No Where to Go, and Having Difficulty Getting Professional Support

[her_indoors43]

ok im looking at the bulldog pic off this ptsd site.....i reckon he looks like he is 'blowing it out his arse'........who votes for that on the front of the tshirt.......(is it copyrighted the bulldog pic anthony)....... and on front maybe you should have......saw someone with this id....

ptsd_off or maybe anthony will let you use the web address copy righted persmision of course...

ptsd.org tho i like the ptsd_off.....with the bulldog pic and blow it out your arese on the back....and can i have a tshirt too.....or blow it out your arse ..under the pic of bulldog..that be better......with the ptsd_off up top of it.....i want one..............:clap:

 

[ANCHOR]

Hey...If we get a T-shirt for the forum....

I plan on running my first 5k marathon this summer...I have been debating on what to put on my T-shirt because I know I am not really driven to run...I am running for those of us that can't get a f**king break from society...So I want it to be loud and clear, what my cause is...

But I am not sure what that is exactly! LOL! My list of traumas:

Touched inappropriately pre-12.
Treated like an object by men in my life and at work for years.
Date-raped by sister's ex-best friends' ex boyfriend (and they still talk to each other, the girls)
Oh...and an exhibitionist pulled a car next to me and masturbated when I was 23...I was mortified
And when I was hospitalized for depression ANOTHER EXHIBITIONIST DID IT AGAIN!
Domestic violence/abuse (and this is a volume in itself)

So I am confused...do I run for PTSD sufferers?
Do I run for rape victims/sexual assault/whatever...as this is so close to me...
Do I run for domestic violence...as I think this is actually more accepted by the general public, i.e. politically correct...

So if you guys come up with one for the forum...I WILL WEAR IT WITH PRIDE!:rofl:

No really, I WILL WEAR IT! :Hug_emoticon:

 

[trapped]

Anchor- THANK YOU!!! Really, that list you typed out of everything I was doing well, REALLY helped. Especially as my T called me, I didn't answer it (I'm gonna be rehersing all night "blow it out your arse biatch, just blow it out your arse..."). She did at least change the time we were supposed to meet back to our original time (which is good... the last minute change in time, which she only wanted so she didn't have to come in so early or something, cuz I'd be her first appointment, then she'd have another RIGHT after me, this way though I won't be rushed out in case I'm not in a safe place... not that I ever want to go over the standard clinical hour time slot or constantly anticipate not being safe at the end, but when I can manage to not have someone else immediately seeing her after I do, I prefer that if I have that option- so that I won't feel as guilty if I do need to take an extra 10 minutes or whatever, so that I feel like I can be honest if I'm not feeling safe).

I'm gonna be practicing quite a bit tonight I think... blow it out your arse, biatch... yeah, Darwin is definitely coming with me tomorrow. Well- I definitely WANT to bring Darwin with me tomorrow. That's okay, if I end up bringing him, right? Even if I know it's going to piss her off a bit? Here's part of a recent email from the director of the residential program I want to go to: "You have been dealing with a stressful situation, with changing therapists, the hospitalization, difficulties with your doctor, etc. It seems like it is overwhelming, and of course it is. You are (by your personality) so concerned about doing the wrong thing, and disappointing everyone that you're living under almost constant stress. You need to promise me that when you come here, you'll be concerned with yourself primarily, make this [Trapped]-time!! That's why you're coming, so be "selfish" about it, and enjoy it! It isn't your job to make everyone else happy, you can't and that's too much pressure on you." So I know that she'd say that it doesn't matter if bringing Darwin disappoints or even pisses off my therapist... but I need to know that I just didn't happen to get lucky and end up with the nicest person in the world as the director of this program I'm trying to go to... and because she knows I need reminders, she sent me another email this weekend "I think I said this in a recent e-mail, but I want you to do your best NOT to strive to be perfect and make everyone happy while you're here. It's not your job! Taking care of YOU is, and even though people in your life have treated you like you're not worthy, you are." I know if I asked her what to do, she would say bring Darwin. I guess I feel guilty about wanting Darwin with me tomorrow though, because I'm afraid that my therapist will want to "discuss" my letter and everything else first before she agrees to any of it. I was going to give her the letter early in the morning. I'm now thinking I'll hand it to her as I'm walking out, and add to it one more thing tonight, which is going to be for her to call me to schedule another session after she's read it, if she'll agree to all the conditions I'm asking for so that I'll feel safe coming back. I was going to want her to read it first, but we'd spend the whole session just talking about that, and I want her to have time to process the letter and everything, not just read it and then see me and react to me based off of the immediate emotions she feels... I guess I feel guilty though, like I should give her the chance to discuss with me why she does or does not want to agree to the terms I outlined in my letter, but then if I don't bring Darwin tomorrow, that may cause her to think there's room to negotiate everything I'm trying to stand up to her saying that I need... I just don't want to be disrespectful either.

