Non-spoken about past after therapy

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm not really sure where, on the forum this belongs. Symptoms or therapy. It's about both. So, please move where approprate.

This has happened to me the last two therapy sessions is it's getting quite tiring and annoying and I'm not sure how to deal.

The last two therapy sessions we spoke about present things. How my week was. How work is. How pain has been. Chopper's training (which we always reflect on every week. Both Drs are very invloved in service dog training). But, present day things. After both sessions, the past has come up in a flood of flashbacks, disocciation, and just overall insanity. I've never had this happen where we didn't talk about the past but the past comes up and literally cripples me for days. It's really annoying as I already have increased pain (which could be playing a part as pain was a large part of my past) that's sending me backwards but this. This mental crap is sending me a very large tailspin down that I cannot get a handle on. I try DBT, CBT, self care, I try to give thoughts and feelings room. Try to let them pass. They won't. Try to name them. Can't seem to. Try to place them. I'm trying every tool I know of and have or can google and it's just not working. I can say that my "inner child" has a large part in it. I have a feeling it has to do with my dad. He's pretty much cut me out of his life completely now. My MOD on youtube says he's an ass that I need to block but my inner child went nuts inside at the thought and that's made it all worse. Not sure why I think it has something to do with him. I can't place it but very young (under age 6), super foggy memories have been trying to surface for about a month or so. Just quick things, pieces, that I can't make much sense of yet other then they are very young. My mom is in them so maybe this has to do with her. I'm not sure but they are before my step dad came into the picture. More gentle ones of her that are opposite of everything I remember about her. Honestly, I can't make much of it other then the feelings really.

Has anyone have this issue where the past comes flooding back after therapy, even if not spoken about in session? Why does this happen and better, what have you done with it to help? Help you function better faster? It's really starting to effect not just that day but days and I need to work and usually I can "feel young" but be an adult and that is starting to be harder to do. My therapist and I have discussed DID. I don't fit the criteria because these sectioned off pieces of me don't take over (that I know of but I do loose memory when I heavily disocciate and have no idea what happens in those times) but my therapist and I have discussed sort of a milder form of DID. Not in a dignosis sort of way but just in a treatment sort of way.

Anyway, when these pieces of me (I have no name for them but in DID they would be alters) I feel them in the foreground but I could always still drive, work, pay bills...be an adult at the same time. That's what's getting harder and I'm not sure why or why this past crap is flooding me when I hadn't spoken about it. So, I guess this is a twofolded sort of question. I'm not even sure what I'm asking or if I'm making sense. I guess if anyone can relate and has any advise. I'm open to anything.

There is a protector that's also surfacing. A very angry protector. I'm struggling at work with how I'm speaking to customers and this time it's not anxiety. It's this protector. A wall goes up and I have no idea what I'm saying. I've had that issue in the past but have since learned that's the protector. It happens any time I feel unsafe. Very angry and bitterness comes out that's just not me. Or how I am. I have said things that I have no idea why I'd say. Has happened a lot online. And, I believe, it's why I was gone so long from here. Here wasn't safe because here is where the past is discussed. Which makes this past flooding way more confusing.

I honestly could have DID. I don't know but do know I currently don't fit the criteria but my therapist says the therapy is the same nonetheless.

Anyway, I'm rambling at this point. Any ideas? This is throwing me on my ass for days and I need to figure out how to still function.

 

[MyWillow]

Ugh. Me too. My sessions are heavily focused on the NOW but I am getting smashed by flashbacks and nightmares. Most of which I can’t make sense of except that I DO NOT want them to reflect reality. I still can’t believe I say this but I’ve been doing yoga for 30 min every morning. It just helps me balance out after a shitty night’s sleep. Like an anchor in a wild storm.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

yoga

Oh god do I miss yoga! No chance in hell I could do any at this point. Even changed ones. I still have yoga DVDs but gave up years ago trying to get into even slight positions. Not happening. But man do i miss it!

 

[MyWillow]

Oh god do I miss yoga! No chance in hell I could do any at this point. Even changed ones. I still have yoga DVDs but gave up years ago trying to get into even slight positions. Not happening. But man do i miss it!

I do a Trauma Sensitive Yoga class. Whole different ball game. Just sitting and rotating your wrists counts.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Huh! Will have to look into that @MyWillow! Thanks!

 

[scout86]

The past and the present are connected. The way I understand it, they are even more connected than usual when the present reminds you of traumatic memories. So, for example, when someone in the present reminds me of the past, in an unfortunate way, I might respond to them in a way that would have made sense THEN but is out of proportion now. The other thing is, maybe there's some stuff you don't remember that somehow feels "safe" to work its way to the surface now.

