I've had a lot on my mind lately, Next month on August 25th will be one of the hardest days of my life and I don't feel mentally prepared for it.
August of 2006 me and my newlywed husband of only 4 months were beyond excited that we were going to be parents.:) We went to my first OB appointment and everything looked good, our due date was April 12,2007. Just 5 days before our first wedding anniversary. We were over the moon with excitement. I already had names picked out before we left his office. If we were having a girl her name would be Lexani Marie and if we were having a boy he would be named after my husband Joshua Allan. I called my aunt when we returned home and she had exciting news as well, She was also pregnant and her due date was in March :inlove: We talked about planning our baby showers together and how we were going to go shopping together and how our babies would be the best of friends.
Then a few weeks later my whole world came crashing down....:unsure:
I started to bleed and have cramping so my husband took me to the ER, I was told I was still pregnant and not to be to concerned because this sometimes happens. They sent me home and told me to follow up with my Dr. The bleeding came and went along with the cramps. I seen my Dr a few days later and he told me that I had most likely miscarried because they didn't see anything on ultrasound. We were getting ready to leave his office and my husband spoke up and mentioned my cramps ( I had forgotten all about them because they weren't really bothering me) My Dr. had me lay back and when he pushed on my stomach I burst into tears.
I was sent to the ER and they found out my baby was stuck in my right tube (ectopic) and that I would have to have surgery. I was completely devastated, the baby that we wanted so bad, the baby I had already loved so much was gone. They told my husband I wouldn't be going into surgery until 6pm that night when the Dr. closed his office. So my husband was gonna go home a get a shower and some things for me, not even 10 mins after he walks out the door, they come get me for surgery. I was scared and crying, I was so mad that they took me in without me being able to kiss my husband. :cry:
When I woke up from surgery I was in the most pain I had ever been in...(and I've had 60+ brain surgeries). I felt empty and alone. I had to stay in the hospital for almost a week. When I got to go home I was still in a lot of physical pain, the emotional pain was at bay. Until I decided to go to Wal-Mart, my so called friend was with us and she was saying that she was pregnant and started looking at baby stuff. Stupid me followed her into the baby section and it felt like I was hit by a Mac truck. I couldn't breathe, and I just broke down.:confused::eek:
February 2007 my cousin was born, I was happy to have such a beautiful baby in the family BUT I couldn't help but feel jealous and angry. I never told anyone my feelings and just kept it to myself.
Now coming up on 10 years and I feel more depressed and sad than I did back then, We were told that if we wanted to have any children we would have to do IVF or Adoption. We don't have money for either one so I feel like I will never get my rainbow. A few years ago I had a dream about my baby, he was a boy so we named him Ryan Christopher. I miss him so badly and wish he was still here with us. I miss his first smile, his first cry, first steps, first words....I could go on and on.
I feel as though I'm stuck on a damn merry-go-round that I can never get off.:(:unsure::bag::cry::notworthy::inpain:
August of 2006 me and my newlywed husband of only 4 months were beyond excited that we were going to be parents.:) We went to my first OB appointment and everything looked good, our due date was April 12,2007. Just 5 days before our first wedding anniversary. We were over the moon with excitement. I already had names picked out before we left his office. If we were having a girl her name would be Lexani Marie and if we were having a boy he would be named after my husband Joshua Allan. I called my aunt when we returned home and she had exciting news as well, She was also pregnant and her due date was in March :inlove: We talked about planning our baby showers together and how we were going to go shopping together and how our babies would be the best of friends.
Then a few weeks later my whole world came crashing down....:unsure:
I started to bleed and have cramping so my husband took me to the ER, I was told I was still pregnant and not to be to concerned because this sometimes happens. They sent me home and told me to follow up with my Dr. The bleeding came and went along with the cramps. I seen my Dr a few days later and he told me that I had most likely miscarried because they didn't see anything on ultrasound. We were getting ready to leave his office and my husband spoke up and mentioned my cramps ( I had forgotten all about them because they weren't really bothering me) My Dr. had me lay back and when he pushed on my stomach I burst into tears.
I was sent to the ER and they found out my baby was stuck in my right tube (ectopic) and that I would have to have surgery. I was completely devastated, the baby that we wanted so bad, the baby I had already loved so much was gone. They told my husband I wouldn't be going into surgery until 6pm that night when the Dr. closed his office. So my husband was gonna go home a get a shower and some things for me, not even 10 mins after he walks out the door, they come get me for surgery. I was scared and crying, I was so mad that they took me in without me being able to kiss my husband. :cry:
When I woke up from surgery I was in the most pain I had ever been in...(and I've had 60+ brain surgeries). I felt empty and alone. I had to stay in the hospital for almost a week. When I got to go home I was still in a lot of physical pain, the emotional pain was at bay. Until I decided to go to Wal-Mart, my so called friend was with us and she was saying that she was pregnant and started looking at baby stuff. Stupid me followed her into the baby section and it felt like I was hit by a Mac truck. I couldn't breathe, and I just broke down.:confused::eek:
February 2007 my cousin was born, I was happy to have such a beautiful baby in the family BUT I couldn't help but feel jealous and angry. I never told anyone my feelings and just kept it to myself.
Now coming up on 10 years and I feel more depressed and sad than I did back then, We were told that if we wanted to have any children we would have to do IVF or Adoption. We don't have money for either one so I feel like I will never get my rainbow. A few years ago I had a dream about my baby, he was a boy so we named him Ryan Christopher. I miss him so badly and wish he was still here with us. I miss his first smile, his first cry, first steps, first words....I could go on and on.
I feel as though I'm stuck on a damn merry-go-round that I can never get off.:(:unsure::bag::cry::notworthy::inpain:
