No Role Models, No Guidance

[LadyZane]

In the last few years I've done so much hard work to get through the worst of things. Starting medication made me feel so much better, but lately I've been realizing that clinical depression is only one piece of the puzzle. The other piece is the emotional/psychological abuse and isolation I grew up with.

I feel this intense, horrible grief for what I never had -- just one single stable adult presence in my life growing up. I feel so, so sad sometimes imagining what it must feel like to have a mother or father that comforts you when you're afraid, that you know you can rely on to help you through your feelings or figure out how to do things, or even to be there to support you as you move through your adult life of navigating relationships, careers, etc (don't even get me started on children -- I don't plan on having any, and sometimes I wonder if my aversion is due to the fact that I know I have zero people I can ever rely on for help). I have so much sorrow about this huge missing piece in my life.

But that's not all there is to it. Even if I can buck up and feel better about it, I still find I don't have the same intuitive understanding of things like boundaries that people with more stable families seem to have. Nobody ever modeled emotional regulation for me. Nobody was ever there for me when I needed someone, so now I don't even know what emotional needs are supposed to feel like, much less how to explain to someone what I need from them, or how to know if I'm getting it. I don't have any experience with making healthy attachments, so my relationships tend to be tumultuous and confusing and making friends has always been difficult. I'm lucky--I have a few great friends--but most of the time I struggle to understand how to connect with people beyond shallow conversation.

I feel like a boat adrift at sea with no compass, no radio, no sail, no paddle, no nothing. When it comes to my own needs or connecting with other people, I have no direction or understanding. I guess I grieve for that too--the normal emotional and social development I didn't get to have, that will always be a strange territory with no map for me.

 

[The Albatross]

Personally I don't trend to give over to grief over what I never had... I am stoic and deal with what is, by intention because I fail to see how it serves me better. Depression and grief aren't all that far apart to me. Not really.

"I don't have the same intuitive understanding of things like boundaries that people with more stable families seem to have. Nobody ever modeled emotional regulation for me." Me either however they are there... at your fingertips if you should endeavor to seek and find them. We are in a period where there is access to skill sets outside of our families and relationships day to day. Models are nice when you can get them but there is healing should you decide to endeavor to do the work.

So far as being not sure what to "feel like"... it is unique and individual... so be authentic as you can be without unnecessarily risking another depressive cycle.

"... that will always be a strange territory with no map for me." Will it? How do you know? Personally I wouldn't be so sure. That's what personal responsibility, character development and self actualization are for.

 

[LadyZane]

Personally I don't trend to give over to grief over what a I never had... I am stoic and deal with...

I never used to. I just took care of myself and didn't see the point of wishing things were different. It's very recent and unexpected. I had this dream out of the blue that somebody I admire was kind of "fathering" me as an adult -- making a point to support my ideas and my goals, etc. It's been an emotional roller coaster ever since I woke up that day. In some ways finally admitting what a huge "missing piece" it really is for me and how sad it really does make me feel has been this sort of key to unlocking other things about myself that would have stayed buried because I couldn't let myself feel any of it.