Here's a link for you on the yoga. I first heard about this outfit regarding a guy with ALS who was going there. If they can adapt to a guy who can barely move at all, they might have something that works for you. I don't know if there's a program anywhere near you, but there might be. Adaptive Yoga: Mind Body Solutions - Minnetonka, Minnesota, USA : NCHPAD - Building Inclusive Communities

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Here's a link for you on the yoga. I first heard about this outfit regarding a guy with ALS who was going there. If they can adapt to a guy who can barely move at all, they might have something that works for you. I don't know if there's a program anywhere near you, but there might be. Link Removed

I'll check it out.

So, for example, when someone in the present reminds me of the past, in an unfortunate way, I might respond to them in a way that would have made sense THEN but is out of proportion now.

Yeah, but this is different. Maybe i'm not explaining it right. It's hard to explain. Like, ok you're talking about I'm super familuar with. Like when I first joined the site. That would be what you are saying here. But this is more disocciative. More in my head and can't get out to function half way decent or even do things I'm already used to doing. Not even asking myself for more but it's not able to do anything and way more child-like or anger filled and spiteful. It's way closer to DID then I've ever been as I have always remained in control of myself...until now. My consciousness does 't fully go away but it dims way more. I'm not sure what"s triggering it or how to stop it or at least function while it's happening.

Def memories surfacing and have been for a while now. But its the same foggy few in a loop which dont connect and by thrmselves in tiny pieces make no sense. The only thing I can think is I'm disocciating deeper because of the surfacing memory. Normally Chopper could help me ground but theres no grounding from this. It's constant. It just switches "insiders", if you will. This one is the most clear of them all but it's younger of them all and that takes my functioning level to pretty much nil.

Ugh!

 

[grit]

HI lostforgottensoul,
I hope you found some relief since you posted this. Your post was like honestly if I wrote it my own early this year.

I hope I make sense but I want to say few things. First, if you have not already, please read a book called Haunted self by couple of Dutch doctors...I cannot recall their names. It is a great book on dissociation and it saved my life. I actually learned how to self-soothe which BTW, no one can do it for anyone. We supposed to learn this from our parents when we are really young so it is hard one but maybe you figure it out now.

I know you said that you are talking about NOW but flooded by the past so in fact, you are not in the now then. The flooded affects mean you are either dissociating already, living in the trauma but you must be extremely lucky to have the genetics that can make you still do everything while you are actually simultaneously here and yesterday at the same time. You must survive for a long time with this trauma and adapted quite well to be able to do this but you are reaching a breaking point.

IMHO, it is important you have one person you can trust outside of therapy to help you keep up with the reality while you work with therapist. I also recommend you tell what you wrote here to therapist and come up with safety plan just in case you need. I find speaking about safe plan sort of soothe my inner child. Your inner child or multiple parts of self are feeling extremely threatened (this threat can be just extreme psychological fear real or perceived from your childhood) and afraid and you are experiencing huge amount of terror and you are miraculously holding up. You are really strong. And I hate when people, even my therapist said this to me but honestly you are strong to hold up this when feeling like this.

To me it is obvious that your parents failed you (maybe naturally but you did not obviously processed that experience appropriately) or maybe you were violated. Your inner child is crying out loud and until you seriously and consciously acknowledge and sing, soothe your physical body, cry and call her, she(you as a child) will keep creating havoc. You need to grieve seriously.

During my crisis similar to yours, I would wake up at 5am (I have a dog to walk) and would cry my heart out and sing to my inner child in the park. I did not care if anyone heard me.

I wrote a little song that made me cry with deep sorrow to see my inner child and I felt such a relief when my body connected.
Whatever creative pursuit that works for you is fine too.

Please take care of yourself.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

please read a book called Haunted self by couple of Dutch doctors...I cannot recall their names. It is a great book on dissociation and it saved my life.

I'll check it out. I disocciate deeply often. Actually was one of the main reasons my therapist and I decided I needed a service dog. I was moving from one place to another without memory of how I got there. One of those places an active train track (the Sunrail though Amtrack goes way faster through here and without stopping but the point is it's super active. Noticed they put up an 8 foot ish high chain link fense the other day due to suicide by train).

Chopper is trained to alert that I'm about to disocciate (specific way to alert me that is different then his other alerts so I know to sit where I am), do deep pressure therapy, or lead me to an exit or a ton of other things that help. It's just when it's constant and non-stop that's the issue.

You must survive for a long time with this trauma and adapted quite well to be able to do this but you are reaching a breaking point.

You have no idea how long 12 yrs counting on my fingers.

And I don't doubt one bit that I'm at a breaking point. Feels that way anyway.

To me it is obvious that your parents failed you

You have no idea.

Your inner child is crying out loud

Always! Never ending screams, sobs, and tantraums while huddled in a dark cover in my head where she stays. I've tried to intise her out. She refuses. She comes to the forground when she wante to. On her terms. But she's always screaming.

until you seriously and consciously acknowledge and sing, soothe your physical body, cry and call her, she(you as a child) will keep creating havoc. You need to grieve seriously.

