Not Suicidal, But Want To Hurt

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

You are strong.

Thank you. Sometimes when I am in crisis or heading towards it, I can be just brave enough to do the hard thing. It feels pretty good to have my husband know that and not try to hide it.

 

[Chava]

SQUEEZE your arms...or wherever you cut. Hold on tight. This settles me down, not sure if it will work for you though. I've also shredded phone books with my pocket knife (though I feel like I mentioned this earlier, sorry if I forgot). Sorry it's been a rough day. I have a terrible time leaving appointments...when I'm most dissociative. Today my therapist offered me a couple stuffed animals to take home with me. Silly, but I took one, and it helped with leaving so much. What might help you in that tricky place when leaving an appointment? If you can think of something, let your therapist know. I personally need to find a way to make eye contact with her better at the end, but I can't yet. The teddy bear is very helpful for now. When I'm really spacey, she holds my feet and that helps. Or, towards the end, if I can cry a bit, that pulls me out of my 'freeze" and I feel okay when I leave. Hang in there. (((hugs)))

 

[KwanYingirl]

Sorry JEK, btx means between. Yes I am going to write a synopsis every day. So you made a huge leap forward revealing the true you to your husband. Kudos!

I am nervous to write and then have to share my discombubilated daily wanderings in my mind. One thing I need to gain mastery of is identifying triggers. I waste a lot of time being dissociated and not aware of what precipitated it.

Also, I will have to write the images that smack my brain against my skull. I'm going to start writing. It's time to make progress instead of spinning my wheels and wishing it all away.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Chava - sometimes my angry part rips apart phone books or magazines. I haven't done that in awhile though so perhaps it's time to start again. My therapist has mentioned getting stuffed animals to help the transition of leaving.

 

[KwanYingirl]

What does that mean @JEKBreatheandBelieve "help the transition of leaving"?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@KwanYingirl - I just meant leaving the session.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Oh, OK I thought maybe it was help for switching parts because I am trying to gain self awareness that I have parts and I am overwhelmed that I have this new challenge.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@KwanYingirl - The parts are definitely part of the problem with leaving therapy. Feel free to send me a message if you want to talk about parts. I still try to deny that I have them, but they're definitely in existence.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Ok thanks

 

[Chava]

I'm noticing that's really worth figuring out somehow (the transition stuff). I think I go backwards during transitions easily...like I get a kind warning that we have 10 minutes left, then 5, so I'm supposed to find a way to transition, and I'm honestly trying and I feel myself getting sucked away. Like "leaving" is somehow interpreted in my system as disappearing or dissociating. I "know" better but it doesn't matter. I know @KwanYingirl mentioned sessions being too short. Yes, that's the truth. But I think I would personally manage better with better transition because they will never be long enough...give me 2 hours and it would probably be the same...I will simply never solve my sh#t and feel transformed fast enough. Anyway, hugging a teddy bear and then carrying it with me to my car and leaving was helpful. I can't even explain it...but it caters to that part of me that starts disappearing into thin air and then just feeling lost afterwards.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Chava - I have sessions that go at least an hour and a half and sometimes longer...and the transition to leaving is still hard. So I totally agree that the leaving part is not due to just time.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I am struggling again tonight. We went out tonight and the drive scared me. I was scratching my skin so much my husband noticed while driving and reminded me to get a rock to hold. I did. I expected to feel better once we were home, but alas, I can still feel the inner turmoil and I feel very sick to my stomach.