 

[trapped]

her- I agree about the dog! It would be perfect... I came up with another design, but like the dog better... I'll have to ask Anthony if I can use it. I'm making a t-shirt for myself for tomorrow, but it's gonna be basic... but would love to make a better one with the dog if Anthony lets me.

I've been chatting in the chat room with Cate, who is in for wearing a shirt that says "Blow it out your arse, biatch!" Come on- who else is in?

I've got a nasty ear infection and it hurts. Not only is my T going to have to deal with Darwin tomorrow, she's gonna have to deal with me wearing PJ's (all I need help with is deciding this one thing: carebears, or boo boo bear? Thumper is in my dirty laundry, or else I'd just wear him) and also wearing my Freudian SLIPpers (they are slippers that look like Sigmund Freud, and if I wiggle my toes, his tongue moves so I can make him talk)... if she has a problem with it, Dr Freud himself will be given a voice (which just by chance may happen to sound like mine) and he'll be telling her to blow it out her arse... my friend is trying to talk me out of the pj's and slippers at least, she says my poor therapist is going to feel like she's dealing with a rebellious f-ing teenager... my response to that was along the lines of "tough shit... my ear hurts"... I'm a big baby when I get an ear infection (especially if I still have to go to therapy)

 

[ANCHOR]

My fourth therapist finally helped....

I went through four different therapists before I found the women's shelter and their programs. The first one was OK but I wasn't ready to understand my mental state yet. So I put myself through more trauma. The second one treated me for alcoholism after a nervous breakdown. Told me I was admitted to the hospital with alcohol in my system. I pulled my medical records...I was still very hazy and foggy after my breakdown...but pissed enough to humiliate myself in any way to get the info I needed...found the urinalysis which read negative for alcohol...called the office and told everyone my counselor had lied to me and I want another counselor. THEY MADE ME TALK TO HER! I told her I didn't appreciate that she lied to me...she patronized me about being in denial...I mentioned my records and the proof I had in my hands..."Um...let me call you back in a bit." And if I ever see that "born again recovered alcoholic bitch" I know exactly what I am going to say to her:

BLOW IT OUT YOUR ARSE BIATCH!!!:rofl:

MY third counselor was her boss...but I was in the low income office...so they did not have groups specifically for sexual abuse...so, I got married and proceeded to become a Domestic Violence case... I gave up on the counselors at this office and their psych.

I ended up at the women's shelter about 7 months later...desperate for something kind...gentle...anything... I didn't know how to behave they were so nice. They didn't judge me...didn't push me...they rewarded me with positive attention when I shared what I thought I needed to be safe. I still attend groups there. I am learning a LOT about BOUNDARIES and I love sharing this info. I really love it.

Anyway, I really hope you get into the program you mentioned. It sounds good. I have read cases where therapists get made fun of by their supervisors or co-therapists if they cater to a patients' needs too much if it seems irrational or too immature. The most passionate therapists about helping PTSD sufferers will often tell their patients...look, this is unconventional but I trust that you need this "thing" to feel more comfortable so as long as we can just keep this between you and me, I will go along with it because it may help you. In every case, that therapist that took a risk with his patient had a breakthrough because that patient was able to trust again...so follow your NOW VERY WISE INSTINCTS if you continue to feel dissatisfied with your therapist. Because there is still descrimination in the industry here and there, even among the doctors! :crazy:

It doesn't work without trust...just like any other relationship on earth...even the forum. And I'm for carebears...and if she says anthing other than...well, I guess you have had a rough time lately and probably need to feel cuddly so I don't see the harm in you being you when you feel icky...

Well: BLOW IT OUT YOUR ARSE BIATCH!!!:rofl:

And this is the book I read with all the cases in it:

Trauma & Recovery - From domestic violence to political terror - By Judith Herman (It's a slow read...but I couldn't concentrate much anyway so I had the time...totally worth it, though...my PTSD bible.):Hug_emoticon:

And thanks for giving me a place/thread to finally get my own anger out! :occasion:

 

[ANCHOR]

Lmao....this is theraputic!...had to type it again!

