Relationship No trust and keeping up a wall

[Deanna Joy]

Hey all. So I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now, he is a combat veteran and returned from his tour a few years ago. For the most part, we have a wonderful, fun, balanced relationship that is healthy and fulfilling. But we have one issue that keeps coming up, and it really centers around his experiences while he was deployed and that he refuses to get any help (medication, therapy, etc). He does not trust anyone, which includes me, and I often feel he keeps me at arms length or that there's a wall he puts up that after so long I have still not been able to get through. He has said outright most of this is because what he has been through and that he refuses to change or seek help, and it saddens me deeply. I know it is all out of fear and I have never done anything to lose his trust, but it is still a roadblock in our relationship. We have so much good together it's heart wrenching to imagine throwing it away, but I have no idea how to move forward. It hurts me beyond words knowing he won't let me through and I don't know how to make things right. Help?

 

[Friday]

It took my symptoms coming back full bore, & wrecking my life for over a year before I was even willing to consider therapy. Another year in What happened a million years ago isn't my problem :mad: just trying to deal with the hot mess my life had become, before I was desperate enough to seek PTSD specific help. And another year before I was so broken I turned to the military.

Some of us? Aren't that smart.

I knew, even during my good years, that I was only running at about 92%. But it was such an orgasm of sanity compared to the first time my symptoms went hot there was nothing anyone could do or say to me that would have convinced me to get treatment. Life was good. Amazing, even. I wasn't about to f*ck that up. Anyone who thought differently? Could suck it. No way in hell was I doing anything that would risk my life blowing up, again. No therapy. No treatment. The past is done. Full stop. Get on board with that, or go away. Because me? I'm fine.

Some of us? Are just that stubborn.

What about you? If nothing changes, is how he is right now someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? Or are these dealbreakers for you?

 

[scout86]

When you think about it, it takes a significant amount of something very much like 'trust' to give therapy a shot. My T keeps suggesting i 'think if things add an experiment'. That's helpful. Lets off a bit of the 'i HAVE to get this right' pressure. Makes the, 'this isn't working, I'm leaving' feel more available so the whole thing feels safer.

So, his plan is to go the rest of his life & never trust anyone, ever again? Has he thought about how that will play out in the real world? From personal experience, I can tell him the answer is 'not real well'.

At some point, even you will get tired of dealing with him. He won't have to worry about trusting anyone, there won't be anyone left in his life TO trust. There's no easy way out of his situation, but the best way involves getting competent help.

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi. Glad you're here. The more information you have the better for both of you.
How long have you been with your veteran? If he's unwilling to seek help there is really nothing you can do. It's up to him to see the problems he's having and get the help he needs. Until then nothing will change and things may even become worse.

I don't want to discourage you but if he doesn't trust you (I thought relationships were built on trust?) how can you move forward? If I was in your shoes I would slow way down and probably just be friends until he seeks therapy. And even then I'd be hesitant as therapy can open a whole mess of new problems.

Good luck and I hope your Veteran decides to seek help. He deserves it! Thank you for being there for him and trying to understand. Kudos to you!

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't think there's anything much that you can do at this point. I think you could move mountains and his trust for you would not increase. If he knew he could lose you, do you think he'd consider seeking help? I don't think it's fair to you to have a partner who doesn't trust you as there are very real limits to trust-less relationships.