Not Functional

[Stickler]

I thought today was the 8th, so that I had until 10 pm tonight to do my online exam.
No, it was due yesterday. That probably means I made a mid-80's on it, it was easy...but...

I AM NOT FUNCTIONING.
I would say, put a reminder on my telephone, right? except I just lost my telephone, and the battery's dead, so no, I can't just call it.
I was tried on Risperdal and good grief that's bad stuff for me, it cleared my system as far as bad side effects on Saturday.
...So I turned in my exam...and I was going to go drive to someplace I could end my life at.
I started writing my suicide note, and the pens kept dying. I realized they were going to probably put all my animals to death...
Sadly enough, I thought about doing that myself prior to departure, it's kind of an awful thought, I have a number of animals that I'd have to have killed. They arrived and they depend on me..and I fantasize about having them killed. Bad. Bad.
I want to be dead really badly though.

...I am not bad enough to not work, and therefore get disability, but my functioning's not good enough to get a job that I can afford to actually pay all my expenses on. I'm very smart, but disorganized, and I have a hard time arriving early for work (a must).

If it were easier to get disability I would go for it, but it's not enough, nor would I get it. I wasn't making ends meet on $1400 a month, why would I on $700? I know someone more disabled than me who did not get it.

So...I can live on and burden my mom more or go be homeless? the latter is a scary thought.

Maybe if I could get someone to take the animals, because if I have them euthanized, I'm pretty much right behind them.

I don't see that I really have a workable long-term solution. It was college or nothing and I am failing.

I REALLY WANT to die anyway, to stop costing my mother money and to...just go home. I want to go home. I want to go where I can't hurt anymore.

 

[Calmpeace]

Responsibility has kept me on this earth too. I thought of a friend of mine and then realized I couldn't do that to her. Something I never realized till I saw someone else commit suicide, suicide hurt more people than I thought it would have. Also, it's expensive. So you would be a greater financial burden to your mom dead. Living is sometimes a cross we bear for other people. These are just thoughts. I don't know anything, but there are things worth living for. Keep looking. Also, do something else reckless besides suicide. I find that helps. Like spending money on a hobby or travel. Join the peace Corp. Throwing yourself forward is what it really is.

 

[Friday]

I.

Reality Check. 1 late assignment is not worth dying over.

Promise.

Spoiler: More On That

I have to do this all the time. Flip around my problem/solution, and apply it to the world at large to see how rational it is. Is it reasonable to shoot a student who turns in a late assignment as punishment? No. No it isn't. ((Well, how about 2 assignments? Can we break out the firing squad then? Or late to class? Or how about a stupid answer? When is it reasonable to line the tardy, absent, and failing students up and shoot them?)) if it's not reasonable for me -or anyone else- to start killing students who are making mistakes... It's also not reasonable to be killing myself over the same durn things.

I JUST did this last weekend. I f*cked something up, was late/missed something, and then a whole lot of triggery stress decided to plunk down and inform me that the only honorable thing to do at that point was eat my gun.

Because PAST = FUTURE = f*ckED
Noooooooooo. No it doesn't. (Yes / No / Yes / No) Aaaaaaaaargh.

FRIDAY = FAILURE, Well, fine, maybe that one. But I'm not allowed to die for being a failure. Which then invoked all my suicide rules. (Like if Im going to die it has to be doing something useful, and before I do that I have to be willing to -and actually do- give up every thing / change everything. If dying hurts? Die better. But if life hurts? Live better. And all the rest.) And once I had my suicide rules invoked? I could start doing a Reality Check. Okay. Is it rational to.... ?

II.

This is your first quarter back in school after a loooooong time away. Any time I've taken more than 3mo off of school? My first quarter back is 90% relearning how to be a student. Oh. Right. We do it like this. Oh! Right. We take notes like that. Oh >.< Right! We schedule our days like this. Oh. Right. We (don't throw chairs through the windows, have screaming matches with professors or hide out in the loo pretending to have dysentery) bleed stress like this. :bag: Oh riiiiiiight. We handle this like that! :facepalm: Yeesh, self! How many times have we done this??? Da fuq? Oh well. Worst case scenario? I retake this class in a few years. In the meantime, let's see if we can remember how to balance this shit, shall we? Race you to competent! Last one there has to handwrite the term paper! With their non dominant hand! In crayon! On. A. Bus.

