No real progress

[NewBeginnings]

3 steps forward and 3 steps back. I thought I was doing so well and now I am sure I am fooling myself.

My T says I spend a lot of time managing my emotions. I don't really get it. It is hard for me when I talk with her because I do have some emotion. I always told her I was not emotional - she disagrees. It is harder to show emotion than to not (and by showing emotion I don't mean crying - don't do that.) I know I show emotion when I feel vulnerable.

I opened up in therapy - felt everything move and now I am a bundle of stress.

Will my mind ever settle and not keep thinking and overthinking everything? I talk myself out of so much. I thought I was doing better and then I hit a concrete wall.

Sorry - I am in a bad place ... moody and just no fun

 

[WishfulThinking123]

@crying.on.inside I am sorry you are in a bad place right now. I know what you mean about managing emotion-I used to do a lot of work both in and out of therapy managing emotions and not letting anyone see how I really felt for fear on whether or not what I felt would be seen as valid in their eyes. I am just now starting to show emotion in T- I have even cried a few times which is a big stretch for me. I also understand what its like to constantly do the self talk in every situation and constantly overthinking- it seems for me every time something new from my past is brought up I go through a high anxiety peak again/depression- kind of start the whole process over again. Once I work through it it does start to subside. I know you will get through this! T is hard work and talking about trauma is not fun- my T told me last week that I should be proud just for showing up and continuing to journal because she has clients who chronically cancel because they don't want to face it. You should be proud of yourself for continuing to go to therapy and work through stuff that is hard!

 

[UnicornSightings]

3 steps forward and 3 steps back. I thought I was doing so well and now I am sure I am fooling...

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I don't know if this helps but I feel this way soooooo often. It's crazy. I feel like there's progress anyway. But we're just so trained to keep looking at the bad. Can you think of one tiny little thing that's different this time? Awareness? Questioning things? Even typing it out? There's always SOMETHING there, something we have learned from doing what seems like the same thing or falling back down into the same pit. Like the pit is less shallow or there's a rope now or an extra passageway. Look for the difference, whatever it is. That's what works for me. Hope you can be oh so kind to yourself right now.

 

[NewBeginnings]

@crying.on.inside I am sorry you are in a bad place right now. I know wha...

Thank you for replying. In some ways I minimize what is going on for me and in others I feel like there is a kind of support because others are finding their path too - we learn from one another. i am trying to work through it but I continue to bump up against being so ashamed of my past that I hide from it. My T keeps telling me anxiety = avoidance. If I can face what I fear she things my anxiety will dramatically improve - I am fascinated and hate how it is all connected. Improve my anxiety and i have a greater capacity to enjoy life. AT times like this when I am on high alert I am numb so I don't feel the pain.
I ramble ....

 

[NewBeginnings]

But we're just so trained to keep looking at the bad. Can you think of one tiny little thing that's different this time? Awareness? Questioning things? Even typing it out?

I thought I used to be the optimist but you are right I am so focused on the bad. It seems so annoying and like it won't make a hill of beans of a difference to insert some positive reflection but my objections aside - I do agree. I forget to acknowledge what I do differently. I am a different person than I was 3 1/2 years ago when I started therapy. In terms of tangible...I am employed FT at I job that suits me well. I am learning baby steps to question how I want to be treated (still crazy hard but my awareness around this subject is shifting). And I had a serious plan for a successful suicide - and that dark cloud has shifted - I actually shared this with my T who seems to care if I am safe. And I am working towards figuring out what I want my life to be.And while this may seem like progress, I find myself sick over the shame I have towards myself - I am working on it....

Like the pit is less shallow or there's a rope now or an extra passageway

Agree but it seems like I am climbing a mountain in the darkness with a blindfold on and my hands tied behind my back... I may be going up or I could be going in circles. - "acknowledge the progress"..thanks for your insight.