Nonomonogamy

[rightkindofme]

I am not going to get specific, because this isn't the forum for that. But I was wondering if other people here had experience with not being able to stay monogamous. Everything in my life is on the up and up. I don't lie. But I have conflicting feelings about what my behavior means about my life and my mental illness.

Yeah. Anyone else?

 

[Friday]

Monogamy was not something I was interested in the first time my symptoms got really bad.

Actually, self control of any kind wasn't something I was interested in.

For me, that was my bottom line. Eat, drink, be merry... For tomorrow we may die.

There were other pieces that went into it (no self control); sex, fighting, etc. are all super-duper grounding for me, so they majorly moderated my symptoms; major trust issues; emotional issues; control issues; etc. And those were / are important. But the living every day as if it's your last? Sounds good. Lives badly. I was very, very wild for a long time. First because I had no self control. And then because I didn't want it.

I gradually did learn self control, because there were -eventually- things that I wanted in my life, and they required self control in order to get them. But it took quite some time to learn the first time around, and then the second time around it was just as hard to relearn it. Although, to be fair, I've gone about relearning self control completely differently this time. Instead of just saying f*ck it and going full tilt boogie, I threw on the breaks completely. With both I've had to work my way slowly towards the middle. The other way was faster and a lot more fun. This way creates one whole helluva lot less wreckage.

***

As far as monogamy as a sociocultural construct? I've spent far too much time in cultures where 1:1 isn't the natural order of things, to view 1:1 as the natural order of things ;) What I've come to believe, however, is that without the cultural norms backing up individual practice? "Good luck with that." Meaning it may not be impossible, but it is exceptionally difficult to maintain, much less establish. I think there are probably several norms in which I could be happy, though. As long as my bottom line/ personal preferences/ need-wants in a relationship are met. And that? That's the hard part! Regardless of whether it's monogamy, or polygyny, or polyandry, or casual dating, or f*ckbuddies, or whatever. Like minds & like hearts, aligning need/wants.

 

[rightkindofme]

I've been married for 10 years. When we met we each had other primary partners. We go through long stretches of monogamy where we work on relationship stuff.

The problem comes up because I was uhhh massively more experienced before we married. I miss my friends who helped me gain that experience. They are still mostly in my life.

It was four years of monogamy this round. Now I have dates set up with six people over the next few weeks. I'm not sure that it is a complete lack of self control (I'm working around my schedule as a home schooling parent and talk about restrictions) so much as I feel empty. I need someone or something to be pouring energy into me instead of just requiring that I be pouring energy out to take care of them.

I'm exercising more consistently, eating better, and sleeping better because I'm enjoying the 'hunting' so much. I feel guilty for needing this so much but it gives me so much oomph for getting through everything else.

My husband isn't thrilled because that's a lot of dates. If it were one date and one person he wouldn't mind. But after this last stretch I'm done doing without the things he can't do. So I messaged friends.

 

[EveHarrington]

Interesting.

I think we need to be true to who we are while not hurting those we love. (When at all possible.)

I can see both sides. I've been on the sexually deprived side and it's maddening. A lifetime of "without" (something I want/need). Ohhhh no. I'd go batty!

I hope this thread grows. I'd like to hear other views too.

 

[rightkindofme]

Anyone else?

I went out on a first date with someone last night. It went ridiculously well and coming home was better.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

Now I have dates set up with six people over the next few weeks. I'm not sure that it is a complete lack of self control (I'm working around my schedule as a home schooling parent and talk about restrictions) so much as I feel empty. I need someone or something to be pouring energy into me instead of just requiring that I be pouring energy out to take care of them.

I'm exercising more consistently, eating better, and sleeping better because I'm enjoying the 'hunting' so much. I feel guilty for needing this so much but it gives me so much oomph for getting through everything else.

I'm genuinely curious what your reaction would be if he replied to your statement of wanting to do this by saying he is going to do that as well. What I mean by that is going on the same amount of dates with women, same analogous activities, and say/show/feel that he is "enjoying the hunt", and "needs this".

 

[rightkindofme]

Err, he is wrapping up his current outside project and planning to do that. We come home from dates and trade stories. We go to sex parties together and discuss our successful pick ups. Yup. We do that.

 

[Lucycat]

'Nonomonogamy' - I'm not being funny but did you make the word up? I googled it as it is a term I had never heard and the only use of the word linked straight back to this thread.

I must confess before I opened the thread I assumed 'nono' to mean nine so I was thing of a group relationship thing.

Anyway I agree with others - as long as there is no deceit involved then do what you are comfortable with.

 

[rightkindofme]

Whoops. Uhm that's a typo. Non monogamy.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

Err, he is wrapping up his current outside project and planning to do that. We come home from date...

So you are both just into that kind of thing. Got it.

 

[rightkindofme]

Us both being into this is pretty much how we met. :)

It would be an incredibly problematic thing for me to be married to someone who wasn't into this.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

Us both being into this is pretty much how we met. :)

It would be an incredibly problematic thing...

The original post seemed to imply he wasn't interested in your activities is why I was curious. Now I am more curious about the full purpose of the original post.