeping me from doing any of that, which is incredibly painful to me, personally.

She tells me that her moving has nothing to do with me, which on one level, I appreciate, but to me, whether it has anything to do with me, she is still moving out.

I also stay for our kids. My 16 yo daughter has seen everything from the very beginning, and I am trying to show her that there are some things in life worth fighting for, regardless of how much it hurts. We have talked about this, and she understands completely. My 1.5yo son also deserves to grow up in a house with his mommy and daddy together. I am going to do everything in my power to make that happen.

I suppose on some level, I fear being alone too. However, I don't want anyone else. She has told me that I deserve someone better than her. Someone that will make me happy. My reply has always been "The person I need is you, healthy. Let's get you there."

 

[Foxtrot]

Thank you for that, Angus, I admire your conviction and emphasize with your pain. Hang in there.

 

[Angus McGee]

Thanks. I'll definitely be posting here regularly as things progress in the next few months, with some sort of finality in the works. I hope I answered your question.

 

[Angus McGee]

Since I found out she got her own place, I thought that her move-in-date was July 17. I found out tonight it is actually June 17.

I feel like I've just been punched in the gut.

 

[Foxtrot]

Man, that's tough. I'm sorry. No words work, I'm sure, but you aren't alone, there's a lot of us out there who are feeling a little tough tonight.

 

[Angus McGee]

So, my non-PTSD mind keeps going back to the fact that she is moving out because she wants out of the marriage.

One of the things she has been asking/telling me to do since this all hit the fan is to "let her go".

Last night, probably out of hurt feelings, I told her "consider yourself 'let go'". Her reply? "Thank you".

I asked her "So, does that mean you're going to talk to the divorce attorneys now?"

She got all offended, and told her that I was forcing the issue. I said that she has been wanting me to let her go for months, if that isn't it, then how does she define "letting her go"? She said she couldn't think about it because she was busy at work. Which was true, but seemed like a cop out.

Also, before I knew much about PTSD, or what it does to the mind, we went to a marriage counsellor. Thinking that something was wrong with our marriage, and she (the counsellor) would be able to help us get things back on track. Going into the sessions, my wife insisted that we only go for 5 sessions, then we were done. Also, she said that her goal in the counselling was to help me transition out of our marriage.

All that being said, you can see why I would think that "letting her go" meant divorce.

Last night, come to find out that she neither wants, nor feels that she needs a divorce. She is proposing divorce for my sake. It seems she feels it's a way of helping me and our kids from having to deal with her.

Once I realized that, I simply said "Don't file for divorce for my sake. If and when that day ever comes, allow me to make the decision."

That was where we left it.

I'm doing my best to be consistent, but all this bouncing around crap in her head is very difficult to keep up with.