Not Ready

[Justmehere]

3 days ago, I said yes to go on a date with a guy later on today (8 hours from now). He is a nice guy, we have mutual friends in common. I'm not super attracted to him or super repulsed, unlike most guys - so I said yes. We are meeting in the middle of the afternoon at a restaurant and then going for a walk on a popular street and then he knows I am headed to a movie with a friend, just her and I (so there is an automatic end to the date.)

I am sitting in the bathroom crying. I should not have said yes. I am so not ready. He texted me yesterday saying he was excited. I replied saying yeah, I'm looking forward to it too. I was. Now here I am in a pile of tears. I know I can say no, but how? How do I back out now? How do I say no and not be a jerk to him? My friends tell me I should stop saying no. They don't understand PTSD. I want to date and everything, but after the last assault, I freak out. I keep trying and this is the first time I have said yes, but oh my gosh I am in a panic. I looked at his photo on line and I had the thought, what if he tries to hold my hand and I started to panic and puke. This is totally surprising me. It didn't bother me yesterday.

What do I do? Why can't I think of what to do? I don't want to be a jerk and all my reaction is PTSD. I really hate PTSD. We are just going to go get tea and go for a walk before I meet up with a friend for a movie. No big deal. So why am I crying and in a panic? I feel so alone.

 

[Hashi]

Do you feel able to phone him to cancel? If it was me, I think I would call if off but I would phone him to tell him rather than just text - it would be considerate to him to do that if I was able to.

I wouldn't say anything about PTSD but would simply say I thought I was ready to start meeting new people and now I realise that I'm not. That I think he's a really nice person and that's why I said yes, but I misjudged it. That I feel it's unfair to him that I agreed and am now cancelling, but I think it would be more unfair to go ahead when I'm not ready. That kind of thing.

Of course, I'm not you so that might be the last thing you would want to do. I hope you can decide on whatever feels like the right thing.

 

[Justmehere]

I think you are right that it would be less unfair to cancel now. It would also be less likely for him to take it as being about him. I like your idea about calling too. Thank you

Maybe someday I will be ready again, just not today

 

[bell]

@Justmehere, I totally understand, I totally panic before dates, too! Also, if you're worried about him grabbing your hand, wear something with pockets! (That's what I always do!) :)

 

[Changing4Best]

Seeing as you're not that attracted to him, I'd call him and say I was not feeling well. Don't go into details, like that it is emotional, that you are not feeling well should be enough. If he pushes to set another date, just say you are not up to it at the moment. Do you have caller ID on your phone? Just don't answer when next he calls.

I hope you are in therapy, you need to be! This is to heavy burden to carry by yourself. If you cannot arrange therapy, try confiding in your closest girlfriend. If she cannot understand and be caring and loving about it, she is not a friend!

Feel better!

 

[Justmehere]

@bell pockets are a good idea!

@SheilaKathy - yeah, thankfully I am in therapy. I told my counselor two months ago that I am not saying right now so that I can focus in building solid friendships and learn to be close without shutting done or freaking out. We haven't talked about it since, but I certainly will be now! I think you are right about not saying this is PTSD. Saying I'm not feeling well would be truthful.

I really hate that PTSD has taken so much from me.

I have a habit of being really attracted to guys who are really unavailable or end up being dangerous - as an abandonment/trauma reenactment thing. I had hoped that if I wasn't super attracted, maybe this guy was safe and ok... It's an idea a counselor proposed.

Turns out, I'm just scared of humanity.

I miss having my hand held, but oh my gosh, just that is sending me into a panic. I don't want to live my life alone.

 

[Sandi79]

I agree with the previous posts, a simple phone call explaining that you are not ready just yet is completely fair and you don't have to feel bad.
Dating is hard anyway, its even harder when you are struggling with PTSD. When you are ready, you will know. If he is a good guy, he will understand. If he doesn't, then you know that is was right to cancel the date.

Hugs to you

 

[Changing4Best]

@SheilaKathy

I really hate that PTSD has taken so much from me.

I have been in therapy since 2001 or so, and it is still helping me. Stick with it, it takes time. And yes, discuss this long and hard with your therapist, especially the part about not wanting to be alone all your life. Maybe your therapist can give you an idea of how long it will be before you might be ready to date. These things take time to heal. If you try too early, the relationship is bound to fail.

My husband died in 2005, and a boyfriend I had a few years later died too. I'm 59, so I decided that another relationship, unless it is just friendship, is out of the question for me. I cannot take the chance of losing another one to death. But that is just my scene. Yours is different, I feel that you are young and that there is time for you to heal. GO for it!!!

 

[Echo]

@Justmehere - and you don't need to explain why you are not ready. Without any knowledge of your circumstances, he will just presume, I would think, that you are still in love with someone else or getting over a break-up. I do see that it is difficult for you, since you have mutual friends, so I agree with others that sticking to the truth is the best way to go.

If you do subsequently want a chance to get to know him more, you could always arrange, or ask a friend to arrange, a group event. Something casual that doesn't immediately put pressure on either of you, as a date does. I definitely need to know someone as a friend or acquaintance for some time before I get involved. I found this out the hard way, when I fell hook, line and sinker for someone, who was obviously equally attracted to me. I didn't know anyone who knew him personally; I knew nothing about his background, and I kept saying to myself, what if he is a murderer or a rapist, how would I know? It felt ridiculous, but it was really real for me as a fear. In the end, since he had his own issues and massive fears, we circled around one another for two and a half years before getting together, during which time, we saw one another professionally. I was based in a library that he would occasionally use, and we always ended up chatting together or having a coffee. And even when it became official, it was an intense struggle for us both to get past our fears, but we had something to go on then. And it was lovely until he got triggered and ran with no explanation, but that is another story...

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it is better to put the brakes on now, because it will be a lot harder if you go out with him and end up really liking him. I think you should do what's best for you, and if you're not ready, then you're not ready.

 

[Justmehere]

You all have such great input - thank you so much. I am beginning to feel less bad for being not ready.

@SheilaKathy - I'm so sorry for your loss. Thanks for your encouragement about healing! I don't know what my therapist thinks but she had been heavily emphasizing going slow and doing things that feel good, not pushing into what is scary so much, even if it is just scary because of the past.

@Echo - I like the idea of a group event! That feels like so much less pressure and I do well in groups. It helps so much to know I'm not the only one that needs time to get to know a guy before I jump into more than friends.

@Solara - it will be easier to stop now than later, thanks for the good reminder. It's hard to remember it in the moment and I'm do glad for your feedback!

I'm in tears but calming down and trying to let go of my inner critic. It helps so much to know I'm not alone in this and maybe someday it can be different.

Now to work up the courage to call him and say I need to cancel... It is best for both of us. I can't do it, not today....

 

[stuff]

This is a tough call, and I've been in similar situations, but I'm also starting to realize that that crying my eyes out in the bathroom doesn't necessarily indicate that I'm not ready. And in reality, I'll never be "ready". It indicates that I've been through some really crummy stuff and I have some seriously justified fears, and it indicates that my body is fearing what might happen if I go, but I see these freak outs as opportunity for change these days.

I let myself feel how I'm gonna feel, I acknowledge the fact that things might go completely sideways due to my symptoms and any other number of things. But embarking on these things even when I'm afraid has helped me prove to myself that not everyone is a murderer or a rapist. That's been a good thing to prove to myself. Each time gets a little bit easier and each time I still have a crying freak out beforehand.