I just don't know if I can give her what she wants or needs. I don't know if the protector part will let me. I try and I get hit with walls. I cant get to her. I play with kids toys (legos being my favorite) and that she seems to like. I do child like things. Watch children's movies (I try to stick with Pixar as adult me likes Pixar movies too). But, as far as talking to her, comforting her, I have no idea if I can do that. If I try and am not met with walls then other times I try and am met with flashbacks and just a flood of my past that then spin me on my ass and keep me sitting in the dark bathroom (I retreat to the dark where I feel safe) for days due to wanting to feel safe. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong or not doing right.

I do need to grieve. That I haven't done yet. I need to grieve the mom my inner child needed and is screaming for, the dad my inner child needed and is screaming for (and why I can't seem to block him) and the childhood my inner child never got to have. But how do you even start that process. Especially when you have no controled access to this inner child?

ETA: As to crying, well, that I've not been able to do since I was 7. I can't even force out a tear. I often wonder how long it'll be until I can cry and when I do...when will I stop? Will it be a relief or will it hurt like all hell?

 

[joeylittle]

I do need to grieve. That I haven't done yet. I need to grieve the mom my inner child needed and is screaming for, the dad my inner child needed and is screaming for (and why I can't seem to block him) and the childhood my inner child never got to have. But how do you even start that process. Especially when you have no controled access to this inner child?

Can you put this work at the forefront of what you are doing in therapy? It sounds like the day-to-day stuff, while never easy, is a little more under control right now. So, with that stabilized, it might be a good time to work more on these trauma-focused issues.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@joeylittle, I totally can. I brought up and talked a bit about the memories that are surfacing but my therapist did take note of how long it's been that I brought up my trauma in therapy. I think you're right. I wasn't stablized before and tend to go tailspinning when talking about my trauma. Now more stable and in a really great place with Chopper, maybe it time to really do trauma work now. I have to be honest. Been a bit scared to bring it back up. Scared it will destablize me but I do need to trust that I have learned enough skills that I can keep myself stable will digging into my trauma.

Joined the DBT & CBT group last night. Hoping that more focus there will help to keep me stable. Maybe ESP? LOL!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I read this entire thread to my therapist. He said we can do EMDR around my trauma. He really likes EMDR and my MOD on youtube has a bunch of degrees in the psychology field. Enough that she could have been a therapist but she didn't want to go that direction and ended up a professor. I could go dig out her creditials but it really doesn't matter. She doesn't like EMDR. I could dig out why as well and I may but it's planted a seed of doubt in my head about EMDR. A bit of worry as well all based on my last reaction. I know that I wasn't ready back then and my therapist will take a different approach. He mentioned a few months back that we may want to do EMDR about my dad. To sort of hit the trauma sideways instead of head on due to my last reaction. But, this has placed a curve ball in it and I think now he wants to do it on both my dad and my mom...and the childhood I didn't have.

He also said that to love and be loved is a basic human need. It's like humans needing salt to live or air to live. That it's a need. Has nothing to do with deserving it or worthy of it. He used to example of the worst thing for Chopper to eat would be chocolate. That the best thing for him to eat would be raw meat (going off of what I said as he asked what would be the best thing for him to eat). That his body his just made to need raw meat but if I fed him just chocolate all the time he would get sick, maybe be lathagic (if not dead), maybe irritable, wouldn't sleep well, would act strange. He said that though I would thrive best on "raw meat" (to love and be loved), my mom and step dad shoved "chocolate" (opposite of to love and be loved), down my throat for years on end. He said that doesn't change basic need of "raw meat" (to love and be loved). He said that if I can grasp that we are just build to need to love and be loved (deserving and worthy not in the picture as it's more basic and bigger then that) then the grieving will start on it's own.

He writes things on the back of his business cards for me. Some are on my fridge. This is today's "Loving and being loved is essencial to healthy living. It is much bigger then "deserving" to be loved or "being worthy of" love.

My "protecter" "insider" is getting angry. Blocking it and numbing me out. Was going in and out of disocciation the entire session. This is where all the pain is and "it'" not allowing me to go there. I tried so hard all of my 20s to get this need to love and be loved met with my family and about a hundred people online. All abandoned me so it feels like it beat me down where I don't even try anymore. My therapist said that it is why "deserving" and "worthy of" is so strong but I need to get my mind around that it has nothing to do with that. He also said let the protector get angry. It's a part of me and anger is a part of grieving. But, I don't even know if I can go there. There seems to be such a bloackaid there. Maybe that's why EMDR about it terrifies me so much? I don't know but I am a big mess after today's session due to this. I just don't want to go there. It was easier to distract and pretend the past didn't happen again. Ugh! Does this ever get easier?