And if I ever see that "born again recovered alcoholic bitch" I know exactly what I am going to say to her:

BLOW IT OUT YOUR ARSE BIATCH!!!:rofl:

 

[trapped]

And if I ever see that "born again recovered alcoholic bitch" I know exactly what I am going to say to her:

BLOW IT OUT YOUR ARSE BIATCH!!!:rofl:

LOL good job Anchor!

 

[Mina]

I'm in for a t-shirt!

 

[trapped]

:occasion:

:hello: I'm super giddy right now. :kiss:

Today was the BEST therapy session EVER. EVER.

Darwin came. My T's supervisor checked me in. She instantly threw a fit about Darwin- I thought it'd be funny to have Darwin hand her the money for the payment when she checked me in. That was even more fun, since it got her more riled up. She asked why I had a stuffed animal. I said "because from now on, Darwin is accompanying me to every appointment"... she tried to ask me "don't you think it's a bit inappropriate to bring him anywhere with you, given you're 24 years old, and not 4 years old?" To which my response was...

"No, I don't. He helps me cope, and makes me more comfortable. Taking handfuls of xanax at a time because of how anxious I feel coming in, having a drink before and/or after I leave, those types of behaviors would be inappropriate. Darwin isn't hurting anyone- he's actually HELPING me, and all of us really since if he helps me, it's gonna make your job a hell of a lot easier, so that the next time you go out and drink too much and have a f-ing hangover, you won't have to worry about being an unprofessional biatch when I call like I was told to. So, I'm sorry if Darwin makes YOU uncomfortable, but those are your own issues and insecurities being stirred up, and my advice about that is that it's going to be best for you to just take YOUR issues that you have with it and Blow them out your arse, biatch, because Darwin comes, case closed, end of discussion."

Then I looked at my T, who was standing there listening to all this with this shocked look on her face (which I wish I could have taken a pic of) and said "oh yes, I'd still love a diet coke, thank you."

She got me my diet coke, we went into her office, she was clenching her jaw because of me having Darwin, but after a minute was finally able to take a breath and relax, said in some ways she was sorta impressed by the speech I gave to her supervisor, and she didn't want me to tell her to blow it out her arse, so she didn't hassle me about having Darwin... and even admitted at the end that the session did go more smoothly than normal... yes, biatch, it's because the monkey helps, so just deal with it being something that helps! It's OKAY for an adult to find comfort in a stuffed animal. It's OKAY that it makes me open up more in therapy, and makes me less resistant and rebellious and more compliant.

I didn't give her the letter I wrote. I plan to stop by tomorrow or the next day and give it to her, but i want to re-write it. I was going to hand it to her at the end of the session, but decided not to. I decided not to because after our conversation today, there's a lot that I felt I could take out of the letter, or reword, since my therapist and I had a great session and really got along... I still do think there's important stuff in the letter and I think it's important for her to have it- but I want to change the tone of it, get a couple people to read it for me to give me feedback, and then drop it off in the next day or two.

I'm going to go celebrate with a quick swim in the pool :)

 

[Mina]

DAY-UM!!! :eek: I got goosebumps reading that - I am SO impressed - awesome job!!! :thumbs-up Go, Trapped!!!!! :clap:

By the way, that's hilarious about having Darwin pay for the session... :rofl: Wish I could have seen the look on her face! And I'm glad to hear the session went so well!

 

[trapped]

DAY-UM!!! :eek: I got goosebumps reading that - I am SO impressed - awesome job!!! :thumbs-up Go, Trapped!!!!! :clap:

By the way, that's hilarious about having Darwin pay for the session... :rofl: Wish I could have seen the look on her face! And I'm glad to hear the session went so well!

lol thanks Mina! Honestly, I'm kind of still in shock with myself... I hadn't planned on giving that big long speech... one of my instructors who has an office above my T's, went in to his office early, he knew I had the appointment today and was stressed, he was glad I brought Darwin, he saw me before my appointment and said to come up to see him after if I needed to if things didn't go well. I thought I'd have to go up and see him and that I'd be a wreck when I did- totally the opposite though! I was expecting myself to cave like I usually do and be too afraid to stand up for myself, and kept just trying to give myself a pep talk before I walked in the door.... then that big long speech came out of my mouth. I didn't tell them this, but after I just stood there for a second, and my only thought was "did I really just say that? I never thought I'd be capable of doing something like that!"

 

[Freddy_hiding_less]

Good work and it seems like a good enough therapist! /Freddy