I ALSO promise you I'm not the only person on the planet who struggles with returning to school after an absence. In fact, it's pretty much the norm. (Look! You're being all normal!... I keep telling people normal is overrated and nooooo one believes me :p)

Returning to school is a very big change. It's stress. It may durn well be a stressor. And sometimes just for fun, triggers, too.

You will make mistakes.

You will learn. (We hope! It's school, after all.)

You will be okay... Not okay right now? Is temporary. Not forever.

Im proud of ya, Stix. But no worries, just take that and stick it in your pocket for later, when you're proud of you, too... And it doesn't sting. And remember that people can be proud of you for trying, and can be proud of you even when you're angry at yourself & hurting, and can recognize hard work even before it gets the results you want. Beginnings are hard. Mistakes happen. And I'm damn proud of you.

 

[Stickler]

Thanks...:/

I haven't been able to afford any final-expenses insurance, unfortunately, so unless I went somewhere far away to die as a J Doe, mom would be on the hook for that, that's a good point.

 

[Ronin]

I REALLY WANT to die anyway, to stop costing my mother money and to...just go home. I want to go home.

Naw dear, death isn't home, death is this fugly place taking away everyone else's home.

She's your mom, if she's loving, she does support you as that's a Mommy Thing To Do. A good thing.
If she were not loving, she'd deserve to have everything ripped off her for that, in which case money would be the least thing she can provide to you by - and also not a reason to stop being & stop living & stop receiving that support.

School & its microcosm of demands makes everything look so skewed, doesn't it? *brings you cocoa* Don't deserve death for bullshit like homework. Your world ain't breaking. I promise.

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: Stick :hug:

In addition to the expenses of a funeral, you mom would likely have to pay for years of therapy to get through the grief of losing you too.

And you got mid 80s on an exam that was two days late while having a lost and broken phone and just getting over the side effects of risperdal? Way to go! No really, that's awesome!

Last week, I went to a class that I am taking, I got up in front of the whole room and talked like Telsa was person --- it's a brand of car. Ugh. Then I proceeded to mischarge somebody $249 for something that was supposed to be only $71. Then... well, it was pretty much one disaster after another. I wanted to give up on everything then too. For me, it was like see, this is proof I am the failure I know to be and how could I impact everyone negatively like this.

But I'm wrong and so are you. All that is true is that you and I are human and either we succeed or we learn.

You might be through the end of the side effects of risperdal, but you might not be through the withdrawal symptoms. Sometimes that can last for a while, even months, and make people really down and spacey and struggle to be on top of everything. Please let your doc or other treatment team member know that you're really struggling…

It might be worthwhile to ask your school for an ADA accommodation for the PTSD. Schools can provide people with PTSD different accommodations like getting an extended deadline for an exam. Accommodations are possible because the whole point is to do the work to earn a degree, and to not let the disability lead to quitting. What a friend with an eating disorder who had to do this for a period of time in school. That was a rough year no doubt, but she graduated with honors. She asked for the help that she needed to get through that short season so that way she can move on towards success.

Even without accommodations you did the work. That's the thing about school that very few people in school understand. It's not really about the grade, it never really was. Grades are just a way to get people to do the work. It's about learning. That's what's gonna carry you far. You did that. You succeeded.

Please stay. The world is a lot better with you in it.

 

[Kailani]

Hey Stickler,

Miss ya. Wish you were feeling better!! School can be overwhelming sometimes and a lot of pressure!!! The first semester back for me was all about the computer! Every day there was a computer problem that would need to be fixed. It drove me nuts!!!!! My grandpa helped me a ton and I began to bug the Computer department of my school for help. I just kept trying. I threw stuff and got mad but now I laugh at it. It really is about learning to learn again and organize and write assignments down and setting up your calendar and downloading apps... The school should be able to help you with that and have a success department and like all great comments above ; they can make accommodations for any disability. When I go to school it is like you have to prepare for a few things hitting the fan cuz they do. You are overcoming huge hurdles to be a success and you will do it! Just expect a little resistance because success does not come easy. In the end you will be able to pay your way.... Focus on your goals at the end. You can do it! Your pets and mom love you and support you and we do too!!! Just one little thing at a time; not the whole picture! The teachers will help you. They have had these problems before and worse and if they don't help, try another option like library staff... Hang in there!!!!!