Not Knowing Who Is Toxic And Who Is Not Problem Resulting From Ptsd?

[Abrasky]

Does anyone else have trouble telling who is toxic and not? I seem to have started having great trouble with telling toxic and non toxic people apart. For some people it may mean that they trust too many, but for me it means I hate everyone equally pretty much. I guess I don't discriminate. This started when I got PTSD.

Don't hate everyone at the moment. I think I am starting to realise that I don't have to trust toxic people completely or hate people equally. There is some middle ground. Is it possible to be in the middle on this?

 

[Meadowsweet]

I tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

If I'm hurting or getting scared, I figure its just me and that I should deal with it and not make others feel bad. And I think some of that is true due to PTSD. What might be perfectly acceptable in 'normal' society is toxic for me.

A friend I had on facebook became friends with my attacker. She used to be friends with him years ago, and I asked her not to mention me and why. I blocked him, but I don't think she can understand how badly that effects me.

In 'normal' society, having two friends on facebook who don't get on is acceptable. She's a nice person and probably thought me saying he tried to kill me was melodramatic. Or maybe she just doesn't understand how much it effects me.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Maze,

Being able to easily define a toxic relationship, or not, is something that appears to be a real struggle for a lot of people that are abused. We tend to not set firm boundaries and accept unacceptable behavior; and/or "read into" or personalize behaviors that we really shouldn't.

The simplest step I took was just to make a list of how I expected to be treated. I also had to set some realistic benchmarks that people can be cranky, sad, irritated, or just plain having a bad day and it had little or nothing to do with me. My boundaries are how I expect to be treated; as I treat others, But I am willing to check myself for distorted thinking patterns when feeling hurt by others.

Not the best system, but it does help sort things out better than it used to.

Deb

 

[EloiseLandau]

Kind of hard to do, myself, especially when I'm the one being told I'm inappropriate, or get blown off, for example:
Me: hey, when you grabbed that guy's butt, it bothered me
Girl: well I don't see what the problem is

So I struggle between "am I being reasonable" and "are they"?

I kinda used a lesser example on purpose. I don't think I really need to outline more serious stuff since we can all come up with more relevant examples

 

[Abrasky]

I have the same problem in that before I got PTSD, I would be a deer in headlights to innappropriate behavior sometimes or behavior that bothered me. My family has conditioned me to ignore abnormal behavior. I had to report a woman(my dad's new wife I suspect) harassing me to telstra once and it took me year. It something that changed when I got PTSD, I'd avoid everyone.

When you have been taught to do nothing for so long...

It's Something I have got to work on.

 

[freefloat]

Some toxic people are predatory. They are very good at finding someones needs and exploiting them. PTSD and other 'disorders' have a strong social deficit; they can play on that. My experience is that there are also just way more toxic people in this world than healthy.

Most people are a blend of the two depending on the nature of the interaction and what you are offering them. If you got PTSD at a young age this can be very hard to figure out as you have a point of reference derived from toxic people. Normal is subjective and relative to your experiences.

My experience is that no one is 100% trust worthy, no one is 100% non-toxic(maybe the Dali Lama but then again I think he'd disagree). It's where we place them on the continuum of trust and toxicity that should determine how much we expose ourselves to them and with what. I think everyone struggles with that we just respond differently.

 

[anthony]

Don't hate everyone at the moment. I think I am starting to realise that I don't have to trust toxic people completely or hate people equally. There is some middle ground. Is it possible to be in the middle on this?

Middle ground is a truly excellent place to be Maze... well done on acknowledging and putting yourself in the middle ground. It allows you to view both aspects with more equality, instead of one more than the other.

Trust has to be earnt, nothing wrong with that. You can give trust and a person equally progressively diminishing it through their actions... thus it is harder to rebuild it. Either way, middle ground is a logically sound place to be in your assessment of others.

 

[EloiseLandau]

A friend of mine who was a WWII soldier and then a police officer and later a detective said in his life, he observed that people were a whole variety of traits. Good people do bad things. Bad people do good things. You can never know, but you can be careful.

 

[anthony]

Yin and Yang. There is good in bad, there is bad in good.

 

[Abrasky]

Middle ground is a truly excellent place to be Maze... well done on acknowledging and putting yourself in the middle ground. It allows you to view both aspects with more equality, instead of one more than the other.

thanks Anthony:)

 

[Michelle1991]

Yes I sure do have that problem as well. It has lead me into four very toxic relationships, and counting... I am working hard to prevent it from happening again.

The last person I dated, for example, I saw several warning signs in his behaviour, but I though, oh I'm just being crazy. He has so many friends; he volunteers; he can't be bad. But he was. He put two hands around my neck and choked me after 2 months of dating.

You need to listen to your head. I want so badly to be loved and to receive affection, but at what cost?