Not Being Able To Study Due To Memories Of Trauma. Midterm Tomorrow.

[WSQ]

Last week was a really bad week for me. I saw people that I did not want to see and I saw things that I did not want to see and it really prevented me from studying for my midterm tomorrow.

Here's the back story of my trauma. Several years ago when I first started college my ex boyfriend and his best friend sexually abused me multiple times. When I told one of my friends about the incident and he confronted my abusers and my abusers said I was lying and I was doing this to getting attention. After that my abusers told all of my friends who were also his friends how I was lying and was doing this for attention and that I was a slut. That's how I lost all of my friends. None of my friends asked me for my side of the story and they took his words for it.

Now flash forward to about a month ago. I was president of a club at my school when my vice president was doing things behind my back to overthrow me. She told my club adviser who was also a very prestigious professor lies about me stealing money, how I was not listening to the other officers ideas, and how terrible I was running the club. The professor believed her over me. I again felt completely powerless and I felt like I was reliving my sexual abuse trauma all over again. When I found out about this situation and that the professor did not listen to me or hear my side of the story, the first thing I did to myself was I cut myself. My therapist help me write a resignation letter to get me out of the club because she knew it would not be good for my health and my fragile state.

Now to this past week, I was riding the bus minding my own business when I saw one of my vice president's henchmen who was also part of the plan of trying to overthrow me. He and my former vice president are very good friends and now both he and her are co-president of the club I use to run. When I got off the bus I ran straight to the bathroom at school and cradled myself and cried because I was reminded of the club that I loved so much that I was a part of for over 3 years and I was also reminded about my sexual abuse. Few days after that encounter, I was trying to delete everything that reminded me of the club that was on my computer. When it came down to deleting the clubs site off my bookmark, I accidentally clicked onto the clubs site and I saw things that I did not want to see. All the pictures and memory and everything and my name no longer as president. I again broke down crying reminded by all the trauma.

I was not able to study because of all of this was going on this past week. I was lying in my bed moping and crying and sleeping more than I should because I felt sleeping was better than my reality. Well the good thing is today I was able to get my psychatrist to write me a note today to excuse me for the exam tomorrow, but still I really don't like asking people to do things for me and I don't like missing an exam. I sometimes wish I was able to just go through and be able to study without all this trauma bothering me.

 

[FaerieJayne]

As someone who has been through trauma, relived the trauma after coming in contact with certain people and situations, and had to deal with exams, I totally know how you feel.

The best thing for you to do is decide what is best for you. What are the consequences for you if you are excused from the exam? Would it be worth to give it a go and still hand the note in for them to take into consideration when they mark it? Or, is it better to go and see the school counsellor and talk about what you can do?

I ended up sitting the exam; however, straight after the exam I applied for impaired performance and my therapist wrote a letter. That way they saw I was trying hard, and took into account my situation.

Try not to be too hard on yourself at this time. Reliving trauma like that is extremely difficult, and you deserve all the rejuvenation and relaxation you can get.

You can message me any time if you need to talk. Gentle hug for you.

 

[WSQ]

Thank you FaerieJayne. It is very comforting to know that there is someone that is there for me. I defiantly will contact you. Thank you again and gentle hug back to you too.

 

[Nighteyes]

I relate to this in my own way.

Schooling though a blessing for me as it took me away from the abusers, and distracted my mind, caused a great deal of pain as well.

Its very common to have issues studying and even attending classes sometimes when your at a low point.

You can only try your best. Sometimes talking to a professor about your issues with studying my help. you are in college not high-school after all. Adults are aloud to have bad days.

I had many while attending college, many.

the stupidest things can set you off and make your body enter the fight or flight fix.

I'm sorry things didn't go well with your club, but be proud you handled it in a way better way then most.

Take some time to heal from this one, and eventually you'll find another club or even the same one once things calm down to participate in.

Sorry if I am of little help, I just know how it feels to not be able to focus when studying for major things and then feeling worse because of the poor test taking that you know you could have done better on which in my case set me off some more.

 

[WSQ]

Sorry if I am of little help, I just know how it feels to not be able to focus when studying for major things and then feeling worse because of the poor test taking that you know you could have done better on which in my case set me off some more.

You have nothing to be sorry about. I thought you were helpful. I am glad to have someone that understands me. How have you been able to cope with these things while going to school? I am still trying to figure out ways on how to deal with over reacting when I see a certain stimulus. I thank you for being able to express how you feel and being able to relate to me.

 

[Nighteyes]

Well, I’m not in school anymore. I graduated, oddly enough near the top of my class, despite having one of the most stressful life events happen while in the most important career clinical. Sadly that didn’t help in gaining employment and I am now waiting to hear if I was accepted to go back to school for nursing.

To get through school I really had to focus, which was hard. I had to constantly remind myself of why I was doing it, and what the rewards will be in the end (which I am still waiting for those rewards by the way). Studying was a challenge. I had to isolate myself from others and just focus on my task. I’d often utilize the library or quite study rooms my college had to offer. I’d avoid trying to study at home cause it just didn’t work.

I was in a medical related program so talking to some of my professors and explaining my focus issues and a little bit about my situation helped (without stating I had C-PTSD and all that). I was also aloud if wanted to write test and exams in a private room to prevent anxiety from watching others finish before me and such.

I also found flash cards very helpful as I could study simple points anytime and anywhere. As well as taking frequent breaks during my all night cram sessions. As well, joining a study group helped as I was able to study while not studying kind of thing.
I had to really try my best and remind myself that I was getting this education for me, and it isn’t fair to let my abusers or anyone prevent me from getting this. It wouldn’t be fair to myself to allow myself to fail, because if I failed they won, they’d have gotten to me and made their impression on everything.

My old therapist once talked about a movie (not sure which one) an old western were a man rapes another man’s wife, and upon leaving he makes a comment “I bet you’ll never forget me know” and to his horror the survivor responded with “Once you are gone, I will think of you no more”. I think of that line often. As thinking about the abusers give them the power to hurt you again. So as the line says while dealing with schooling, think of them no more, and do what YOU need to do to succeed.

 

[devildoc130]

So I know exactly how you feel...I have PTSD and I'm studying (which is really not working haha) for my E4 exam. It is this Thursday. I've been having really bad flashbacks this whole week and my nightmares keep me up until 3 or 4 am. It's a struggle to study. I ussually look at the paper for a few minutes then stare off into the distance.

I've also been experiencing very bad memory lose and the "hangover" feeling when I wake up in the morning. (which is normal for me. I've been on 7 different medications for almost 2 years now. 6 for PTSD and 1 for Chronic Shoulder Pain. Due to a military injury.) It's like I wake up and have no idea what I was studying the day before. So I just start from square one. Very frustrating.

 

[LhasaLover]

What strikes me about his post WSQ is the relational bullling and re-victimization by these irresponsible and destructive people around you. I wish this phenomena did not occur, but I know it well. It seems inevitable and social structures for people to take sides with the abuser, believing their convincing lies or colluding with them for power and/or opportunity.

I am so sorry you went through this, it is no wonder that you were crying! I'm glad that you are able to re-take your test when you feel better. It's getting to the point that I am not surprised when I see this behavior around people who have been abused, but tossing you aside as the scapegoat is not right.

You have people on this forum that will stand up for you, and your interests. Please take good care of yourself and one day these people will be far in your past, where they should be.

 

[timid]

Going through this too, find a quiet place and study, hang in there. You have to remember to be resilient like nighteyes has said, “Once you are gone, I will think of you no more”. You are stronger than you think. You can do it.